Venting [NSFW] I fucking hate my mom

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

Perfectly good day, little rainy but ok. Mom wakes up, we need to do her taxes. While I'm trying to get the convoluted process, both my ma and my uncle fight over petty shit. I just hate this hate this HATE HATE HATE!

I wanna kill her, gouge her eyes out, punch her head until I crack her skull, claw out her fucking intestines. I hate her, I just want to kill and murder because I hate everything and I want to die because I don't want to be like that.

I just wanted to live peacefully. Why did she do that to me. Why am I stuck with a fucking whore fat piece of shit? Life is hard enough, why I need a bitch to make it worse?

I wish I had a real mother. One that cared about me. One that cared about anything but herself. I am now in a fight or flight mode and I want to kill. I want to maim, murder, end the life of anything in front of me. So much violence, so much hatred I vessel inside of me. Why does it have to exist? I want to kill. I WANT TO KILL. rend someone with my teeth until I too bleed.

Please make it stop. Please, please, I can't take this anymore, I just want to be a good person. I don't want to be this. It's telling me I should fucking murder everything, like an endless hatred inside my skin, begging to lash out, like a cornered animal. A beast made of anger and filth. I miss things I don't even remember anymore, the cradling of a real mother that cares, the love, what is love? Why everything SUCKS? why can't I have my love? What did I do wrong? I'm sorry. I'm sorry...sorry...but please make it stop.

15 minutes later, she's over it. SHE'S FUCKING OVER IT. Am I wrong for feeling pressured over something actually important. SHE DOESN'T CARE. nobody cares...nobody fucking cares...makes me feel so alone...now I remember why I registered here, at SaSu. I knew it would happen again. I just wanted to feel love, and all I feel is hatred. Where is my love? I want it, please, I'm sorry but I want it.

It's all a joke for them. They think it's a fucking joke. I can't not care. I must care, I should care, because NOBODY CARES!

15 minutes later, she's over it. SHE'S FUCKING OVER IT. Am I wrong for feeling pressured over something actually important. SHE DOESN'T CARE. nobody cares...nobody fucking cares...makes me feel so alone...now I remember why I registered here, at SaSu. I knew it would happen again. I just wanted to feel love, and all I feel is hatred. Where is my love? I want it, please, I'm sorry but I want it.

It's all a joke for them. They think it's a fucking joke. I can't not care. I must care, I should care, because NOBODY ELSE CARES!

 

[raindrops]

I just wanted to live peacefully. Why did she do that to me?

why can't I have my love? What did I do wrong?

I'm concerned. Do what to you? I wish I could make it better for you. Wish I had a magic wand.

I just wanted to feel love, and all I feel is hatred. Where is my love? I want it, please, I'm sorry but I want it.

It's all a joke for them. They think it's a fucking joke. I can't not care. I must care, I should care, because NOBODY CARES!


It's all a joke for them. They think it's a fucking joke. I can't not care. I must care, I should care, because NOBODY ELSE CARES!

I care. I care. I care. I care so much I need to die! I can't keep caring for people and not helping. I wish I could help. This sounds heartbreaking. I cry because of people like you suffering because of people like them. Who pushed their fucking way onto you. You're not like them, remember that ok. You have a heart. Sending you the love that you deserve

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

I'm concerned. Do what to you? I wish I could make it better for you. Wish I had a magic wand.

I care. I care. I care. I care so much I need to die! I can't keep caring for people and not helping. I wish I could help. This sounds heartbreaking. I cry because of people like you suffering because of people like them. Who pushed their fucking way onto you. You're not like them, remember that ok. You have a heart. Sending you the love that you deserve

She's just cold and doesn't know how to feel affection for me. That's why I'm so fucked up when affection is concerned. Thanks for caring. I care about others caring, you deserve as much love and care you send. I wish I was more powerful to make more people feel cared about. I've always had that motherly stuff on me because I basically had to be my own mother. Sometimes I think if I would be happier if I had someone to truly care about...*sigh*

 

[mrselfdestruct]

I understand. If you need any support my arms are always open.

 

[raindrops]

I won't derail your thread but can I tell you that I figured I live amongst fucking Satanists and it's fucking madness. I'm fucking sure of it. Or it's a joke. Kinda hope they are Satanists that be pretty cool. Ok you won't believe me. That's why I haven't told anyone. It makes me laugh because why don't they (my community) love me?! I'm more eviler than skeletor. I know this will sound insane.
I can't really explain it. They don't fucking scare me though. I feel like you! Contemplation is a brilliant thing.

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

Thanks. I usually don't reach out. Just have problems with trusting other people to help me. Long story. But I am thankful of anyone who wants to help and cares enough

I don't think mine are satanists. To be fair I've met satanists who are nice people, nicer than most religious people too.

It's just...well I feel wrong saying this but what I feel is "I want mommy", basically over and over. Fuck, dinner's ready. Not hungry, need to sleep, need to stop...

 

[raindrops]

I wanna kill her, gouge her eyes out, punch her head until I crack her skull, claw out her fucking intestines. I hate her, I just want to kill and murder because I hate everything and I want to die because I don't want to be like that.

This all of this they're so fucking lucky.

On a serious note I'm a willing subject, pick me, pick me

 

[alwaysalone]

Thanks. I usually don't reach out. Just have problems with trusting other people to help me. Long story. But I am thankful of anyone who wants to help and cares enough

I don't think mine are satanists. To be fair I've met satanists who are nice people, nicer than most religious people too.

It's just...well I feel wrong saying this but what I feel is "I want mommy", basically over and over. Fuck, dinner's ready. Not hungry, need to sleep, need to stop...

I am so sorry you're mother doesn't show you affection. I don't know your story but if you don't want to feel angry, it can sometimes help to understand why a person is they way they are. NOT to ever excuse poor or abusive behavior but it can sometimes help to understand the why. I.e. was she shown love by her parents? Was she abused? I want to express again this is NEVER an excuse to pass on abuse or be an abuser but it can help the abused sometimes to mitigate their own anger and resentment.

 

[raindrops]

Thanks. I usually don't reach out. Just have problems with trusting other people to help me. Long story. But I am thankful of anyone who wants to help and cares enough

I don't think mine are satanists. To be fair I've met satanists who are nice people, nicer than most religious people too.

It's just...well I feel wrong saying this but what I feel is "I want mommy", basically over and over. Fuck, dinner's ready. Not hungry, need to sleep, need to stop...

Everyone is a cunt. Satanists are from my experience narcissistic, sly, snakey cunts... I enjoy witnessing the audacity.
It has been beautiful actually. If I wasn't already somewhat insane & wanting death I could see how fearful someone might be from what I have encountered.
What a party it has been.

So I can see how you want your mother, I get that, she's probably narcissistic too. Have patience with people and yourself.
Try start a life away from them. You need courage, confidence to walk away from people. I would suggest you live for yourself and walk a path of loneliness. Fuck your mum and anyone who makes you feel shit.

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

I am so sorry you're mother doesn't show you affection. I don't know your story but if you don't want to feel angry, it can sometimes help to understand why a person is they way they are. NOT to ever excuse poor or abusive behavior but it can sometimes help to understand the why. I.e. was she shown love by her parents? Was she abused? I want to express again this is NEVER an excuse to pass on abuse or be an abuser but it can help the abused sometimes to mitigate their own anger and resentment.

Yeah, my mother's mother was also super cold to her which explains a lot. My mom speaks of her mom like she was a paragon of everything. I guess she is in denial.

Everyone is a cunt. Satanists are from my experience narcissistic, sly, snakey cunts... I enjoy witnessing the audacity.
It has been beautiful actually. If I wasn't already somewhat insane & wanting death I could see how fearful someone might be from what I have encountered.
What a party it has been.

So I can see how you want your mother, I get that, she's probably narcissistic too. Have patience with people and yourself.
Try start a life away from them. You need courage, confidence to walk away from people. I would suggest you live for yourself and walk a path of loneliness. Fuck your mum and anyone who makes you feel shit.

I don't want to start life, I want to stop it! I'm tired of trying things to get better and nothing works. I'm tired, tired, TIRED. I want to sleep and nothing more. Games aren't fun, porn isn't fulfilling, people feel like meat sacks bumbling into their existences, food is not tasty, I just...I just want to stop trying and someone else start trying for me cause I fucking give up. I hate everything.

The worst part of all this is I realize I'm wrong too in so many ways, so fucked in the head, no more human than a beast forced to act for an audience. That's what I am, a beast chained by others to act like they want, because otherwise I would be just a beast, willing to kill and maim. And I guess I would be happier if I could be that...or not...idk idc i want mommy

No scrub that. The worst part is even if someone is willing and can give me all the love and attention and care in the world, it wouldn't be enough. I'll always want more and more AND MORE AND MORE because I am a void, never satisfied, always wanting to peak higher because I wouldn't know the next time I would be able to be this happy again...and then I would want more, and you would give me, you heart, your brain, your hands and feet, your guts and blood, and like a starved animal I would take it all...and still want more.

more more more more MORE MORE MORE MOTHER I CRAVE AFFECTION MOTHER GIVE ME ATTENTION MORE MOREMOREMOREMORE

 

[raindrops]

Yeah, my mother's mother was also super cold to her which explains a lot. My mom speaks of her mom like she was a paragon of everything. I guess she is in denial.


I don't want to start life, I want to stop it! I'm tired of trying things to get better and nothing works. I'm tired, tired, TIRED. I want to sleep and nothing more. Games aren't fun, porn isn't fulfilling, people feel like meat sacks bumbling into their existences, food is not tasty, I just...I just want to stop trying and someone else start trying for me cause I fucking give up. I hate everything.

The worst part of all this is I realize I'm wrong too in so many ways, so fucked in the head, no more human than a beast forced to act for an audience. That's what I am, a beast chained by others to act like they want, because otherwise I would be just a beast, willing to kill and maim. And I guess I would be happier if I could be that...or not...idk idc i want mommy

Wow...your words I agree, I feel your pain especially when you mentioned food, games and even porn! Nothing suffices. Words also seem empty, pointless, meaningless. I am dead inside and have been for so long. There's one person who gave me that enjoyment though. I discovered his truth and only then realised he's real, that he wasn't a larp or a joke. He's fucked in the head too, so cold I wish I could warm him up.


Your mother is right to put her mother on a pedestal though, shouldn't family work like that? Unfair if they're narcissistic and you learn to be like them. You seem to have a heart & soul deep down, that's why I said you should walk alone...well... you're never truly alone. People impact you, they change you, family does this the most. Gladly most of mine are dead so I was able to walk a lonely path easier than most with no expectations. I'm sorry they're cold. Everyone deserves their mother. Fuck friends, fuck family, to hell with fucking pets too, fuck it, fuck it all to fucking hell and back again.

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

Wow...your words I agree, I feel your pain especially when you mentioned food, games and even porn! Nothing suffices. Words also seem empty, pointless, meaningless. I am dead inside and have been for so long. There's one person who gave me that enjoyment though. I discovered his truth and only then realised he's real, that he wasn't a larp or a joke. He's fucked in the head too, so cold I wish I could warm him up.

Words sometimes warm me. It's like they are feeding into my fantasies of love and care. Like they are not real, but as a good thing. Like they are sweet little lies meant to make me feel happy, and the lies eventually turn into my own reality. As if the lies are what I want, and I want it so desperately they become the truth. A denial so sweet that nothing outside of it matters. Not moved by politics, ideology or religion, but rather the insatiable hunger, the never ending craving for love. Like water to someone in the desert, you can't have enough...never enough...only enough until you want it again, like a drug made of sweet comfort.

 

[raindrops]

I say we build a raft and sail away, let's run away. Fuck em all. Hate them all. Soon I'm fucking off regardless. This shit is wack. Though we might hate the people around us I love him. I love him. I love him! You too deserve all the love, love yourself first though. *Edit because I got too personal. Cringe.

Words sometimes warm me. It's like they are feeding into my fantasies of love and care. Like they are not real, but as a good thing. Like they are sweet little lies meant to make me feel happy, and the lies eventually turn into my own reality. As if the lies are what I want, and I want it so desperately they become the truth. A denial so sweet that nothing outside of it matters. Not moved by politics, ideology or religion, but rather the insatiable hunger, the never ending craving for love. Like water to someone in the desert, you can't have enough...never enough...only enough until you want it again, like a drug made of sweet comfort.

Why can't it be real? Who holds you back?
Do they hold you back? Your words mean something now I can feel it, you're telling the truth. Why can't you let one person be true to you? Whoever made you believe it's not possible? What happened?! Is it based on status that you cannot just accept anyone romantically? You carry scars with you...and I assure you someone would love and cherish every part of you. Someone other than your mother would protect you, I assure it. That's how family carries on. People are allowed to be misguided you know, they can make mistakes it will never truly define them. I can't even think "once a murderer, always a murderer" some will disagree (let's not argue) I see beyond people's actions especially when it comes to the influences around them. This is why I want to die I can't keep caring, because they don't and that's fine.
You just need a better life than this one. I'm so sorry

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

Thank you. I will try to love myself. I cannot run anymore, so you'll have to drag me, although I'll always have the little alcove in my mind for me and my creations. My sweet puppets. They will never leave me.

 

[raindrops]

Thank you. I will try to love myself. I cannot run anymore, so you'll have to drag me, although I'll always have the little alcove in my mind for me and my creations. My sweet puppets. They will never leave me.

Then I shall drag you. Let me! You're smart you know. Free yourself. You don't have to have puppets, they'll only keep taking up too much valuable time.They surely drain you? You're sidetracked by it all. You could spend time with something true. You deserve to have a break from it all, surely. Something mentally or someone like family holds you back. I'm sorry to assume things. You seem interesting

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

Heh. You seem interested after all? Even with all the pain you feel, you want to help? I wonder if I won't be a weight. You assumptions are mostly true. To hear I'm interesting is...well, interesting. Usually it's "Funny", or "Intelligent", but interesting...it carries a meaning. Interest, to be interested in someone. I don't think I've ever had someone interested in me...

I've got nothing to lose but my shackles. I accept, whatever it is you're offering. I could say I'm dealing with the devil, but that's another user, hahahaha.

 

[raindrops]

Heh. You seem interested after all? Even with all the pain you feel, you want to help? I wonder if I won't be a weight. You assumptions are mostly true. To hear I'm interesting is...well, interesting. Usually it's "Funny", or "Intelligent", but interesting...it carries a meaning. Interest, to be interested in someone. I don't think I've ever had someone interested in me...

I've got nothing to lose but my shackles. I accept, whatever it is you're offering. I could say I'm dealing with the devil, but that's another user, hahahaha.

Extremely. I like how your mind thinks even in the midst of your anger and yes, even with all the pain I want to see you be happy (that sounds so mundane) You might be a weight, so be it. So what. I think I have good intuition. Death is too easy though. It would be better to keep calm and carry on. Ah fuck still death = peace.

That might be me dealing with the devil. Shame really I could have worked for him rather well, dying suits me just fine, no more worries then! It would be worse to let myself live. I have no plans. Could always stick around though, see where it takes me that would be more fun I suppose...adventure calls and all that jazz. Sweet you accept me dragging you to hell, nice! Let's go. You're interesting, very interesting. You seem intelligent. So you have a good sense of humour?
Helps to have one.

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

Extremely. I like how your mind thinks even in the midst of your anger and yes, even with all the pain I want to see you be happy (that sounds so mundane) You might be a weight, so be it. So what. I think I have good intuition. Death is too easy though. It would be better to keep calm and carry on. Ah fuck still death = peace.

That might be me dealing with the devil. Shame really I could have worked for him rather well, dying suits me just fine, no more worries then! It would be worse to let myself live. I have no plans. Could always stick around though, see where it takes me that would be more fun I suppose...adventure calls and all that jazz. Sweet you accept me dragging you to hell, nice! Let's go. You're interesting, very interesting. You seem intelligent. So you have a good sense of humour?
Helps to have one.

Unless I'm in deep pain, I do have a sense of humor. My autism may hinder my ability to detect sarcasm, but I do know how to joke. To want someone happy may be mundane, but by no means shallow. It is a feeling that may make you get lost into someone else's spell, and it may or may not be good for you. For me...call me crazy, but I do envy those who can become so entranced in another that the world feels less painful in result.

Between my current hell and your hell, yours seem to be more comfortable. Ah, this feeling, how I missed, the feeling of calmness in letting someone else take charge, hahahah...I do retain my independence, but I would choose to abdicate that for a period of time, to let myself go into a ride that I know not how will end. Exciting, dangerous, such a change of pace of my morose and decrepit existence.

Nevertheless, this feels good. I do also want you to be happy, even if you think that is not possible. This may yet fulfill itself, when you least expect it.

 

[The Actual Devil]

I wish I had a real mother. One that cared about me. One that cared about anything but herself.

I wished that for a while myself. For a while. That makes us brothers, having the same non-existent mother.

I won't derail your thread but can I tell you that I figured I live amongst fucking Satanists and it's fucking madness.

Whaaaa.??

Satanists are from my experience narcissistic, sly, snakey cunts

TBF, Devil-worshipers can be pieces of shit. Members of The Church of Satan, on the other hand, worship nothing. It's about self-respect, self-empowerment in a world that seeks to strip you of it, and respecting others' autonomy, especially that of children. Sociopaths, though, are responsible for most of the world's suffering.

Your mother is right to put her mother on a pedestal though, shouldn't family work like that?

Blood is thicker than water?
The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.

I could say I'm dealing with the devil, but that's another user, hahahaha.

That might be me dealing with the devil. Shame really I could have worked for him rather well

My ears are BURNING

Sweet you accept me dragging you to hell, nice! Let's go

Hey, now, I didn't send out any invites!

In all seriousness, your mother sounds like a narcissist. Not the "in love with themselves kind," the-incapable of-empathy-kind. If she is, she's a lost cause. They take and take and take, and on the rare occasions that they give, it's with strings attached. I can give you more resources on them if you'd like. I think everyone stands to benefit from learning how to protect themselves from narcs.

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

Thanks. Honestly I kind of know how to deal already. It's only that today there was an unavoidable thing and it spiraled out of control. I already make sure to not let her thoughts and action affect me. Today was a bad day, and I'm glad people helped me here.

 

[GhostInTheMachine]

You might benefit from communities centered around children of narcissistic parents. You story sounds very inline with what a lot of them have to deal with, and the anger you have is very similar to what my BF vents to me about regarding his narc of a mom. Such communities may be able to give you more specialized coping mechanisms that can hold you over until you escape from under her thumb.

 

[raindrops]

@

Unless I'm in deep pain, I do have a sense of humor. My autism may hinder my ability to detect sarcasm, but I do know how to joke. To want someone happy may be mundane, but by no means shallow. It is a feeling that may make you get lost into someone else's spell, and it may or may not be good for you. For me...call me crazy, but I do envy those who can become so entranced in another that the world feels less painful in result.

Between my current hell and your hell, yours seem to be more comfortable. Ah, this feeling, how I missed, the feeling of calmness in letting someone else take charge, hahahah...I do retain my independence, but I would choose to abdicate that for a period of time, to let myself go into a ride that I know not how will end. Exciting, dangerous, such a change of pace of my morose and decrepit existence.

Nevertheless, this feels good. I do also want you to be happy, even if you think that is not possible. This may yet fulfill itself, when you least expect it.

By no means would I suggest my hell is more comfortable. I don't know your story at all though. I have been living in fear. Have been? I mean I live in fear. Every second is fear. Struggling with the now. Struggle with my attitude. Struggle with kindness & respect. I've tried everything at this point. I've tried to be a hero, a villain, spiteful, cruel, vindictive, kind, calm, happy, sad. I wouldn't say I've tried manipulative because I don't know how.

I become entranced by others out of curiosity. I told you I feel as though I do have a good intuition. Trying to be a hero has caused me to look like a villain. It's made me look in the mirror and I don't like what I see because I am a villain! Or have been. I usually keep my mouth shut about others and you see, that's what attracted me to your post here, your anger resembles my anger. Perhaps I have autism (respectfully) and perhaps that's why I suggested "pick me, pick me!" if someone else takes control life and death is made easier but at what cost.

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

You might benefit from communities centered around children of narcissistic parents. You story sounds very inline with what a lot of them have to deal with, and the anger you have is very similar to what my BF vents to me about regarding his narc of a mom. Such communities may be able to give you more specialized coping mechanisms that can hold you over until you escape from under her thumb.

I don't really expect to escape from her. I barely have energy to come here and seek support. I just...wanted things to end...I'm so tired

@

By no means would I suggest my hell is more comfortable. I don't know your story at all though. I have been living in fear. Have been? I mean I live in fear. Every second is fear. Struggling with the now. Struggle with my attitude. Struggle with kindness & respect. I've tried everything at this point. I've tried to be a hero, a villain, spiteful, cruel, vindictive, kind, calm, happy, sad. I wouldn't say I've tried manipulative because I don't know how.

I become entranced by others out of curiosity. I told you I feel as though I do have a good intuition. Trying to be a hero has caused me to look like a villain. It's made me look in the mirror and I don't like what I see because I am a villain! Or have been. I usually keep my mouth shut about others and you see, that's what attracted me to your post here, your anger resembles my anger. Perhaps I have autism (respectfully) and perhaps that's why I suggested "pick me, pick me!" if someone else takes control life and death is made easier but at what cost.

We are all something in between. Heros and villains are characters, idealizations. We are but people struggling to make a difference. I'm happy to have had you feel a bit of connection. In the end, there's always something you have to do yourself. Even with family, friends and lovers, we are ourselves and we must do out part. When someone doesn't, imbalances appear, and at the worst of cases, we become misanthropic with the failing of fellow humans.

So, I don't expect you to be a hero or a villain, good or bad. I expect you to be yourself. That is the only way things work. And I want to know people for what they are, truly, and no matter how insane they feel, I'll always try and understand, and love, because that's who I am, a hopeless romantic who struggles to see beauty even on the most hideous.

 

[raindrops]

Whaaaa.??

Yes exactly whaaaa indeed! It's been a terrible ordeal that I have found beautiful actually. So much attention on me. It's baffling. A lot of effort put into me. It's confusing. Make it make sense.

TBF, Devil-worshipers can be pieces of shit. Members of The Church of Satan, on the other hand, worship nothing. It's about self-respect, self-empowerment in a world that seeks to strip you of it, and respecting others' autonomy, especially that of children. Sociopaths, though, are responsible for most of the world's suffering.

Understandably, I get that completely.
That surely goes only for people who have sought harm against a child. Who have actually ripped away at their autonomy. Now if I had no self respect or sought harm of any kind I would be in a different case scenario. I have good intuition considering what is real and what is not. I know a fool when I speak with one. I have been one many times. My curiosity and my ability to be what others want is scary. I thought the devil deals with those kinds. I also thought they sacrificed animals and children to you, no?

Blood is thicker than water?
The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.

How do you apply that, is everyone vetted? Their thoughts too? How do you describe satanic abuse? Does that strip autonomy? Does that strip self respect?

My ears are BURNING

Hey, now, I didn't send out any invites!

Well I'd assume that's where I am going. You deal with sinners, correct?

 

[The Actual Devil]

Yes exactly whaaaa indeed! It's been a terrible ordeal that I have found beautiful actually. So much attention on me. It's baffling. A lot of effort put into me. It's confusing. Make it make sense.

Understandably, I get that completely.
That surely goes only for people who have sought harm against a child. Who have actually ripped away at their autonomy. Now if I had no self respect or sought harm of any kind I would be in a different case scenario. I have good intuition considering what is real and what is not. I know a fool when I speak with one. I have been one many times. My curiosity and my ability to be what others want is scary. I thought the devil deals with those kinds. I also thought they sacrificed animals and children to you, no?

How do you apply that, is everyone vetted? Their thoughts too? How do you describe satanic abuse? Does that strip autonomy? Does that strip self respect?

Well I'd assume that's where I am going. You deal with sinners, correct?

I accept no sacrifices. I also sympathize with those who've suffered from Satanic abuse, just as I do with those who've suffered from christian abuse, islamic abuse, abuse in a cult, etc.
The sociopaths of this world love to blame their behavior on an idol, don't they?
The phrase I said about blood and water is just to point out that we get to choose who we consider our family in this life. At least, once we are able to escape the one(s) we grew up in.
If people harmed you while adorned with Satanic iconography, you can tell me more about it in the private conversation we started, a new thread, or on one of our profile pages.
I don't want to derail Mr. Bear's thread. He came here to vent, and he sincerely deserves to be heard.

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

It's okay. I'm used to being ignored. I'm sorry, I'm just so love hungry...

 

[raindrops]

We are all something in between. Heros and villains are characters, idealizations. We are but people struggling to make a difference. I'm happy to have had you feel a bit of connection. In the end, there's always something you have to do yourself. Even with family, friends and lovers, we are ourselves and we must do out part. When someone doesn't, imbalances appear, and at the worst of cases, we become misanthropic with the failing of fellow humans.

So, I don't expect you to be a hero or a villain, good or bad. I expect you to be yourself. That is the only way things work. And I want to know people for what they are, truly, and no matter how insane they feel, I'll always try and understand, and love, because that's who I am, a hopeless romantic who struggles to see beauty even on the most hideous.

Surely misanthropy stands true, surely you could agree that humans are the cause of all chaos. Isn't that misanthropy? And that's just it...all that selfishness, denial, hubris man carries, so he/she has the ability to pick and choose who is bad all the while they do the same on a worser, broader scale. It makes no sense at all that one man can hide in plain sight yet judge another. That doesn't make them better, it makes them sly and deceitful. Not a part of some covenant that covers Satanism but more like a part of some self gain (usually monetary or manipulative) to feel better about their own thoughts and actions. What does it mean to be fake then.

(I say this inquisitively not argumentive)

 

[The Actual Devil]

It's okay. I'm used to being ignored. I'm sorry, I'm just so love hungry...

No, it's not ok. Everyone deserves love, and while many try to bastardize that saying by using it to express entitlement to sex, it means something else.
I'm sure you know there are many different types of love: self-love, familial, fraternal, platonic, manic, and altruistic, just to name some.
I hope you can get away from your mother and experience genuine, in-person love soon, Mr. Bear. A good friend, an estranged family member who won't go near your mother but wants to reconnect with you, who knows. It just has to be so difficult bringing people around your mom. I hope you won't have to worry about that for long.

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

No, it's not ok. Everyone deserves love, and while many try to bastardize that saying by using it to express entitlement to sex, it means something else.
I'm sure you know there are many different types of love: self-love, familial, fraternal, platonic, manic, and altruistic, just to name some.
I hope you can get away from your mother and experience genuine, in-person love soon, Mr. Bear. A good friend, an estranged family member who won't go near your mother but wants to reconnect with you, who knows. It just has to be so difficult bringing people around your mom. I hope you won't have to worry about that for long.

Heh...that implies connections. Honestly, the only genuine connections I have is here with you people. Like a misfit ghetto that somehow is still better than the real world. I'll just go back to my little mind palace and keep playing with my puppets, pretending to have friends, lovers, family...pretending to have a life worth living.

And yet it won't be enough. It never is. I don't mean to diminish your efforts. It's just that I'm the void that consumes all love, yet still feels empty.

Surely misanthropy stands true, surely you could agree that humans are the cause of all chaos. Isn't that misanthropy? And that's just it...all that selfishness, denial, hubris man carries, so he/she has the ability to pick and choose who is bad all the while they do the same on a worser, broader scale. It makes no sense at all that one man can hide in plain sight yet judge another. That doesn't make them better, it makes them sly and deceitful. Not a part of some covenant that covers Satanism but more like a part of some self gain (usually monetary or manipulative) to feel better about their own thoughts and actions. What does it mean to be fake then.

(I say this inquisitively not argumentive)

Well, we are human, are we not? There are very specific humans that are the root of the problem. I am a misanthrope because I am hurt and bleeding and needing something that is unreal, and yet my mind makes it real... I want to believe good humans exist. I want to believe they will come for me. Help me.

But all I can do is believe.

 

[raindrops]

Well, we are human, are we not? There are very specific humans that are the root of the problem. I am a misanthrope because I am hurt and bleeding and needing something that is unreal, and yet my mind makes it real... I want to believe good humans exist. I want to believe they will come for me. Help me.

But all I can do is believe.

You will get love if you allow it. I have platonic love for you SaSu friend. I wish you well in life. I think your mother clouds your judgement. You need purpose. Good humans? They do exist. You're good, right? We cannot pry into every fault a person has done. We have to consider so much more like their past, their true intentions and even trauma they've experienced.

Also Thelema is hard for me to grasp. I always enjoyed aspects of it...

"live by one's own law"; "live in the way that one wills to do"; "work, play, and rest as one will"; "die when and how one will"; "eat and drink what one will"; "live where one will"; "move about the earth as one will"; "think, speak, write, draw, paint, carve, etch, mould, build, and dress as one will"; "love when, where and with whom one will"; and "kill those who would thwart these rights"