cymbaline23
Member
- May 1, 2024
- 36
I constantly try to distract myself but it's never enough. As soon as I wake up in the morning, my mind is flooded with overwhelming thoughts. Nothing makes it go away, it's never enough. I'm so tired of this. I wish I could smoke weed until my lungs collapse. I've been hitting myself again because I don't have anything else to help. I don't enjoy anything. I'm tired of being a burden. I feel so alone, and I hate everyone. I just want to be loved. Everything is so overwhelming, I can't even talk to people anymore, even online. I'm mentally ill and socially inept so I know I'll never be loved, and that kills me. I can't have any sort of human interaction without losing my mind. I don't want it to be like this anymore. I wish I could be normal. I just want to be held. I'm tired of this hopeless cycle.
I think about the nature of life every day. Gender roles, prejudice, violent crime, greed, lust, nature, childbirth, dystopian society... I hate that things have to be this way, it's so absurd to me. I don't understand how people have the will to live this life. I've never even been able to be 100% consistent with personal hygiene. I wish I wasn't male sometimes, I hate having a male brain, and I hate being associated with violent, evil people just because I was born like this. I feel like I don't belong anywhere in this world.
I feel like I'm losing my grip on reality. I'm tired of my mom making me feel like shit. It feels like she guilt-trips and belittles me so much, and trying to say something only makes things worse, even when I say it the right way. I'm tired of being mean to her, too. I love her, but she makes me so angry, and she's driving me insane. She's always had my back and helped with my mental health struggles, but in other ways, I feel like she unintentionally neglected me, and I was set up for failure. I wasn't eased into adulthood. Life is terrifying. I contribute nothing to this world, and I don't have the ability to. Maybe it's just because I'm autistic, or maybe the neglect plays a part in it too.
I feel like my therapist is mad at me or maybe she hates me. I always have something to say for therapy, but I fuck up every time and never say it the right way. I have a hard time being 100% honest, as if I have a reputation to maintain or something. I feel like an evil, terrible person most of the time. Last session, I feel like I overshared, and I keep beating myself up over it. Maybe therapy is just making things worse. Maybe I'm experiencing transference.
I'm tired of being alone, evil, and worthless.
I think about the nature of life every day. Gender roles, prejudice, violent crime, greed, lust, nature, childbirth, dystopian society... I hate that things have to be this way, it's so absurd to me. I don't understand how people have the will to live this life. I've never even been able to be 100% consistent with personal hygiene. I wish I wasn't male sometimes, I hate having a male brain, and I hate being associated with violent, evil people just because I was born like this. I feel like I don't belong anywhere in this world.
I feel like I'm losing my grip on reality. I'm tired of my mom making me feel like shit. It feels like she guilt-trips and belittles me so much, and trying to say something only makes things worse, even when I say it the right way. I'm tired of being mean to her, too. I love her, but she makes me so angry, and she's driving me insane. She's always had my back and helped with my mental health struggles, but in other ways, I feel like she unintentionally neglected me, and I was set up for failure. I wasn't eased into adulthood. Life is terrifying. I contribute nothing to this world, and I don't have the ability to. Maybe it's just because I'm autistic, or maybe the neglect plays a part in it too.
I feel like my therapist is mad at me or maybe she hates me. I always have something to say for therapy, but I fuck up every time and never say it the right way. I have a hard time being 100% honest, as if I have a reputation to maintain or something. I feel like an evil, terrible person most of the time. Last session, I feel like I overshared, and I keep beating myself up over it. Maybe therapy is just making things worse. Maybe I'm experiencing transference.
I'm tired of being alone, evil, and worthless.
