mangoastronaut
Member
- Aug 7, 2025
- 55
Even when my life gets better, my brain doesn't see the joy in it. Always something dragging me down.
Last night I went to a party where I displayed my art, and it could have been fun if I could get out of my own head. Always anxious about what to say next, scared of revealing too much about myself when talking about my art, seemingly never was where the fun was at. I felt like a loser! Even when the event was done I went back home instead of out to the bars with everyone because I couldn't stand how embarrassing I was being. And I couldn't talk to my partner about it because they were having a flare up with their chronic pain. The last thing I wanted them to do is worry about something else.
Today, I'm all alone. I have until September 15 to apply to grad school, and I feel incompetent, like I shouldn't even try. Didn't want to go out because putting on clothes makes me feel fat. (My partner says the clothes shrunk in the dryer, but I feel the weight I've gained since I started eating food again. I just don't have the control to stop anymore.) I'm too scared to embarrass myself in front of anyone again. Shit, I don't even know how to hold myself up! I look so insecure every time I try to straighten my back and pull my shoulders back.
I read a post on here not too long ago from someone who was 18 or 19 saying they would rather ctb than live a miserable, lonesome life in their 20's and. Fuck. Yeah, now I'm 26 and I wish I did that sooner. Maybe they're right. My life is so pathetic. All my homies are out partying and doing drugs, but I can't even drink enough or do enough coke to release my inhibitions anymore. I just think about how much of a fool I'm acting like. I don't know how to have fun in my 20's, I should ctb.
Lucky for me, I'm prescribed all the meds recommended to ctb by SN, just need to get the SN. I've found some leads but no way to get it without it going through customs and risking a welfare check as I've read others have gone through. If any homies wanna help out, even sharing clues, I'd much appreciate it.
Last night I went to a party where I displayed my art, and it could have been fun if I could get out of my own head. Always anxious about what to say next, scared of revealing too much about myself when talking about my art, seemingly never was where the fun was at. I felt like a loser! Even when the event was done I went back home instead of out to the bars with everyone because I couldn't stand how embarrassing I was being. And I couldn't talk to my partner about it because they were having a flare up with their chronic pain. The last thing I wanted them to do is worry about something else.
Today, I'm all alone. I have until September 15 to apply to grad school, and I feel incompetent, like I shouldn't even try. Didn't want to go out because putting on clothes makes me feel fat. (My partner says the clothes shrunk in the dryer, but I feel the weight I've gained since I started eating food again. I just don't have the control to stop anymore.) I'm too scared to embarrass myself in front of anyone again. Shit, I don't even know how to hold myself up! I look so insecure every time I try to straighten my back and pull my shoulders back.
I read a post on here not too long ago from someone who was 18 or 19 saying they would rather ctb than live a miserable, lonesome life in their 20's and. Fuck. Yeah, now I'm 26 and I wish I did that sooner. Maybe they're right. My life is so pathetic. All my homies are out partying and doing drugs, but I can't even drink enough or do enough coke to release my inhibitions anymore. I just think about how much of a fool I'm acting like. I don't know how to have fun in my 20's, I should ctb.
Lucky for me, I'm prescribed all the meds recommended to ctb by SN, just need to get the SN. I've found some leads but no way to get it without it going through customs and risking a welfare check as I've read others have gone through. If any homies wanna help out, even sharing clues, I'd much appreciate it.
