Venting No good options

[willitpass]

I'm spiraling back down again. Thinking about suicide more and more. I'm realizing I'm losing my spark. I don't feel joy in the things that I normally do. I don't feel connection when I talk to loved ones. I feel so disengaged. I'm going through the motions. I'm struggling to get out of bed. I can't get myself to do things like shower or brush my teeth or clean my apartment as easily. Down, down, down. And all I got was a month of doing better. I just got back home not even two weeks ago.

So I'm in a shitty place. Treatment revived the part of my that truly doesn't want to die. So now I have the battle in my mind between the part that wants to live and the part that wants to kill me. I don't want to die, especially not by burning to death. But I cannot live with the demons in my head. Unfortunately, the only alternative is being honest and getting myself checked back into the hospital. But the hospital is not going to be able to do anything new for me. And being a revolving door patient is not the quality of life I want. If I am going to live, I want to fucking live, not be a perpetual prisoner to the mental healthcare system. A system that has tried almost every single treatment there is spare for a couple uncommon, new treatments with questionable efficacy. And there really are no other options here. I either keep to myself, stay out of the hospital, and wait for myself to spiral so far that I do it. Or I am honest with my treatment team and they send me to the hospital where I may well end up back in residential, or worse off, institutionalized. As much as the part of me that wants to live hates it, I truly would rather burn to death than spend the rest of my life in and out of the hospital.

 

[willitpass]

Having a bad fucking night tonight.

 

[willitpass]

I'm really falling hard. I can't keep doing this. I don't want to set myself on fire but I am going to have to. I will not live this fucking life where I'm chasing a reality that will never be. I don't want to keep fighting for a life that my mind very clearly doesn't want. I am not made for this world.

 

[divinemistress36]

I'm really falling hard. I can't keep doing this. I don't want to set myself on fire but I am going to have to. I will not live this fucking life where I'm chasing a reality that will never be. I don't want to keep fighting for a life that my mind very clearly doesn't want. I am not made for this world.

Is there no option for jumping or hanging?

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Wish you'd just completely dismiss the immolation idea.

 

[willitpass]

Is there no option for jumping or hanging?

There are no good jumping spots in my area, and as strange as it sounds, I don't think I could do it even if there were. For some reason my mind has been able to overcome the mental hurdle of going through the motions to set myself on fire, but the idea of pushing past the barrier of jumping seems insurmountable. I've already failed hanging twice.

I don't have any good explanation for why my brain became hooked on immolation, but when I get an idea for self harm or suicide, I become fixated on it and will one day do it. I've sat on attempt or self harm ideas for years before but always ultimately end up doing them. Nothing I could do at this point would be able to change my mind. And after having failed so many other methods, I genuinely believe that to finally be free, I have to do something drastic.

 

[divinemistress36]

There are no good jumping spots in my area, and as strange as it sounds, I don't think I could do it even if there were. For some reason my mind has been able to overcome the mental hurdle of going through the motions to set myself on fire, but the idea of pushing past the barrier of jumping seems insurmountable. I've already failed hanging twice.

I don't have any good explanation for why my brain became hooked on immolation, but when I get an idea for self harm or suicide, I become fixated on it and will one day do it. I've sat on attempt or self harm ideas for years before but always ultimately end up doing them. Nothing I could do at this point would be able to change my mind. And after having failed so many other methods, I genuinely believe that to finally be free, I have to do something drastic.

Have you watched the suicide burning videos on wpd? They are horrific

 

[willitpass]

Have you watched the suicide burning videos on wpd? They are horrific

I have. A big part of what drove me to going to the hospital back in October despite how traumatizing it is/was and not having much faith in it helping me anyway was the absolute horror I felt thinking about dying that way. It still terrifies me. But the longer I've thought about it, the longer I've had to come to grips with it. I don't want to die like that. Nothing can prepare me for the agony I will experience. But my mind has made itself up on it. The best I can do is remind myself it's a few minutes of unbelievable anguish to spare myself a lifetime of the unbelievable anguish in my head.

 

[divinemistress36]

I have. A big part of what drove me to going to the hospital back in October despite how traumatizing it is/was and not having much faith in it helping me anyway was the absolute horror I felt thinking about dying that way. It still terrifies me. But the longer I've thought about it, the longer I've had to come to grips with it. I don't want to die like that. Nothing can prepare me for the agony I will experience. But my mind has made itself up on it. The best I can do is remind myself it's a few minutes of unbelievable anguish to spare myself a lifetime of the unbelievable anguish in my head.

I hope you have a shit ton of opioids for some pain relief