I love her with every part of my being, but I fucked up in the past and I have to understand that things will never be the same. The funny thing is that she has done so much worse to me, but I accept her. I accept that she's ill but does love me somewhere in there. Nobody will ever want me or love me with such passion, nobody else will hurt me and convince me it's an act of love. Nobody else will tell me I shouldn't be making them feel bad and manipulated after I open up about wanting to end my life. Nobody else will block me, get their drug addicted family to threaten me into staying away then message me 3 weeks later saying they didn't stop thinking about me for a second and worship the ground I walk on for the days after. BPD is the worst mental illness because it doesn't just affect you, you entrap people. If somebody sticks around enough, they become this subservient little puppy that ends up killing themself because you can't even get annoyed at anything they do. You have to support every single decision they make or you become the absolute worst person to have ever lived. Having to beg her to give back a bag of coke that some guy slid her after she kissed him in public broke my heart so intensely. I have so much resentment, but I can put it all away because my love for her outweighs anything negative I feel. I want to try hanging, I don't have anywhere to do it though. Is there a metal stand I can buy that will allow me to do partial hanging? I would also take something like N20 before to make me numb, maybe help me pass out quicker. I've been abusing it lately because it helps me feel nothing. I'm so tired of feeling and I can't do it anymore. Any advice, help, thoughts would be appreciated.
claraisnotcarol
from dust to dust
- Oct 4, 2023
- 111
hi, bpd girl here.
even tho I'm on the other side, I understand your struggle. I've been in quite relationships and they always just can't take it anymore, not matter how much they love me. most of them say that I've ruined their lives. I've wanted to ctb every time someone left me, thinking i was just evil. everytime I thought or felt my partner was "abandoning" me, I would self harm, hook up with strangers, do drugs, etc. basically I would break their hearts because of my paranoia and because I loved them so much (how ironic right?)
what I mean with that is, sometimes, even if you break a borderline person heart, you have to make the right decision for you. sometimes in love you have to be selfish, and even more or you are mentally unstable. you didn't do anything wrong, and she is just ill and needs to recover, and then who knows?
but now you have to think in your mental health
I hope this helped at least a bit<3
even tho I'm on the other side, I understand your struggle. I've been in quite relationships and they always just can't take it anymore, not matter how much they love me. most of them say that I've ruined their lives. I've wanted to ctb every time someone left me, thinking i was just evil. everytime I thought or felt my partner was "abandoning" me, I would self harm, hook up with strangers, do drugs, etc. basically I would break their hearts because of my paranoia and because I loved them so much (how ironic right?)
what I mean with that is, sometimes, even if you break a borderline person heart, you have to make the right decision for you. sometimes in love you have to be selfish, and even more or you are mentally unstable. you didn't do anything wrong, and she is just ill and needs to recover, and then who knows?
but now you have to think in your mental health
I hope this helped at least a bit<3
Foreverix
Aeternum Vale
- Sep 18, 2023
- 204
Sheesh. I don't miss dating or relationships at all, and compared to this I was playing on normal difficulty. It did seem true to me that the more unstable the relationship was, the more exciting things seemed for a bit. But I would jump ship and ghost before it could crash and burn and have a major effect on me. They weren't really relationships at all. I always felt the whole thing was rigged and played to my favor.
The relationship you convey here seems to have a bitterly heavy price tag. It's like she swallowed you whole, or close to it. I admire the fact that you seemed to open yourself up, both to love and the consequent suffering. But I can't wrap my head around not resenting her to an epic degree.
The relationship you convey here seems to have a bitterly heavy price tag. It's like she swallowed you whole, or close to it. I admire the fact that you seemed to open yourself up, both to love and the consequent suffering. But I can't wrap my head around not resenting her to an epic degree.
Blue Elephant
Mage
- Sep 22, 2023
- 519
No, you don't have to! The concept of love, the idea of love is that you want good things for the other person, you wat them to be happy. Being selfish hurts them, there is no need for that. Even if you don't love them anymore (because they changed, because they are different person) the right thing is to just walk away. I don't see the point in hurting.
darkenmydoorstep
Not Waving But Browned Off….
- Sep 27, 2023
- 546
The guy I love has it. He's bloody hard work but I'm addicted. Not sure what I do. I hear you.
claraisnotcarol
from dust to dust
- Oct 4, 2023
- 111
yeah, I totally agree! sorry, maybe I didn't explain myself correctly. what I meant by selfish is that when a person is hurting you deeply, to the point of decreasing your mental health and it's just bad for you and there's no way to fix it, you have to be "selfish" and end it before it can harm you anymore.
of course I didn't mean by that to hurt the other person!
for example, one of my partners left me because they were suffering because my bpd was making them miserable, even though she loved me so much. it hurt me, of course, but I knew it was the best thing for her
Blue Elephant
Mage
- Sep 22, 2023
- 519
That sounds about right. : )
I'm able to look past the actions and see the intentions. Asking why she's acting out and get to root of it, and help there. If she's cutting herself because I mentioned leaving her place, it means she's that desperate to spend time with me. I can look past it, I will never be able to move on considering I made her the center of my universe. I did countless hours of research into the illness and spent so many of resources trying to make her happy, because that's what I truly want for her. I love the woman below the illness, and I won't ever find anyone like it again.
She has hurt me enough to want to kill her, but after time you just understand that people with BPD have such an intense, burning love that it hurts to experience. She's just a broken woman, that's all. How can I hate her for that?
Old Friend
Sleep well, Airstrip One.
- Sep 24, 2023
- 478
My goodness. BPD girl I know/knew liked me so much that I felt she wanted to take me over entirely. It was overwhelming but also addictive. It's such a fuzzy feeling to be loved like that. Unfortunately, her mum's a bozo and the reason she has BPD in the first place.
claraisnotcarol
from dust to dust
- Oct 4, 2023
- 111
just be sure that you don't encourage her to self harm or toxic behaviors because you know that's her form or feeling love towards you, it's important that both of you stay safe
I know, our way to love is fucking overwhelming, even for us, is a terrible illness
chuerdhmproton
Mr. Water Pig
- Sep 9, 2023
- 201
stay away from bpd people, speaking from personal experience...
StalkedByDeath
BPD; MDD; GAD
- Sep 5, 2019
- 69
Exactly what happened to me... Male with BPD, and my wife left last week saying she couldn't do it anymore... She's a dismissive avoidant, so things were especially hard, but we loved each other and still love each other. There's no hope of her coming back though... I was actively seeking therapy, and I had finally found a therapist, but it was too late... She gave up, believing things would never get better, and she refuses to speak to me now. Knowing I pushed my wife away isn't something I can live with... I hope to be gone within the month...
Meditation guide
Always was, is, and always shall be.
- Jun 22, 2020
- 6,089
Worndown
Illuminated
- Mar 21, 2019
- 3,095
Yeah, I rode that train for 15 years. Some vandalism to car and home, 200 or more calls on a bad day, constantly accused of cheating...never did cheat. I guess love is accurate in some context.
I wish she would have agreed to even discuss treatments. She had a good heart but absolutely no control of her life.
I wish she would have agreed to even discuss treatments. She had a good heart but absolutely no control of her life.
Blue Elephant
Mage
- Sep 22, 2023
- 519
This is a very accurate term in describing many people. Thank you for sharing! I will make use of it often from now on.
I'm so sorry for your loss and for your suffering of this affliction! Whatever you decide to do in the future I hope you are successful.
StalkedByDeath
BPD; MDD; GAD
- Sep 5, 2019
- 69
It is very important to understand a dismissive avoidant's problems. I didn't know about it, so I didn't understand why my wife would shut down when we had deep conversations... Why she would never have anything to say.... Why she would hide things from me even if they were relatively minor... As an anxious attachment, I understand now that she has the same level of problems as I do (well... As far as attachment goes), but in a conflicting way. All those times I felt she didn't care because she had nothing to say.... All those times I got angry because she would shut down.... All those times I freaked out because she was hiding things.... I wish I understood where it was coming from, the reason behind it, so I could have been more understanding and helped her feel understood.... Feel like she didn't have to hide "little" things to avoid conflict.... Give her space when I felt like there were deeper reasons she needed considerable time apart... Tell her "It's okay that you don't know what to say right now".... I wish I knew before it was too late...
Blue Elephant
Mage
- Sep 22, 2023
- 519
I think many women do this, I observe people (I like psychology), I like to see and understand how they think. And I don't know, maybe guys do it too but I don't know any. Anyway the thing is they hide things and it bottles up, they hide things and it bottles up and I feel this constant pressure, like I have to guess what is wrong.. How am I suppose to read minds!? How am I suppose to fix the situation, how am I suppose to improve myself if I don't know what the problem is!? And at some point in time it suddenly bursts (though you see signs before that happens) and there's all this rage and suddenly it's my fault and I just sit there dumbstruck, knowing that this was going to happen but having no idea why, having had no chance to stop it. : (
dreambound
Student
- Dec 14, 2021
- 110
thankyou for the thoughtful comments, i have much differculty in analysing the bpd relationship & am still in the dark as
far as understanding all thats involved, but find i can relate to the posts here.....
far as understanding all thats involved, but find i can relate to the posts here.....
claraisnotcarol
from dust to dust
- Oct 4, 2023
- 111
there are a lot of people here with bpd (myself included) and this is kind of rude... we are not monsters.
I empathize with your personal experiences. it is difficult to deal with, especially when you're dealing with your own problems.
on the other hand, this way of thinking is unfair to those with BPD. they don't just wake up in the morning and choose how they're going to feel or what they will do. they are people. how those with BPD behave or react isn't black and white, reasons for which are complex and rooted in what they've gone through.
I don't blame you or others for feeling the way you do. dealing with those who struggle with BPD is tough. most people, especially neurotypicals, do not have the ability to deal with the intense emotions. it's a roller coaster ride for those on the outside looking in and a good amount of people aren't cut out for it.
so it's okay for you and others to communicate how you feel to the other person and distance yourselves. it's putting yourself first and recognizing you cannot meet a BPD person's needs and that is okay. forcing your hand would not be fair to you or the person with BPD.
but, what you shouldn't do is make the BPD person out to be the problem. that deters others who are capable of shouldering the weight and dealing with the intensity. it discourages people from still being there from afar and supporting people they care about. in addition, it only makes a person with BPD person feel worse. you don't think they feel like they're the problem? they've been made to feel like they're the issue and that they're broken. they are well aware of those thoughts and that's upsetting.
like @claraisnotcarol has mentioned, many members on the forum struggle with BPD. they've been driven to the site out of a need to find a safe space that they do not have IRL. a good amount of them are incredibly alone because of this way of thinking, which leads to stigma and unfair treatment that inevitably forces them to isolate themselves and suffer in silence.
so again, it's okay for you not wanting to stick around. a good amount of people won't because they do not have the capacity to handle the intensity. THAT IS OKAY and incompatibility is normal. on the other hand, there are others who would and have the ability to do so. they recognize that those with BPD are just like the next person, a person who has their own struggles.
people with BPD are deserving of the same love, care, and support as the next person. it's disheartening to see the lack of empathy at times on this site for the next person. it's okay if you don't understand, which is why it's best to distance yourself and move on. what we shouldn't do is put others down even more for something they cannot control.
claraisnotcarol
from dust to dust
- Oct 4, 2023
- 111
there are a lot of people here with bpd (myself included) and this is kind of rude... we are not monsters
thank you so much for the explanation! I couldnt have put it better.
as you said, it's perfectly understandable that a person that already had bad personal experiences prefers to keep themselves away from bpd for their own mental sake (I said something similar in my first response in this thread). but I want to emphasize that not all people who suffer from bpd are the same.
yes. there might be people untreated that can make your life miserable, but there's also a lot of borderlines that are working hard on therapy to overcome their struggles and be able to become better people with the ones they love.
Blue Elephant
Mage
- Sep 22, 2023
- 519
I think in any kind of relationship with a BPD person it would help a lot if there would be communication. Talk to them all the time, make sure the feelings that you feel for eachother are clear. And.. love them maybe!? I think it would help.
Of course communication and love are always helpful regardless of the situation. : )
Of course communication and love are always helpful regardless of the situation. : )
claraisnotcarol
from dust to dust
- Oct 4, 2023
- 111
exactly! and there is also couples therapy if both parts are open to do that
Old Friend
Sleep well, Airstrip One.
- Sep 24, 2023
- 478
Yeah, it was like she wanted us to become one person. Complete totality. Anzchluss even and I was Austria.
Blue Elephant
Mage
- Sep 22, 2023
- 519
I've always been against couple's therapy. I prefer to keep it between me and her, we know eachother the best and our connection will be that much stronger if we fix it together. In the end, if there is communication (all the time and as soon as any issue arises) then the question is only about issue understanding and acceptance. : )
But hey if it works for others then sure, why not?
chuerdhmproton
Mr. Water Pig
- Sep 9, 2023
- 201
I admit I was quite insensitive regarding this topic, my bad. I take back what I said.
However my view still stands, don't engage with bpd people and try to help them unless you yourself are super solid mentally and can handle the stress.
claraisnotcarol
from dust to dust
- Oct 4, 2023
- 111
I understand. everyone is free to do whatever they feel is best for their relationship.
I haven't done couples therapy neither. but since I do normal therapy, its an idea that I don't discard
and actually right now, thanks to communication, I'm being able to have maybe my first healthy relationship!I understand. everyone is free to do whatever they feel is best for their relationship.
I haven't done couples therapy neither. but since I do normal therapy, its an idea that I don't discard
it's okay. as I said, if you had a bad experience, it's understandable that you don't want to go through the same again. it was just the way you put it since they are a lot of people with bpd that are miserable for not being capable of maintaining healthy relationships
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Aim
🤍
- Sep 12, 2023
- 945
thats not true. alot of people like and love bpd people aswell, i (myself have it) and its a very painful disorder i alot of complex ways. but oh boy, when we love!! there is nothing else. My biggest struggel was the blackand white thinking, i allways had to fight against devaluation. Because it would easy fuck up relationships that i truly cared for and loved. If a person was acting mean or strange, it was very hard for me to be nice. (the bigger person) even though ii tried and got alot better. There is alot of hope for BPD. My bestfriend wa also bpd. the smartest coolest nicest girl ever>#
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