Venting No Logical Reasoning

[Ｓanctioned Suicide]

Been a while since I browsed the forum, and I've been thinking a lot since then. Most of my life I would have considered myself an Athiest, but rather not because I actually didn't believe but probably because of something they call a children's diagnosis of ODD and my father almost obsessing over my belief in God. I've got to looking more into the Bible, and am almost completely from what I believe to be a logical standpoint convinced that Christianity is probably the most right religion. I don't know that I could fully call myself that either though, I guess I'd call myself a believer in Jesus Christ and the over 500 historical witnesses of him alive after his death. Like Cliffe puts it, water and clotted blood poured from his side, we now know this is a sign of death. I don't remember who he's quoting, but he says someone asked about atheism the only question we really have as atheists is why not kill ourselves. I've thought this over day in and day out, for four solid years now. Now that I think about it as I'm typing this, I seem to realize that's been just about the only real thing I've been concerned with since my 18th birthday. I'm 22 now, on my 18th birthday I was so depressed, I was numb just dead like there was nothing in me I feel like no one's ever been down a road like mine, I feel so alone in this world. But I mean at the end of it all, why does any of this actually fucking matter. Even if there is a God, and creation itself seems so beautiful and appealing, existence itself is pure agony. But back to the point, on my 18th birthday I went out and bought heroin, no reason, I had never done it, wasn't addicted, yet there I was. Alone in my bathroom hiding away from everyone while doing it because my friends and I all did xans, it was bad do to percs or heroin. Never got addicted to xans physically, but physicality dependant to heroin I did. I don't know how, because I loved Xanax, I always hated heroin, always felt like I was overdosing but i never said anything to anyone and just let it happen. Did OD a few times. Wish I was a DNR patient. Life for me is pure drug withdrawal, that's it, and I see no way through it. There's nothing logical to me at this point.

 

[Darkover]

if there is a god he's not your friend and he's is the most evil madman alive

 

[INTJme]

Wow… they allowed you to keep that username? Impressive.

 

[MarkSmith73]

Been a while since I browsed the forum, and I've been thinking a lot since then. Most of my life I would have considered myself an Athiest, but rather not because I actually didn't believe but probably because of something they call a children's diagnosis of ODD and my father almost obsessing over my belief in God. I've got to looking more into the Bible, and am almost completely from what I believe to be a logical standpoint convinced that Christianity is probably the most right religion. I don't know that I could fully call myself that either though, I guess I'd call myself a believer in Jesus Christ and the over 500 historical witnesses of him alive after his death. Like Cliffe puts it, water and clotted blood poured from his side, we now know this is a sign of death. I don't remember who he's quoting, but he says someone asked about atheism the only question we really have as atheists is why not kill ourselves. I've thought this over day in and day out, for four solid years now. Now that I think about it as I'm typing this, I seem to realize that's been just about the only real thing I've been concerned with since my 18th birthday. I'm 22 now, on my 18th birthday I was so depressed, I was numb just dead like there was nothing in me I feel like no one's ever been down a road like mine, I feel so alone in this world. But I mean at the end of it all, why does any of this actually fucking matter. Even if there is a God, and creation itself seems so beautiful and appealing, existence itself is pure agony. But back to the point, on my 18th birthday I went out and bought heroin, no reason, I had never done it, wasn't addicted, yet there I was. Alone in my bathroom hiding away from everyone while doing it because my friends and I all did xans, it was bad do to percs or heroin. Never got addicted to xans physically, but physicality dependant to heroin I did. I don't know how, because I loved Xanax, I always hated heroin, always felt like I was overdosing but i never said anything to anyone and just let it happen. Did OD a few times. Wish I was a DNR patient. Life for me is pure drug withdrawal, that's it, and I see no way through it. There's nothing logical to me at this point.

The only logic is that earth is meant to be a difficult and many times painful learning experience. Things won't necessarily get easier but we have to find the will deep inside to go on. Personally sleep meds and borboun during the day help me. Plus knowing that this world is just a learning experience.