Story No longer suicidal but don't know how to recover

[ForgottenAgain]

I feel so lost and empty, with no purpose in life beyond existing.
I'm under a high dosage of meds so I'm no longer suicidal. Also started having hallucinations and sort of recovered from that which gave me "temporary happiness" when I had 2 weeks without them.

I don't know what to do with myself, with my life, with everything. I'm trying to find a purpose to live but it feels like I'm searching for nothing, I don't know what to look for, I don't know what I should strive for. I don't even know who I am sometimes.

My psychologist says I'm going through an existencial crisis and that I need long term and short term goals. I can feel that I need them but I don't know what those are! And lately I can't even be depressed in peace because if I start crying I have a psychotic episode and I don't know why. I don't know why my brain is like this...

I miss my best friend...I lost her and even though I've tried to get her back, she never replied to me. I need friends so bad...I need real friends so bad...I'm so lonely... I miss all the people that I've lost...some to death, others to life separating us... I wish I had my mother to guide me...

 

[Redacted24]

Wow, that's incredibly tough. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It had to be so difficult, feeling adrift in the universe, searching for a star to navigate the infinite ocean at night. I don't know if I captured it right.

For me, I was drifting at a shopping center retail dead end job for years, no idea what to do, and no real future. Nobody to guide what's next - just go to work, eat, sleep, repeat.

I like to read, and often fantisized about visiting the places in books. That's what prompted a library visit to learn more about it, and I saved money to go, and finally went. Spent a year there, found work, bought a car. Got deported. Well, there was that too.
But when I was back I went to university, because something I read on my trip sparked interest in me.

It all starts with finding that one thing that makes you think, "hmmm, that's cool, I want to try that"
You never know where that one simple goal will lead you.
Glad you're here by the way!