Hi,
So It's been a month since my beloved (almost)fiancee commited suicide. It's been hell ever since. She was everything to me. My whole life and all memories shared with hers and it just feels so empty without her. I wanted to CTB tomorrow, but I don't have the guts to join her and that makes it even worse. I know she would want me to be happy but I can't live at all right now. I'm just laying in my bed all day every day and keep crying and sleeping. And to add more fuel to the mixture I'm out of my anti-anxiety pills that allowed me to not wake up in fear and sweat since her death and I'm scared what's going to happen now. I'm smoking too much, drinking too much, burning money like a crazy person. I know deep down that the only thing that could mend me whatsoever is taking care of another woman, but it'd be hell for her in my current state and it'd also feel like cheating to my dead soulmate, I can't function at all and I think it's just a matter of time until I'll just burn all the money and CTB next summer. I prayed for a sign. Anything that would keep me here and I haven't gotten anything. Just destroyed foot from a 50km pilgrimage...
Anyway, that's all I wanted to say. I doubt anyone is going to read it anyway, but any reply is welcome.
So It's been a month since my beloved (almost)fiancee commited suicide. It's been hell ever since. She was everything to me. My whole life and all memories shared with hers and it just feels so empty without her. I wanted to CTB tomorrow, but I don't have the guts to join her and that makes it even worse. I know she would want me to be happy but I can't live at all right now. I'm just laying in my bed all day every day and keep crying and sleeping. And to add more fuel to the mixture I'm out of my anti-anxiety pills that allowed me to not wake up in fear and sweat since her death and I'm scared what's going to happen now. I'm smoking too much, drinking too much, burning money like a crazy person. I know deep down that the only thing that could mend me whatsoever is taking care of another woman, but it'd be hell for her in my current state and it'd also feel like cheating to my dead soulmate, I can't function at all and I think it's just a matter of time until I'll just burn all the money and CTB next summer. I prayed for a sign. Anything that would keep me here and I haven't gotten anything. Just destroyed foot from a 50km pilgrimage...
Anyway, that's all I wanted to say. I doubt anyone is going to read it anyway, but any reply is welcome.
