Venting "Normal people" make me feel bad

[Dovahki11n]

Tldr I'm a very jealous person.

I always wanted to graduate college, so when I hear other people talk about doing that and the fun times they had i feel so bad. Or people talking about how they had fun in their childhood. Meanwhile that's when I started messing my life up and it was a nightmare. I feel so jealous. When I talk to people with a really good job or money, I feel like I'm a lesser person then them. People will say they never dealt with mental issues or trauma and it makes me uncomfortable. When people have parents with money, and grew up with loving, non abusive, and non negligent parents, I wish it was me. When people have siblings they are super close to it reminds me of how I used to have that and I get depressed. When i hear others speak excitedly about ambitions and dreams I feel worthless for feeling I could never achieve mine, if i even have any at the time. I see people converse with others so easily, and I wonder why I'm so broken. I see people so in love then I start to feel horrible for not being able to feel that way towards partners. I can only feel a sick obsession and fear. I get told about or see people with large groups of friends and it reminds me how socially awkward and unstable I am. I destroy everything. I'm also sad when people have had friends for many years. I wish i could do that. When others can live in the moment, and not constantly worry or feel trapped in the past i want to cry. I wonder how others can be so proud of themselves or be mentally stable, it seems magical. When I see someone very skilled in a hobby they love or working so hard on things, I wonder why I wasted so much of my life. I feel so ashamed. I thought I'd be dead by now, and I wish I was instead of continuing on. I feel so awkward, and less than other people with good lives. I feel i don't deserve to be around them.

I'm so jealous of people who end up recovering, and doing well in life. I feel like I'm a failure. I really did try at times. I don't understand why I can't feel better. Maybe cause i let everything snowball and get so much worse for so long. I only feel better temporarily. I'm given some hope so it can be crushed again.

I'm a very jealous person. I mean I do feel happy for and like to see others doing well. It just also really hurts me and that makes me feel like a horrible, and pathetic person. Maybe I am a bad person. I have done things I truly wish i could change. And on top of that I plan to ctb despite knowing it will hurt others. I wish they would understand ctb is the best thing for me.

Does anyone else feel similar, or have a good way to cope? Sry for the long vent, had something bad happen and got into a mood.

I relate to this so much I feel really bad especially if I see one of my peers alredy graduated and me still being here doing nothing with my life.

"Envy is a horrible thing. It is unlike all other kinds of suffering in that there is no disguising it, no elevating it into tragedy. It is more than merely painful, it is disgusting."
- George Orwell

 

[dandelion_fluff]

Tldr I'm a very jealous person.

I always wanted to graduate college, so when I hear other people talk about doing that and the fun times they had i feel so bad. Or people talking about how they had fun in their childhood. Meanwhile that's when I started messing my life up and it was a nightmare. I feel so jealous. When I talk to people with a really good job or money, I feel like I'm a lesser person then them. People will say they never dealt with mental issues or trauma and it makes me uncomfortable. When people have parents with money, and grew up with loving, non abusive, and non negligent parents, I wish it was me. When people have siblings they are super close to it reminds me of how I used to have that and I get depressed. When i hear others speak excitedly about ambitions and dreams I feel worthless for feeling I could never achieve mine, if i even have any at the time. I see people converse with others so easily, and I wonder why I'm so broken. I see people so in love then I start to feel horrible for not being able to feel that way towards partners. I can only feel a sick obsession and fear. I get told about or see people with large groups of friends and it reminds me how socially awkward and unstable I am. I destroy everything. I'm also sad when people have had friends for many years. I wish i could do that. When others can live in the moment, and not constantly worry or feel trapped in the past i want to cry. I wonder how others can be so proud of themselves or be mentally stable, it seems magical. When I see someone very skilled in a hobby they love or working so hard on things, I wonder why I wasted so much of my life. I feel so ashamed. I thought I'd be dead by now, and I wish I was instead of continuing on. I feel so awkward, and less than other people with good lives. I feel i don't deserve to be around them.

I'm so jealous of people who end up recovering, and doing well in life. I feel like I'm a failure. I really did try at times. I don't understand why I can't feel better. Maybe cause i let everything snowball and get so much worse for so long. I only feel better temporarily. I'm given some hope so it can be crushed again.

I'm a very jealous person. I mean I do feel happy for and like to see others doing well. It just also really hurts me and that makes me feel like a horrible, and pathetic person. Maybe I am a bad person. I have done things I truly wish i could change. And on top of that I plan to ctb despite knowing it will hurt others. I wish they would understand ctb is the best thing for me.

Does anyone else feel similar, or have a good way to cope? Sry for the long vent, had something bad happen and got into a mood.

I understand you. I am a very jealous person, too, with normal people. I go to a college that has a lot of good-looking people and a big social scene, and I'm like a piece of dirt ruining the scenery. When I see a group of friends together, when I hear them talk about parties and the gym, or even when I see people studying diligently, I get jealous. They have the qualities that will help them have a happy life. Determination, the ability to connect with others, and an active social life. I desperately wish I could be like them. But strangely, sometimes I get so resentful that I start thinking I hate them, and that somehow I'm better because I see the reality of life, and they're just sheltered people who don't. I know this is such a wrong and pathetic idea that it's laughable, but it's my hateful way of coping.

 

[dearlydeparted44]

The people I'm super jealous of are those who have so much hope and appreciation for life.

I wouldn't be. Those are usually people who are programmed to see life one way, through their own eyes. Yeah, on the surface, they may seem like all is well. And perhaps it is to some degree. However, if you understand this existence that wants so desperately to be called "life", then you'll see that a lot of people only pretend to be happy. Unfortunately, humans don't really understand what real happiness is. At least modern humans don't. We PAY TO FUCKING EXIST!!! WHAT HOPE!!? That appreciation is usually born out of material privilege and a combination of naivete and indifference to the overabundance of suffering surrounding them. It's like the people walking around seeing their society literally crumbling right before their eyes. Yet, they just go about their day.

And, to some extent, that's all one can do. Except, in this case, it's not. The fate of society is literally in the hands of the masses, and they just choose to do nothing. If collapse happens (which it is right now), then they've collectively decided that they'll cross that bridge when they get to it. You want your head that deep in the sand? I'm not downplaying your feelings. I know exactly how you feel. It's just that, at some point, I came to realize that most of the so-called happiness in this world is a front. Humans have made it a sin to be content. So, when I see one surrounded by people who may or may not even like them, and trying to front that as "happiness" and those people their "loved ones", I just look and laugh. I guess I've experienced enough to realize that true happiness comes from within. And that's when I stopped comparing myself to others.

I hope you can get to the point where you realize the truth about this life, so that you can finally experience that self-love that is pure and comes from understanding life and your place in it.