I just discharged from yet another extensive hospitalization. I was at the same facility I was at last time, just a different program. My previous experience had been an overall positive one and had started to mend the distrust and fear I had from years of abuse and neglect by the system. This different program tore that all right back down. I was abused, neglected, belittled, gaslight, staff would even complain about me right in front of me. I have never felt like such a burden for just existing, god forbid existing while being sick. And I developed medical issues during this stay that were ignored and blown off as psychosomatic only to later find they are in fact not. These issues would often cause me excruciating pain and they would wait hours and hours to do even the bare minimum to help my pain. Physically and mentally I am worse off than when I got there.
I will never again go to an inpatient or residential facility in my life time. And I am only agreeable to outpatient care for the sake of keeping my family from getting concerned and trying to get me sectioned, because even though I don't even live in the same state as them anymore, they will find out if I stop going. But I will play my cards just right and bend my words so that I never risk getting sent back. I don't think I'll be alive this time next year, hell even 6 months from now. I want so badly to make it through the holidays for my family, but even that is a stretch. If that's all the time I have left on this earth, I will absolutely not be spending it being treated like less than a human. Being surrounded by people who laugh when you're struggling, see you on the floor having the lowest of lows and walk away, talk about how difficult it is to have you as a patient right in front of you. Being locked up with no way out because they believe they know better than you. I have no self respect, no self worth, and even I refuse to allow people to treat me that way. The system that claims to be there to save peoples lives is the one that is going to be the cause of my death, because I will never again get close enough to let them touch me. They cannot stop my suicide by locking me away because I will never let anyone in enough for them to put me behind those doors again. Fuck the system built on stripping people of all dignity, autonomy, and human decency in the name of "helping" them.
I have been hurt too many times to count in my life by the fucked up world of mental healthcare. I thought this time would be different. Boy was I wrong.
I will never again go to an inpatient or residential facility in my life time. And I am only agreeable to outpatient care for the sake of keeping my family from getting concerned and trying to get me sectioned, because even though I don't even live in the same state as them anymore, they will find out if I stop going. But I will play my cards just right and bend my words so that I never risk getting sent back. I don't think I'll be alive this time next year, hell even 6 months from now. I want so badly to make it through the holidays for my family, but even that is a stretch. If that's all the time I have left on this earth, I will absolutely not be spending it being treated like less than a human. Being surrounded by people who laugh when you're struggling, see you on the floor having the lowest of lows and walk away, talk about how difficult it is to have you as a patient right in front of you. Being locked up with no way out because they believe they know better than you. I have no self respect, no self worth, and even I refuse to allow people to treat me that way. The system that claims to be there to save peoples lives is the one that is going to be the cause of my death, because I will never again get close enough to let them touch me. They cannot stop my suicide by locking me away because I will never let anyone in enough for them to put me behind those doors again. Fuck the system built on stripping people of all dignity, autonomy, and human decency in the name of "helping" them.
I have been hurt too many times to count in my life by the fucked up world of mental healthcare. I thought this time would be different. Boy was I wrong.
