Venting Nights are the hardest.

[Leonard_Bangley39]

I can spend my entire day happily distracted, not existing in reality. But once night time comes and it's time for me to go to sleep, that's when it all comes crawling back. Laying in bed, staring up at a dimly lit ceiling, the soft hum of my ceiling fan the only noise to accompany me. Nothing left to distract myself with, I am left utterly helpless as my thoughts come creeping into my brain.

They all hate me. And if they don't, it's only a matter of time until they do. Why should i even bother wasting my time trying to build connections that i know will inevitably crumble.

Im not a good person. That alone is an undeniable fact. Im a bad person. I could spend a million years pondering and I still couldn't come up with a single good thing about myself. Im barely even human. Hell, I barely even exist.

A few days ago I got a dm on discord from the owner of a server i was in. To try and summarize it, i spam too much and it makes people not want to chat anymore. This helped me realize, I truly have nothing.

I have no irl friends. I never go out for anything other than work. I pushed away all my family. The only pathetic excuse for social interaction or friends that i can manage comes exclusively from online on discord. and even there, i don't fit in. My mere presence is enough to drive people away.

Why am i even still here? I practically don't exist. I seriously mean that. to a majority of the people i interact with, i exist as nothing more than a username and a profile picture accompanied by some lines of text. I could disappear and nobody would notice. All it would take is one click. one single click. if i deleted discord, or got rid of my phone, or just stopped using the Internet, i would basically just cease to exist and nobody would ever hear from me again.

I wish i could stop existing. Im scared of death, but I'm tired of existing. I don't want to exist. I just want to sleep forever. Those brief minutes of calm serenity when you're laying in bed halfway away from falling asleep? I wish that could be existence forever. Just laying down, semi conscious, in pure darkness. No people, no nothing. just drifting around with my thoughts for eternity.

I don't know if it's lucky or unlucky that i don't own any guns, because i can guarantee you if i did own one, i wouldn't be able to resist using it to paint my walls red and ctb.

 

[LongJacks]

I can spend my entire day happily distracted, not existing in reality. But once night time comes and it's time for me to go to sleep, that's when it all comes crawling back. Laying in bed, staring up at a dimly lit ceiling, the soft hum of my ceiling fan the only noise to accompany me. Nothing left to distract myself with, I am left utterly helpless as my thoughts come creeping into my brain.

They all hate me. And if they don't, it's only a matter of time until they do. Why should i even bother wasting my time trying to build connections that i know will inevitably crumble.

Im not a good person. That alone is an undeniable fact. Im a bad person. I could spend a million years pondering and I still couldn't come up with a single good thing about myself. Im barely even human. Hell, I barely even exist.

A few days ago I got a dm on discord from the owner of a server i was in. To try and summarize it, i spam too much and it makes people not want to chat anymore. This helped me realize, I truly have nothing.

I have no irl friends. I never go out for anything other than work. I pushed away all my family. The only pathetic excuse for social interaction or friends that i can manage comes exclusively from online on discord. and even there, i don't fit in. My mere presence is enough to drive people away.

Why am i even still here? I practically don't exist. I seriously mean that. to a majority of the people i interact with, i exist as nothing more than a username and a profile picture accompanied by some lines of text. I could disappear and nobody would notice. All it would take is one click. one single click. if i deleted discord, or got rid of my phone, or just stopped using the Internet, i would basically just cease to exist and nobody would ever hear from me again.

I wish i could stop existing. Im scared of death, but I'm tired of existing. I don't want to exist. I just want to sleep forever. Those brief minutes of calm serenity when you're laying in bed halfway away from falling asleep? I wish that could be existence forever. Just laying down, semi conscious, in pure darkness. No people, no nothing. just drifting around with my thoughts for eternity.

I don't know if it's lucky or unlucky that i don't own any guns, because i can guarantee you if i did own one, i wouldn't be able to resist using it to paint my walls red and ctb.

I feel what you mean man...

Listen for nights like those what I do to distract myself as much as possible is either I keep my TV on but low sound or youtube on my phone on low sound, it helps distracts me a bit

Or try to talk with yourself about things that happened that day, even small things like idk, what happened on an anime that you've watched

I also recommend sleeping supplements like Melatonin or similar ones

It's hard... I wish you the best of luck
If this is available in your country I recommend it Advancis Passival it's all natural, over the counter and not super expensive it also has melatonin in it

I hope I helped a bit