Venting Nighttime paradise

[Nirrend]

Sometimes there are evenings like this, when I sit in the middle of the night, looking at the stars.

In those moments, the colour of the sky and the absolute silence in which I find myself make me think about things a lot.

I think these kinds of scenes perfectly describe the kind of feelings I have all the time.

I feel like I'm diving into the heart of myself when I'm in that darkness and that deafening emptiness.

I'm sitting in my garden, alone, smoking and having fun with the smoke from my cigarette.

In my other hand I hold my bottle of morphine, but at the same time, you want to open it up and swallow everything.

Then all of a sudden, I realise that I can't, I'd have to be alone, totally alone, without family, without a companion, without guilt.

And finally, when I realise I'm stuck there, and a few sips separate me from the people watching us up there; I sigh.

This starry sky is fantastic, it is my despair, my goal, my past and future.

When I think about it, I go back in time every time I look at a star. Because the light that comes to us is the light that the star gave off five minutes ago. It's not a big leap into the past.

If I could go back further, I would have been better prepared and avoided missing the suicide attempt I made many years ago now.

Unfortunately, I'm stuck here, and even though I'm supposed to turn my back on heaven, even though I'm supposed to open my arms to life,

I am once again, as I have always been, here to find that time eludes me and that my heart is still not in it when it comes to knowing what my exit door tastes like

I'm sorry to talk about all this, it had to come out, I can't take it anymore

 

[UnlimitedPain]

Most days all is do is screens, drinking and blankness in the void of thinking whilst feeling empty. At some point I always think about time mainly in a form of mental self punishment I guess because everything I do is a waste of time and it's all I am good at then am like I should have done this or this etc, but I can't bring myself too do anything. Cycle repeats each day.
Your comment about the stars light was very touching
Don't be sorry for letting it out when you can, it's admirable. Sorry you can't take this plain anymore and your suffering too,
Sending your not alone.

 

[Nirrend]

Most days all is do is screens, drinking and blankness in the void of thinking whilst feeling empty. At some point I always think about time mainly in a form of mental self punishment I guess because everything I do is a waste of time and it's all I am good at then am like I should have done this or this etc, but I can't bring myself too do anything. Cycle repeats each day.
Your comment about the stars light was very touching
Don't be sorry for letting it out when you can, it's admirable. Sorry you can't take this plain anymore and your suffering too,
Sending your not alone.

Thank you for your lovely words ❤

Everyone is suffering here and I hope that you'll also find a way to be happy

Wishing you the best sweet @UnlimitedPain, void is here but my love is real ❤

 

[FuneralCry]

I guess that even if it's difficult, at least it certainly is for me the option to free ourselves from this world is always there for when the time feels right. We are not fully trapped here even though to me it does feel like it. The only relief for me is in the thought of insignificance and how we are destined to die and be forgotten about. Inevitably the suffering will end for us all one day, even if it does feel endless. But I wish you the best, it can certainly be tiring having to endure this existence.