No matter how much pain and tears I shed I will always be a bad person and the bad guy

[dreaming_of_pearl]

as a little girl being bullied and molested by an older classmate I was never allowed to cry, no matter who I asked for help I was always the bad person somehow to my teachers my parents my freinds.

"You cry too much, stop crying what are you crying about this time??"

Life never changed, the people closest to me are sick of me because I'm in pain. They hate me even if they won't say it, if i were dead surely a part of them would be relieved and satisfied that the annoying one in the freind group is gone.

Every single day I relive my life silently untill I snap and cry, i remember having a gun pulled to my head being told I can't say a word about the assault or I'll die here, i remember being bullied for how fucking deformed and ugly I looked, I remember people pretending to be my freind despite hating me.

But I was and am always a horrible fucking person for crying because it hurts, no wonder my dad made me kneel on rice outside in the sun for hours for crying. No wonder why I don't ever let myself wail. If he hears me still it's my fault somehow.

It's no wonder why all of my girlfriend's close freinds hate me. I wish I could mask again perhaps reverting is best. I did so good untill this year with masking.

I'm like a stupid fucking time bomb waiting to explode and die, alone. Honestly as I'm sobbing writing this I don't think I can take it anymore I disappoint those around me. What does it matter that I reached my limit long ago even if I took my life in this moment people would write me off as a suicide baiter till there was a photo of my innards on the internet.

Is it really suicide baiting if in the last moment you can't pull the trigger of the gun?

Is it really suicide baiting if at the last minute your too scared to jump off the highway because you fear nothingness

It is suicide baiting if at the last moment you fear the void and the feeling of nothingness and leaving the warmth of your favorite person behind to a cold dark abyss despite the fact it's all you really deserve tbh?

 

[skaro]

You were taken advantage of and treated horribly. And people don't have the heart to understand that, ignorance is bliss.
It's not your fault in any way. It sounds like you didn't try to fight back too much either, it sounds like you built up all the hate inside of you instead of letting it out, which only shows you don't have it in you to do harm, it shows you're a good person. If it was me being assaulted like that I'd come back next time with a pocket revolver and blow his head off. Heh, maybe his balls instead. (there would be legal implications of course XD)
Trust me, you're worth it <3

 

[Forever Sleep]

Your life sounds horrific. I doubt anyone could have gone through that without crying. I'm sorry the people around you were so unsympathetic. The fault is with them- not you. You don't deserve anything that was done to you. I'm sorry.

 

[Mayonaise]

You are neither bad nor horrible, not at all. What's horrible is how you've been neglected and left drowning in your pain.
Being in pain is far from being horrible. It's a human emotion and, more often than not, it shows high sensitivity and intelligence.
I wish I could be of more help, I wish I could be there to dry your tears. I really hope this is "just a phase" and things start to get better soon.
Sending love and understanding your way.