meowpuppy
valerie | she/they | puppygirl
- Jul 11, 2026
- 33
sorry for making this basically unreadable because i don't use capitalization, nor do i do formatting to ameliorate that
basically title, lol. i wonder if i'm just too weird, generally, to ever make friends. i don't have a lot of interests, because of my preoccupation of, uh, making sure i don't have panic attacks 24/7 lmao. my hands are literally shaking while i type this. i also don't really feel like i fit in with this forum either since, a, i'm not a binary trans girl, and i don't really suffer from dysphoria, only occasionally, and b, i don't hate myself. i feel like i'm in a place that only just barely tolerate me, and at least they tolerate me. other spaces don't even give me that luxury! i'm always an outsider. have any of you read deleuze's work on kafka? because that is literally me irl. i'm deleuze's kafka, hi.
anyways, my only interest is philosophy, and i try to read a little bit of philosophy every once in a while, but my favourites are deleuze and guattari, and they're not the sort of philosophy that is plastered everywhere, so it's not like i can just go into philosophy spaces to make friends, even if i'd want to. i loved the small amount of literature i read, namely borges and kafka (the book i'm currently reading is the book of sand by borges), but i don't like contemporary literature spaces either. rap spaces are obviously trash, and queer spaces are too hit-or-miss. the deleuze spaces are far more fragmented, and the people with even a lick of power in them usually end up being abusive. i try to play games sometimes, but, i don't want to say it's anhedonia, but it acts the part, doesn't really let me do all that well. just this year or so, i've tried JSAB, TF2, roblox, osu!mania, yume 2kki, and geometry dash, admittedly not giving them all that many hours, but still, nothing really stuck. i don't watch shows or movies either, despite the fact that i really really want to enjoy some good movies, i don't know. i guess i just like words better than pictures. i feel like a one-trick pony, and like a showpony that is expected to become a racehorse at the drop of a hat. i just can't do this anymore, i don't know how to make friends. i try to act jovial, hell, even in this post i've tried to, but it's hard to fill an empty heart with glitter, and it's hard to fill an empty mind with words. i don't really create anything either, because i have no real drive or want to do so, and maybe it would have some positive effect on me, but i don't want to torture myself because i have no creative drive, something basically everybody else has.
i don't hate myself, but i hate that the world has placed me in a deadlock where i either have to be myself or be loved, and i can't choose both. i just want to be myself, but if even i have reservations about myself, and if i'm as weird as i claim i am, then i doubt there will be anybody else to love me.
it's my birthday, obviously. the day before, technically.
basically title, lol. i wonder if i'm just too weird, generally, to ever make friends. i don't have a lot of interests, because of my preoccupation of, uh, making sure i don't have panic attacks 24/7 lmao. my hands are literally shaking while i type this. i also don't really feel like i fit in with this forum either since, a, i'm not a binary trans girl, and i don't really suffer from dysphoria, only occasionally, and b, i don't hate myself. i feel like i'm in a place that only just barely tolerate me, and at least they tolerate me. other spaces don't even give me that luxury! i'm always an outsider. have any of you read deleuze's work on kafka? because that is literally me irl. i'm deleuze's kafka, hi.
anyways, my only interest is philosophy, and i try to read a little bit of philosophy every once in a while, but my favourites are deleuze and guattari, and they're not the sort of philosophy that is plastered everywhere, so it's not like i can just go into philosophy spaces to make friends, even if i'd want to. i loved the small amount of literature i read, namely borges and kafka (the book i'm currently reading is the book of sand by borges), but i don't like contemporary literature spaces either. rap spaces are obviously trash, and queer spaces are too hit-or-miss. the deleuze spaces are far more fragmented, and the people with even a lick of power in them usually end up being abusive. i try to play games sometimes, but, i don't want to say it's anhedonia, but it acts the part, doesn't really let me do all that well. just this year or so, i've tried JSAB, TF2, roblox, osu!mania, yume 2kki, and geometry dash, admittedly not giving them all that many hours, but still, nothing really stuck. i don't watch shows or movies either, despite the fact that i really really want to enjoy some good movies, i don't know. i guess i just like words better than pictures. i feel like a one-trick pony, and like a showpony that is expected to become a racehorse at the drop of a hat. i just can't do this anymore, i don't know how to make friends. i try to act jovial, hell, even in this post i've tried to, but it's hard to fill an empty heart with glitter, and it's hard to fill an empty mind with words. i don't really create anything either, because i have no real drive or want to do so, and maybe it would have some positive effect on me, but i don't want to torture myself because i have no creative drive, something basically everybody else has.
i don't hate myself, but i hate that the world has placed me in a deadlock where i either have to be myself or be loved, and i can't choose both. i just want to be myself, but if even i have reservations about myself, and if i'm as weird as i claim i am, then i doubt there will be anybody else to love me.
it's my birthday, obviously. the day before, technically.
you deserve to be loved and i hope you'll always feel free to be yourself
