Venting No hope for me! Even if there was, I wouldn’t want it.

[fearandlov3]

Hi, first post! I'm. I'm so ready to go honestly.. I know it would hurt, I know it would hurt others mentally. I know if I could think on it after I'm gone I'd regret it but I genuinely have no care in the world about any outcome. I wan't bad things to happen to me, I can't decide if I should live to suffer like I deserve or if I should just get this all over with..leaning towards the second one. My whole life has been miserable, ever since I started developing more mental health issues with obsessiveness it's just been. Horrid. It's been so long since it started, I don't want to live any longer. Unloved. Uncared for. Hating myself. Terrified. I don't want to live like that anymore. Is that so bad? I want to find a nice, peaceful way to go out but it's so difficult and honestly, horrifying. I always end up opening up and telling people who always try to stop me and I hate it. I want to stay quiet. I want to have it planned for months, just having a fun time with life like. Spending time with family, friends and doing nice things! Then I want it to be over cuz I know the things that will "help" me aren't gonna come ever. Id feel so guilty being with people though, them telling me they love me and me just secretly thinking "lol cool I'm gonna be fine on this date next month" but I can't keep hanging on like this. It's just. Not fair. I want my peace and I want it now. Please something greater than the universe itself out there, let me go.