Venting not sure if i will, but it feels like my only option.

[liz!!!!!]

i know the reason why people want me here. usually, the answer is 'it's selfish'. i'm at the point where i understand it's because 'if you do,it'll hurt me really bad.' even for those in my life that it'll hurt bad enough that they won't know what to do, i don't really care. i pinkie promised i wouldn't tonight, but it'd be so easy to just take everything and go. i know how much i took last time. if i take it all, i could. only reason i don't is because when i failed, i had to sit through, "if they really wanted to, they would." i had no one to tell me no that i believed then, so i did. i feel like a pussy, because I let the first time be my 'maybe not now'. now there's people to tell me no, and i'm stuck because i don't want to hurt them. i don't want anyone to deal with that. i could. it would be so easy. but because im writing this, i wont. someone, tell me it's okay. i could take everything, and go to sleep, and i won't deal with it. there will be no heaven. there will be no hell. i'll be done, and i'll be happy. or whatever happy is when there's nothing, anyways.
don't need a method. just need to know i can go. i feel so sorry.
don't need a method. just need to know i can go. i feel so sorry.