Yeah i do think about that and honestly im not sure. I think if id said no before anything started he'd have been mad for wasting his time and would have just left.
I just don't feel its right to say i was raped. Because yes, i said no, but after he ignored that i didn't resist i just let him do what he wanted, and while it happened i didn't think 'im being raped' i was thinking 'oh my god I've just lost my virginity'. Its 2.5 months ago that this happened and because i was so focused on the losing my virginity rather than the fact i never gave consent i don't feel raped because the feelings towards it have died down. I don't know if that makes sense, but in my head i think if i was raped i would have known straight away.
But on the other hand these past few days i have avoided everyone, cried thinking about it, and started falling back into the early stages of my depression. I also recognise that if this was another persons situation i would agree it is rape.
i feel like in this thread I've been very repetitive so im sorry for that but im really struggling because in order to move past this i need to feel and in order to feel i need to accept, but it still feels wrong to say i was raped despite everyone agreeing what happened was rape.
in short, i don't feel raped because for a month or so i was okay with what happened and didn't deep it. it is only now im realising that what happened wasn't okay but it seems too late.
All of what you're experiencing is normal, and it may take a while to process. That's okay.
I had a neighbor drug and rape me and I came to while it was happening. Prior to that, we'd had a semi-physical relationship, a strange relationship. It took me at least a couple of months to realize I'd been drugged and raped.
I would say that what's important is that you have someone who listens to you as you process and is supportive. I didn't have people like that, and for a while I was very ungrounded by the whole experience including the realization. I'm so grateful that, at the very least, your experience wasn't physically violent, and I'm also so compassionately sorry that you're going through the psychological aspect of figuring this out, which is still very difficult, just in a different way. As I said before, I hope you'll be gentle with yourself, and I hope you'll talk to people you feel safe with, patient people who show compassion and neither deny you nor push you, who make it about you and not what they want for you, I say this from experience. Even one person like that can make a huge difference. There is nothing to be ashamed of, and I trust you will become aware of whatever you need to as you are ready, and of whatever is best along the way to do for yourself.
I'd like to offer, by comparison, one other experience I had that did not end up in rape. I met a guy while traveling. We had an initial attraction, hung out, and I made it clear I wasn't sure if I wanted to go ahead with a hookup, which he seemed cool with. After a few hours together, I said, "I'm not quite feeling this and I think it might just be best if we walk away and cut our losses" (an investment of hours between two solo travelers, each paying for our own food and drinks, but still, sex is not a payoff for any investment). He made a decent argument and I agreed to keep hanging out, even get a room that we each paid half for, but I would not guarantee that it would end in sex, and he agreed to that. By the end of the night, after spending close to twelve hours together, when we got to the room we'd reserved earlier, I knew I just wasn't into it. We were an intellectual and conversational match, but the chemistry wasn't there for me. I kindly but firmly told him sex wasn't going to happen, I was happy to sleep in the same bed, but no to anything else. He was displeased and didn't hide it, but he didn't lose his shit either, and he accepted my no. At worst, he was a little bitter, but no tantrum, no violence, no name-calling, no cajoling, no guilt trip. When I was sure he'd accepted, I fell asleep while he was still processing on his side of the bed, and when I woke in the middle of the night, he'd left. I stretched out and enjoyed the big bed to myself. If he'd tried to override my no in any way at any time, I would have left and gone back to my own hotel.
