Venting No One Can “Make You” Upset

[Felodese]

People keep giving me this bullshit. Nothing anyone does to you can hurt you. If you get hurt it's your fault, for being weak and letting them do that to you.

My entire life I've been told that everything is my own fault. I've been responsable for not only my own actions, feelings, thoughts and reactions, but also the actions of others (I made them do it), their feelings (I made them angry/upset/sad and so on - that's why they did what they did), their thoughts (of course they think I'm useless/in the way/just lazy/a freak - cause that's what I am), their reactions (what I do and what I am is what made them react like that). It's always my fault. I'm to blame for it all. Me and no one else.

And it's my fault that I'm depressed. It's my fault that I'm still depressed after all this time. It's my fault that I'm not healed. It's my fault that I've net been able to get help from the health care system. It's my fault that my family wouldn't help me, that they flat out rejected me. It's my fault that trauma and adversity hasn't made me stronger.
It's all my fault, cause I've alowed people and things that have happened to break me down.

I'm always the problem. So why not just remove the problem?

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

That's what your note should say.

"I decided to be respnsible for my own actions."

 

[sugarh1gh]

I feel you. But it is straight up bullshit they make up when they hurt you. They say that to avoid responsibility. If someone hurt you, it's their fault. There are tons of studies about how environment can affect one's mental health. Just don't give anything to them except maybe middle finger.

 

[LifeIsBS]

I feel you. But it is straight up bullshit they make up when they hurt you. They say that to avoid responsibility. If someone hurt you, it's their fault. There are tons of studies about how environment can affect one's mental health. Just don't give anything to them except maybe middle finger.

exactly, it's just pathetic that this is how they react after hurting you or when "helping" you, just pushing all the blame onto you. their thinking makes me wonder sometimes if they are just following a script or something.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

...But if a person chooses to end their own life, suddenly, those with the "no one can make you upset" mindset will reverse their thinking completely, if they know you personally; whoever chose to end their lives will be blamed for "passing their pain" onto others.

 

[UKscotty]

We don't chose to be depressed but I do agree with people who say being offended or bring upset is a choice.

I used to let other people dictate how I feel, not anymore. Only I can determine how I feel. What other people do or day is no longer my concern.

Now days I dont give a shit what people say.

 

[22yrsandnowshesgone]

Most people are idiots , yet in this case i agree with them . Though i will also say i too am here because i cannot stop the pain. Have you ever read Meditations by Marcus Aurelius? it is a journal he kept and it is extremely interesting to read as you get a look into the mind of a man who ,while a ruler of rome struggles with his role and what it means to live a just life. The stoic thought is that everything can be overcome using logos and wisdom . it is very interesting , and i feel true what they say. its not always easy , even marcus aurelius wrote because he too , struggled . try reading it friend . But u can be quitwe right for becoming angry at people for making such a bold claim , as they themselves usually get upset over the tiniest of things

 

[thenamingofcats]

If it's true that no one can make another person feel bad then they would stop trying since there would be no point and the world would be a much nicer place. People say cruel things because they know it hurts. Including telling you it's your fault.

 

[22yrsandnowshesgone]

...But if a person chooses to end their own life, suddenly, those with the "no one can make you upset" mindset will reverse their thinking completely, if they know you personally; whoever chose to end their lives will be blamed for "passing their pain" onto others.

i agree that most times it is true , but there are some who live by the code of choice to not allow the world to hurt me and they too are also not so quick with rash judgement , yet again most r hyppocrites

 

[Hotsackage]

I get the same to, the old suck it up, and told I'm neurotic, thanks tips, see you walk in my shoes. It normally doesn't bother me, but I hate condescending of any kind.

 

[Linda]

People keep giving me this bullshit. Nothing anyone does to you can hurt you. If you get hurt it's your fault, for being weak and letting them do that to you.

My entire life I've been told that everything is my own fault. I've been responsable for not only my own actions, feelings, thoughts and reactions, but also the actions of others (I made them do it), their feelings (I made them angry/upset/sad and so on - that's why they did what they did), their thoughts (of course they think I'm useless/in the way/just lazy/a freak - cause that's what I am), their reactions (what I do and what I am is what made them react like that). It's always my fault. I'm to blame for it all. Me and no one else.

And it's my fault that I'm depressed. It's my fault that I'm still depressed after all this time. It's my fault that I'm not healed. It's my fault that I've net been able to get help from the health care system. It's my fault that my family wouldn't help me, that they flat out rejected me. It's my fault that trauma and adversity hasn't made me stronger.
It's all my fault, cause I've alowed people and things that have happened to break me down.

I'm always the problem. So why not just remove the problem?

I'm still hurting from something a very close friend did 50 years go. Of course other people can hurt you. But you have to try to move on from things.

 

[Felodese]

We don't chose to be depressed but I do agree with people who say being offended or bring upset is a choice.

I used to let other people dictate how I feel, not anymore. Only I can determine how I feel. What other people do or day is no longer my concern.

Now days I dont give a shit what people say.

Most people are idiots , yet in this case i agree with them . Though i will also say i too am here because i cannot stop the pain. Have you ever read Meditations by Marcus Aurelius? it is a journal he kept and it is extremely interesting to read as you get a look into the mind of a man who ,while a ruler of rome struggles with his role and what it means to live a just life. The stoic thought is that everything can be overcome using logos and wisdom . it is very interesting , and i feel true what they say. its not always easy , even marcus aurelius wrote because he too , struggled . try reading it friend . But u can be quitwe right for becoming angry at people for making such a bold claim , as they themselves usually get upset over the tiniest of things

I think you're missing part of my point here.

Yes, I'm saying that people can in fact make you feel bad, wheather you want them to or not. What people do/say does affect others.
A real life exempel: when I came out to my parents they no longer wanted anything to do with me. I was no longer welcome home, I could no longer see my siblings, I no longer had a family. This affected me badly in many ways, and among them, emotionally. Is this me chosing to be "offended", or something that I should be able to rationalize away?

The other part - the one I think you're missing - is that I am also held responsible for how others, the people who have hurt me, feel, think and act.
Like in the example above with my parents, I have been made responsible for having been kicked out, for "breaking my parent's hearts", for making them find me disgusting, for destroying the family, etc. And when, as an adult, I have tried to speak to my parents about the fact that they hurt me, I was told that I was overly sensitive and that it was too bad that I took it that way, but it was, in fact, my own fault to begin with, and now I was hurting them again by accusing them of being bad parents.

If you guys are able to shrug shit like that off, then that's honestly really great for you. But I, personally, can't. I do resent being told that I'm responsible for both myself and everyone else, while others have no responsibility what so ever towards me. I resent being told that I am accountable for how I make others feel, but they are not accountable for how they make me feel. Perhaps that's just makes me a bitter and inherently flawed person, I don't fucking know.

My belief it that if the actions of others didn't effect us, and we could just chose to not have emotions or emotional reactions, we would have died out as a speicies a long time ago. If we were unbothered by how others treat or view us then the whole social constuct would crumble, as it's basically fear of rejection that has kept humanity and society together.

 

[LaughingGoat]

I think you're missing part of my point here.

Yes, I'm saying that people can in fact make you feel bad, wheather you want them to or not. What people do/say does affect others.
A real life exempel: when I came out to my parents they no longer wanted anything to do with me. I was no longer welcome home, I could no longer see my siblings, I no longer had a family. This affected me badly in many ways, and among them, emotionally. Is this me chosing to be "offended", or something that I should be able to rationalize away?

The other part - the one I think you're missing - is that I am also held responsible for how others, the people who have hurt me, feel, think and act.
Like in the example above with my parents, I have been made responsible for having been kicked out, for "breaking my parent's hearts", for making them find me disgusting, for destroying the family, etc. And when, as an adult, I have tried to speak to my parents about the fact that they hurt me, I was told that I was overly sensitive and that it was too bad that I took it that way, but it was, in fact, my own fault to begin with, and now I was hurting them again by accusing them of being bad parents.

If you guys are able to shrug shit like that off, then that's honestly really great for you. But I, personally, can't. I do resent being told that I'm responsible for both myself and everyone else, while others have no responsibility what so ever towards me. I resent being told that I am accountable for how I make others feel, but they are not accountable for how they make me feel. Perhaps that's just makes me a bitter and inherently flawed person, I don't fucking know.

My belief it that if the actions of others didn't effect us, and we could just chose to not have emotions or emotional reactions, we would have died out as a speicies a long time ago. If we were unbothered by how others treat or view us then the whole social constuct would crumble, as it's basically fear of rejection that has kept humanity and society together.

I agree with you as well as the two people you responded to as I think everyone's perspective here is correct. They're describing strategies that develop emotional resilience that is effective for many and you're describing your personal experiences and how you feel. I also agree that no one can hold you responsible for others' actions.

The only thing I would counter is likening emotional resilience to ridding oneself of all emotions. That's not the goal or process, the idea is as old and practiced as philosophy itself; the concept of limiting emotional distress to what's in the person's control and working to remove external factors from effecting that. Again I respect if that is not something you want to engage in personally, just pointing out that parts of cultures all over the world have practiced that for thousands of years and it didn't lead to the end of humanity. I see it as the opposite, the fear of rejection or harm has always led us to maintain a tribal perspective where we are inherently distrustful of those that are different from us. The aggressive nationalism and suffering we've inflicted on one another throughout history due to this is incomprehensible.

 

[lost_ange2211]

I'm sorry to hear that most people are like that to you. You are only responsible for your own actions, for your own thoughts and not for anyone else's.

when it comes to reactions to what they do or say to you in theory you got a say of how you react but practically when you are triggered you'll act with what you think it's best in said situations. But being aware of every trigger, being aware and mindful about your own reaction or emotions before they boil over is really difficult. You have to break free out of that automate reaction loop as we act based on past interactions/ how we internally learned to.

Though they are also responsible for their actions. Meaning they also could stop triggering you and pressing reactions our of you.

You also don't tell a kid who is bullied to stop being the victim. You should tell the bully to stop bullying.

Unfortunately some people like to find our insecurities and take advantage of it. We have to work on our selves to get out of that loop but it's possible.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think it's a difficult mindset to accomplish. I see the sense in trying but, I've never managed it. It was a person who first made me feel suicidal to begin with as a child. It's very hard to just let bullying or any type of abuse just wash over you. Especially as a child. We don't have the logical reasoning to understand why we are being picked on even. And I imagine lots of people's problems start in childhood.

It's kind of weird too. We're social animals by nature. We probably function best when we have good support networks of people around us. Why then wouldn't it bother us if we lost friendships or, people turned out not to be who they seemed? How can you be simultaneously open and trusting of people to form deep connections but then, cold enough not to care if they happen to stab you in the back?

Plus, all of this excuses this kind of behaviour. If it's us that's at fault- why even bother trying to fight bullying, harrassment, prejudice? Why does any of that matter if we shouldn't be getting upset about things?

Plus, as other people have pointed out- if all our own actions shouldn't affect other people- then, all behaviours are permissable. They definitely shouldn't start whining if someone chooses to kill themselves. That shouldn't get to them either. (But, they'll insist that it will.)

 

[Kalista]

this is dismissive of their own actions and placing all the blame unto you.

so we're always the one that lets things affect us, not any sort of external experience? yet if we we're to connect this with another type of thinking which many here love to express -- "but think about how others would be affected if you killed yourself"
you have to stop letting things get to you, but can't kill yourself because others will feel like shit? maybe they shouldn't let that death affect them then if we're to use this absolute non-sense of an excuse.

external experiences shape one's life whether for the 'good' or 'bad.' negative experiences tend to stick in our brain way hard and far longer than good ones unfortunately.