Nobody understands how bad it gets

[burninghill]

TL;DR: I have no support for my mental health struggles and am worried that my suicide may cause my mother to kill herself aswell.

I'm just so upset. My boyfriend told me that essentially he didn't realise how high maintenance my mental health would be (also that he's learning to manage it and it's just going to take some time), but it's just made me unreasonably upset.

What about severely depressed and chronically suicidal wasn't understandable? I never feel like I'm taken seriously, I don't feel like anyone knows what anhedonia or depression really looks like.

He knows about my previous addictions to gore, alcohol, nicotine and dph, he knows I get intrusive thoughts, nightmares, insomnia and that I actively self-harm. I get zero support. There is no maintenance because I do it all myself.

I just want people to take me seriously and hear me. When I talk about my mental health all I get is 'I wish I could help'. Please for fucks sake, I'm literally going to kill myself. I get nightmares about suicide and my previous attempts, about hurting people and watching people get hurt.

I just want it all to go away, I want to curl up into a tiny ball and never be seen again. I'm also just stressed because I'm going out with my family for two nights soon and I'm going to have to hide my new self-harm scars which go up to the very top of my wrist.

I want to kill myself so badly and nobody takes me seriously. I want to do it just so people know how much this all hurts and how little anyone did to help. My mum said today that her life couldn't get any worse and all I could think of is that it probably could and I'm going to be the one to do that. She's suicidal too sometimes and I might be the end of her life.

 

[RawRX3]

Definitely deserve to be seen and taken seriously >_<

Support <3 <3 <3

 

[ariewist]

Yeah, I care about how my death would affect my mother and that's a shackle on me. I think when I move, it will makes thing easier to go through and face the end.

I feel for you for real, sending love.

It hurts when family knows about your conditions and demeans it act like it's fixable even though it's a life time burden. My siblings think I'm a loser, a pussy and weak to fit in society without even doing anything.

It hurts getting verbally abused and physically abused and joking about my mental health while saying it goes for everyone. Sorry for the tangent.

 

[Hollowman]

I'm more at peace after giving up trying to be understood. I tried for so long. It wore and burned me out. Unfortunately people can't get in our heads and experience things exactly how we do.

 

[CrawlingInMySkin]

It's always "I wish I could help," "I'm sorry you have to go through this," the same bullshit. nobody really cares more than their ego and savior complex will allow. they'll listen to you once or twice then give up. It sucks. It hurts. You deserve more, mate. Love and peace…

 

[attheend13]

TL;DR: I have no support for my mental health struggles and am worried that my suicide may cause my mother to kill herself aswell.

I'm just so upset. My boyfriend told me that essentially he didn't realise how high maintenance my mental health would be (also that he's learning to manage it and it's just going to take some time), but it's just made me unreasonably upset.

What about severely depressed and chronically suicidal wasn't understandable? I never feel like I'm taken seriously, I don't feel like anyone knows what anhedonia or depression really looks like.

He knows about my previous addictions to gore, alcohol, nicotine and dph, he knows I get intrusive thoughts, nightmares, insomnia and that I actively self-harm. I get zero support. There is no maintenance because I do it all myself.

I just want people to take me seriously and hear me. When I talk about my mental health all I get is 'I wish I could help'. Please for fucks sake, I'm literally going to kill myself. I get nightmares about suicide and my previous attempts, about hurting people and watching people get hurt.

I just want it all to go away, I want to curl up into a tiny ball and never be seen again. I'm also just stressed because I'm going out with my family for two nights soon and I'm going to have to hide my new self-harm scars which go up to the very top of my wrist.

I want to kill myself so badly and nobody takes me seriously. I want to do it just so people know how much this all hurts and how little anyone did to help. My mum said today that her life couldn't get any worse and all I could think of is that it probably could and I'm going to be the one to do that. She's suicidal too sometimes and I might be the end of her life.

You said a few things that were the loudest for me. Wanting it to go away and wanting people to know how much it hurts is normal. It's human. You sound very young and in a lot of pain. I am in the opposite side. I have kids and I don't get to ctb. I'm on this site praying I'll see something that will take me out and no one will know it was suicide. If such a thing existed I'm sure it wouldn't be here or a lot of us wouldn't be. I want the pain to end so badly it's like a knot trapped in my throat that could be a scream but instead it's a razor killing me from the inside. I have no advice or even keen observations. Life is a razor blade slicing at you until you die inside and become another walking zombie. There's so many now. But I'll say this for what it's worth. There's many endings in front of you even though you may not see them all. I'm older, I can see things in front of you I don't know if you have considered yet. Tonight I'll just say someone out in the darkness hears you and acknowledges that the pain seems insurmountable. You're not alone in it. These things seem true and you can provide evidence they're true and I can't provide any evidence to the contrary but nonetheless don't let that darkness be louder than the light still in front of you. For some of us, well we've had our turn and we blew it. Sounds like you haven't taken your turn yet. Not fully. The one thing I can guarantee you is change. Nothing stays the same. Maybe for you it can get better.