Venting Nothing works anymore

[logar]

Nothing keeps my suicidal thoughts away anymore. It used to be so easy but now it's completely enveloped my mind and it's all I'm able to think about now. Either I would just be distracting myself on my phone or completely shutting my brain off and thinking about nothing. Even though at the end of the day I still had thoughts, at least I was able to filter them out for a while.

But now no matter what I do, it's all I'm able to think about. I want to go through with it but at the same time it's also a horrible feeling that makes me just want to rip my own brain out so I don't have to feel this way anymore. I don't know why it's such a painful feeling honestly, I should just be accepting it at this point, but I'm not for some reason.

And now that it's literally all I'm able to think about I feel like I'm just trapped in my own damn head and I can't see myself getting out any time soon. I'll just be stuck in this endless loop of pain until I finally cave into the thoughts and kill myself. Maybe I should listen to the thoughts, it would be better for everyone else and myself

 

[never mind me]

I can feel you. It's very much the same for me. I constantly ruminate about my bad situation and how it would probably save me from suffering more, if I commited suicide. At the same time I have too many doubts to be able to go through with it, despite having my method and location at the ready. All I can hope for is that time will eventually solve my situation in the way that I can feel this inner resistance to commiting getting less over time, so hopefully I will eventually have less doubts and be able to commit, if this situation stays like it is for much longer.