collidedsigns
Scholar of despair and anguish
- Nov 22, 2025
- 44
Hey all,
I'm still in the psych ward currently they have increased my medication but honestly I don't care for them anymore.
Everyone around me patients, nurses keep telling me to get better, but I don't think anything will make me better. This is my fourth admission in 2 years and I'm so sick of this cycle of trying really hard to get well and then my depression completely taking over again. Every good day is still overshadowed by my crippling need to die. Everyone keeps telling me I just want everything to stop but I know I want to die
I don't care what comes after this, I don't care how much it hurts. I just want to go. I need to find an SN source in the uk. I'm hoping I can smuggle it into the ward if not at least I can have it when I get home. I'm so drained, mentally, physically and emotionally. Nothing I do takes away the older versions of myself that haunt me. The person I am today will just become another ghost that follows me around until I'm dead. Dying means I take them ghosts with me.
Another thing is being in here means I can't access this forum easily. I'm learning how to get my VPN to work in here but it's still dodgy and partially luck. I'm in the UK and NHS wifi blocks a lot of stuff. Not being able to talk to people who truly understand is so draining. I truly don't think anyone around me will ever be able to understand this numbing, draining pain. I have no outlet right now. Everything I'd do at home isn't here and I'm so fed up.
I beg I don't wake up tomorrow. But I know I will, and I can't think of anything worse. I need to get my hands on something that will definitely do the job. I can't keep doing this
Thank you for the kind messages on my last thread. I hope your all doing as best as you can I know this time of year is hard.
I'm still in the psych ward currently they have increased my medication but honestly I don't care for them anymore.
Everyone around me patients, nurses keep telling me to get better, but I don't think anything will make me better. This is my fourth admission in 2 years and I'm so sick of this cycle of trying really hard to get well and then my depression completely taking over again. Every good day is still overshadowed by my crippling need to die. Everyone keeps telling me I just want everything to stop but I know I want to die
I don't care what comes after this, I don't care how much it hurts. I just want to go. I need to find an SN source in the uk. I'm hoping I can smuggle it into the ward if not at least I can have it when I get home. I'm so drained, mentally, physically and emotionally. Nothing I do takes away the older versions of myself that haunt me. The person I am today will just become another ghost that follows me around until I'm dead. Dying means I take them ghosts with me.
Another thing is being in here means I can't access this forum easily. I'm learning how to get my VPN to work in here but it's still dodgy and partially luck. I'm in the UK and NHS wifi blocks a lot of stuff. Not being able to talk to people who truly understand is so draining. I truly don't think anyone around me will ever be able to understand this numbing, draining pain. I have no outlet right now. Everything I'd do at home isn't here and I'm so fed up.
I beg I don't wake up tomorrow. But I know I will, and I can't think of anything worse. I need to get my hands on something that will definitely do the job. I can't keep doing this
Thank you for the kind messages on my last thread. I hope your all doing as best as you can I know this time of year is hard.
