Venting Nihilism

[Raichu]

No matter how much I try, I always get back to the point I tried to move away from, "everything is pointless". I try to indulge in hobbies, I try to study, I try to make friends and find someone to love. But everytime I come back to this same place. There's this abyss inside me, where everything exists and nothing exists at the same time. I tried to accept the fact that nothing makes any point, so let me build a purpose, a meaning myself. I try. I try to make a point by painting, writing and even trying stand up comedy (pretty ironic for someone that lurks here). But I cannot figure out why, but I always end up at the same place. I thought maybe socialising would help. So I tried making friends, but all that happened was my only two friends drifting further apart from me. And no, neither do I blame them nor myself. Its just something that is happening. So I tried finding love. But everytime I get ghosted after a couple of days or maybe they just say they lost interest. Eventually I started giving up on love and tried focussing on the carnal aspect of a casual relationship or a hook up. But then again I understand I don't have the best specimen of a male body. However, I could have tried being drunk with success. But nah, my stories get rejected, my paintings doesn't really seem like having any worth (except a few) and my stand up sets fail to elicit laughter. In short nothing is helping. And there is this loneliness hitting me time and again. Funny part is, I shared these feelings, the girl rightly tagged me as a nihilist and stated that she wouldn't want to be with a nihilist and drain herself. And I completely agree with her. She has every right to be happy and fulfilled. So that's just that. I continually fail in life, and yet just too aftaid to die I guess. Is this the average male/female/human experience around here? I hope not, I want you guys to be happy and fulfilled!