Venting Not wanting to die but don’t want to live

[willow368]

My life is not that bad honestly if I compare it to others, although some people don't agree with me. But I've been fighting the voices in my head since I was 12…currently 19. And I'm so tired, I've tried so many different types of therapy, got a whole list of diagnoses, but nothing seems to work. I'm stuck in a constant cycle of thinking that I'm finally getting better to completely falling back and going deeper than before. I just can't do it anymore, but when is it the right time?
I don't want to leave my friends or my therapists, as they do truly care about me, and they will fall apart if I CTB. Also I still have pets that I don't want to leave behind. But why should I keep going for others? My head has been dark for years, and I don't think it will get better…
I just don't know anymore.

 

[carnivalforone]

with u on everything im 19 living alone paycheck to paycheck with no views for the future or at least nothing good and im exhausted as well. i wish i could have the balls to ctb but i dont im pathetic in every sense of the word i dont know why i keep trying. it feels like im destined to ctb like this lack of will was for that end and im just fighting it endlessly. theres so many things i want but theres no way for me to ever get them . i wish i could just stop existing. fall asleep forever.