Nostalgia is a weird king of pain

[alreadyfound]

recently I started to feel a sense of nostalgia and now it's invading all my thoughts and it's really hard to bear. It's particularly weird knowing I had a pretty shitty life, I have been sexually abused in my childhood and beaten and neglected by my parents. I never had friends, was always alone except the one time when I was stalked and assaulted by a guy in the beginning of college.

But I remember my few good memories ; playing with my nintendo 3DS, the time I went to Disneyland at 10 yr old, the intellectually stimulating conversation I had with that guy before he turned crazy.

Life get worse everyday, making the past seem desirable despite how flawed it was. I don't even want to come back to this period of my life but I don't know. It's strange and it hurts my chest thinking about it.

my present and future are scaring me and my past is aching. Living is a terrible experience

 

[x9x99988]

I was very nostalgic today, just thought about how so much better my life was 5-7 years ago

 

[infinitesimal]

ive honestly been in the same shoes as you, been the subject of physical/emotional abuse and incest... its much easier to suspend your disbelief and rationalize what happened in the past especially when youre hyperaware and traumatized now.

grappling with a past like that must be really hard and i really feel for you. being a child is shitty experience because adults will trample over your sense of self and agency but there is less responsibility for you to undertake. in adulthood, there are less silver linings, and the dread of everyday life overtakes your ability to see the good in the present. so you turn to the past to salvage something pleasant

dont wanna come across as pro-life or impeding on your choice (because really, living can be unbearable) but i really hope that despite its scariness the future will be kinder to you, and allow you to recover in a way thats liberating. i cannot say for sure if your life would get better or not, but i also do hope that youll eventually gain good memories in this stage of life, even if its small or seemingly inconsequential.

while one can only hope, kindness is a human right and one day that can be given to you by those in your vicinity

 

[benzodiazepines]

i get you, even though my past was shitty i still find myself missing it all the time, its genuinely driving me insane… i just wanna go back .