“Nice” guys

[Deleted member 19654]

I hate this whole nice guy attitude/mentality.

A little backstory: I was friends with this guy and from the very beginning I made it clear that I wasn't interested in dating anyone and I haven't in a while. He told me he understood and we were just friends. He was someone I could talk to and who I thought understood me. One time we were hanging out together and I was upset because of some stuff going on in my life. I opened up about some of my problems only for him to suddenly tell me I'm beautiful and to try and fucking kiss me. Turns out he was only really interested in trying to get with me the entire time.

After I reject him, he goes on to complain about how he's been such a good friend to me this whole time and I repay him by turning him down. Just because he let me cry on his shoulder, it doesn't mean I need to pay him back by agreeing to a relationship/sex when I'm not attracted to him. Then he goes on the stereotypical spiel about how 'girls always ignore the nice guys and instead prefer the douchebags'. According to him, we were compatible and would have made a great couple to which I most certainly disagree. I ended our friendship and never spoke to him again. I felt so betrayed.

Fast forward to today. I receive a message asking me how I was and what I'm up to this weekend. I choose to ignore him and after a few hours he replies with all these nasty messages calling me all sorts of names. I'm annoyed all over again and now I'm in a stinking bad mood. I certainly dodged one hell of a bullet.

 

[almost_dead]

Bro , it's how life is ...What more do you expect ? Life is a pile of turd

 

[bravotess]

I certainly dodged one hell of a bullet.

Truer words have never been spoken.

 

[Øystein]

I have been in a similar situation, kind of? I don't really like people who go into meeting someone with the intentions to date them to begin with, it feels to me like they have no honest feelings. My partner did this but didn't tell me until after we've been together for a while, and I don't feel very comfortable with it, it just makes me think I've been softly manipulated until they got what they wanted. It's not based on true connection but rather a list of expectations in their head that you have to meet in order to be considered worthy of any attention.

 

[checkouttime]

After I reject him, he goes on to complain about how he's been such a good friend to me this whole time and I repay him by turning him down. Just because he let

so he was only being nice because he expected something in return? sounds like a great person!

then he starts sending abusive txts, hmmmmmmm good way of making someone realise what a mistake you made......NOT

 

[almost_dead]

I have been in a similar situation, kind of? I don't really like people who go into meeting someone with the intentions to date them to begin with, it feels to me like they have no honest feelings. My partner did this but didn't tell me until after we've been together for a while, and I don't feel very comfortable with it, it just makes me think I've been softly manipulated until they got what they wanted. It's not based on true connection but rather a list of expectations in their head that you have to meet in order to be considered worthy of any attention.

and here I am LOL . I just told a girl (an acquaintance)i never even talked to , I said to her that i like her LOL .That too via Email . Fuck me

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

people who call themselves nice are never nice.

and anyways, even if someone is nice to you, that doesn't mean you owe them anything. respect/kindness is the bare minimum.

 

[DyingAlf]

Sorry that happened to you. It's really horrible to be in that situation.
I can relate to this, very similar things have happened to me, but it's not just guys that do that!

 

[Ghost2211]

I wonder if that tactic ever works for guys.

 

[LittleJem]

Sorry this happened to you, it's horrible when it's someone you have trusted...

I have just stopped seeing such a 'friend' who I was 'friends' with during my marriage, then tried to ask me out when I had just separated from my hb, and I had such terrible depression I could barely walk down the street. After a break (and some very inappropriate messages from him, showing he had always the wrong end of the stick) and I did tell him I didn't see him like that, I started seeing him as a 'friend' again. Until he emailed me to suggest that my bf was breaking up with me because he was jealous of him!!!! Erm. I don't think I could be any more clear, and I don't want 'friends' who fancy me. I don't feel safe and I don't like it.

I have considered getting one of those celibacy rings (for real) as I have felt so unsafe around male 'friends' of late. I find it harder to be friends with women then with men maybe, but I don't want anyone in my life for this reason.

 

[Deleted member 19654]

I have been in a similar situation, kind of? I don't really like people who go into meeting someone with the intentions to date them to begin with, it feels to me like they have no honest feelings. My partner did this but didn't tell me until after we've been together for a while, and I don't feel very comfortable with it, it just makes me think I've been softly manipulated until they got what they wanted. It's not based on true connection but rather a list of expectations in their head that you have to meet in order to be considered worthy of any attention.

I've never really looked at it as being softly manipulated before and I don't think I'd be comfortable with it either.

This kinda reminds me of the movie 500 Days of Summer, don't know if you've ever seen it. The main character falls in love with the idea of someone and starts projecting those fantasies on the girl.

Sorry this happened to you, it's horrible when it's someone you have trusted...

I have just stopped seeing such a 'friend' who I was 'friends' with during my marriage, then tried to ask me out when I had just separated from my hb, and I had such terrible depression I could barely walk down the street. After a break (and some very inappropriate messages from him, showing he had always the wrong end of the stick) and I did tell him I didn't see him like that, I started seeing him as a 'friend' again. Until he emailed me to suggest that my bf was breaking up with me because he was jealous of him!!!! Erm. I don't think I could be any more clear, and I don't want 'friends' who fancy me. I don't feel safe and I don't like it.

I have considered getting one of those celibacy rings (for real) as I have felt so unsafe around male 'friends' of late. I find it harder to be friends with women then with men maybe, but I don't want anyone in my life for this reason.

It's like they can't stop thinking with their dick to the point where they can't see that the other person is not in a place where they can be romantically/sexually involved with someone or even the fact that those feelings may not be reciprocated. Or maybe they just choose to ignore because it only matters what they want. And to be honest, if they act like that then they're not really a friend at all.

 

[Øystein]

This kinda reminds me of the movie 500 Days of Summer, don't know if you've ever seen it. The main character falls in love with the idea of someone and starts projecting those fantasies on the girl.

Never seen the film. Honestly I have a hard time concentrating for that long so I don't watch stuff often, but I'll bookmark it for sure, because it sounds interesting. Yeah, I can totally see them projecting fantasy ideals onto me and it creates conflicts very often, but at this point I just put up with it, because that's so much easier than quitting. I mean, it's obvious that I'll die at some point anyway, so it doesn't matter.

(sorry for hijacking the thread a bit)

 

[TheQ22]

@almost_dead " Bro , it's how life is ...What more do you expect ? Life is a pile of turd "

Dude, I haven't laughd so hard in ages. Short, sweet, and brutally truthful.

Love it.

 

[sourpink]

yikes. I think a lot of us have been there when it comes to men. over the past 2 years I've been dodging any contact with an absolute coconut of a man after a lot of manipulative bs happened. the last straw for me was when I attempted to set in place firmer boundaries.. and of course he threw a tantrum. that was when I noped out, blocked him on every platform and explained the situation to a mutual friend, who still keeps contact with him. I wish him well, and nothing but. however I wish him well from a safe distance.

basically, @Maxtothemax , don't go back. don't even look back. people like that aren't safe. I'm glad you dodged that bullet.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

He didn't accept your No from the start. He reinterpreted it to Maybe Later.

I could go into a long spiel, recommended books and personal examples but I like @hollow bones's TL;DR version: Not safe, bullet dodged. He will never hear what you actually say, you will never become who he wants you to be or imagines you are. There's always the potential you'd end up in an ER and/or have the police involved. Hooray for permanent no contact.

 

[Busdriver]

Thank god for the friend zone!! Right?
All nice, wimpy guys should burn there!! Right?

 

[whywere]

Yes you did dodge a bullet. But with that said, I hope you do not judge everyone like that please. I am a guy and I have never treated anyone poorly, like that. "head games" are NOT nice and they do not produce life long friends. I truly feel for you, I have had ladies and male friends, or who I thought were friends, do the same crap to me. It did make me more cautious when someone wanted to be friends, but after awhile, I can to the conclusion that some people are just jerks BUT they were not going to limit me making friends and seeing how lovely this earth is. I wish you all the peace and love in the world and hope you have/get lots of friends. Heck I am a sanctioned suicide family member, and I consider you a great friend! P.S. I am 100% alone and I consider sanctioned suicide my family.

 

[Deleted member 19654]

Yes you did dodge a bullet. But with that said, I hope you do not judge everyone like that please. I am a guy and I have never treated anyone poorly, like that. "head games" are NOT nice and they do not produce life long friends. I truly feel for you, I have had ladies and male friends, or who I thought were friends, do the same crap to me. It did make me more cautious when someone wanted to be friends, but after awhile, I can to the conclusion that some people are just jerks BUT they were not going to limit me making friends and seeing how lovely this earth is. I wish you all the peace and love in the world and hope you have/get lots of friends. Heck I am a sanctioned suicide family member, and I consider you a great friend! P.S. I am 100% alone and I consider sanctioned suicide my family.

I don't judge every guy I meet like that but I do keep my guard up just in case. If they show signs that they're interested and refuse to accept that I'm not, then I won't tolerate that. I'm definitely a little more cautious but if they can accept that we will never be more than friends and respect that without complaining about being friend zoned then I'm okay with it.

 

[RedDEE]

Personally, as a male lesbian, I love nice guys. But I'm a slut.

 

[Deleted member 19654]

Personally, as a male lesbian, I love nice guys. But I'm a slut.

Forgive my ignorance but what do you mean by male lesbian?

 

[RedDEE]

Forgive my ignorance but what do you mean by male lesbian?

You know. Like, I have a ganglion where my penis should be, and I have a vagina where my butthole is supposed to be.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Thank god for the friend zone!! Right?
All nice, wimpy guys should burn there!! Right?

But...he didn't have to stay in the zone. As soon as she made it clear she wasn't interested, he could have left the friend zone and disengaged from her, rather than trying to find a different way into the zone he wanted.

I'm genuinely disheartened that many guys interpret the offer of female friendship this way, like there are zones that lead closer or further to access to our combined hearts and vaginas. If we cut the guy off completely, we're horrible. If we offer platonic friendship, we're banishing him to a torturous zone. Males do it to females as well, and plenty of females maintain the offered friendship in hope it will develop into something further. So it's not just a nice guy thing. It's a matter of not accepting the other person's No, and not wanting that to which they said Yes, instead trying to manipulate that zone of Yes to get closer and get a Yes to the zone they really want access to.

We are our boundaries. They determine how we are separate from one another, and what is okay to come in. Our skin is a basic example. A fence with a gate is another, which encloses zones like the front yard, the house, and further in rooms that determine what is shared and what is more intimate and therefore restricted. If someone doesn't love and respect our boundaries, then they don't love and respect us, they don't see us as we are, nor accept us as we say we are. That's frustrating, even crazy-making. If someone wants in a zone we don't give access to, and keeps trying to find a way in, they're battling against a boundary, whether overtly or covertly. Battling is the act of an enemy, and reinforces the choice to have set that boundary.

Regardless of gender, no means no, and not having it heard, accepted and respected is frustrating, because that means there's a battle in progress, a battle over a boundary. I've been on both sides of this, and I had to learn the painful way that someone has the right to exclude me from their life when I don't accept their No and try to get them to change it. Now I really respect them for that exclusion, even though it hurt at the time, because I value boundaries so much, and I value self-protection and the self-determining right to choose.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Really sorry you had to deal with someone like that. As people said already, "nice guys" are almost never actually nice. I've friend zoned a few women who I didn't feel were right for me. It felt bad rejecting them when I've been rejected myself but I just assume that it wouldn't have worked out between us. I bet some of them have harbored ill will towards me as a result and they're probably right to because I'm a genuine scumbag.

I don't know. My thoughts on this like most issues are complicated. I sympathize with the scorned men and women who felt like assholes were picked over them but on the other hand I understand nobody owes each other anything especially not a relationship. Niceness alone should honestly never be enough to form a relationship. You have to consider all kinds of factors like how they live, how they act around you vs other people, how much they can financially support you and themselves, or how much you can stand to look at and be attracted to them. Some of these factors are superficial but they're still important and to ignore them is just leaving room for discontent later on in the relationship.

 

[CarbonMonoxide]

I wonder if that tactic ever works for guys.

It doesn't. I'm a guy who was perceptive enough to discover this at a young age. I'm not a douche bag but I'm also not a weasel. I always declare my true intentions at the beginning because this has always worked for me. If she's not interested, life goes on.

 

[ZardozOmega]

You know. Like, I have a ganglion where my penis should be, and I have a vagina where my butthole is supposed to be.

I still don't understand lol

 

[RedDEE]

I still don't understand lol

YOU KNOW! I'm a male lesbian. I don't pee from my penis, I get somebody else to do it for me.

 

[ZardozOmega]

YOU KNOW! I'm a male lesbian. I don't pee from my penis, I get somebody else to do it for me.

Now you're just messing with me

 

[CarbonMonoxide]

If we cut the guy off completely, we're horrible. If we offer platonic friendship, we're banishing him to a torturous zone. Males do it to females as well, and plenty of females maintain the offered friendship in hope it will develop into something further. So it's not just a nice guy thing.

This describes my reasoning to a T. I have been rejected in the past but I've also had to reject women I wasn't interested in. It's just a part of life, that's how I took it. A few of these women ended up as my friends but most just faded away. I also don't understand why they're called nice guys. How can a manipulative sex fiend be nice? I think the real nice guys are the honest ones who accept the answer like adults, be it yes or no.

 

[Deleted member 19654]

Really sorry you had to deal with someone like that. As people said already, "nice guys" are almost never actually nice. I've friend zoned a few women who I didn't feel were right for me. It felt bad rejecting them when I've been rejected myself but I just assume that it wouldn't have worked out between us. I bet some of them have harbored ill will towards me as a result and they're probably right to because I'm a genuine scumbag.

I don't know. My thoughts on this like most issues are complicated. I sympathize with the scorned men and women who felt like assholes were picked over them but on the other hand I understand nobody owes each other anything especially not a relationship. Niceness alone should honestly never be enough to form a relationship. You have to consider all kinds of factors like how they live, how they act around you vs other people, how much they can financially support you and themselves, or how much you can stand to look at and be attracted to them. Some of these factors are superficial but they're still important and to ignore them is just leaving room for discontent later on in the relationship.

Yes, it's like a lot of people don't take into consideration other factors that make two people compatible. In terms of finding a potential partner, simply being nice isn't enough. Maybe we've all just been fed too much bullshit from novels/romcoms etc that it's warped people's perception on what love is like in reality.

 

[Busdriver]

But...he didn't have to stay in the zone. As soon as she made it clear she wasn't interested, he could have left the friend zone and disengaged from her, rather than trying to find a different way into the zone he wanted.

I'm genuinely disheartened that many guys interpret the offer of female friendship this way, like there are zones that lead closer or further to access to our combined hearts and vaginas. If we cut the guy off completely, we're horrible. If we offer platonic friendship, we're banishing him to a torturous zone. Males do it to females as well, and plenty of females maintain the offered friendship in hope it will develop into something further. So it's not just a nice guy thing. It's a matter of not accepting the other person's No, and not wanting that to which they said Yes, instead trying to manipulate that zone of Yes to get closer and get a Yes to the zone they really want access to.

We are our boundaries. They determine how we are separate from one another, and what is okay to come in. Our skin is a basic example. A fence with a gate is another, which encloses zones like the front yard, the house, and further in rooms that determine what is shared and what is more intimate and therefore restricted. If someone doesn't love and respect our boundaries, then they don't love and respect us, they don't see us as we are, nor accept us as we say we are. That's frustrating, even crazy-making. If someone wants in a zone we don't give access to, and keeps trying to find a way in, they're battling against a boundary, whether overtly or covertly. Battling is the act of an enemy, and reinforces the choice to have set that boundary.

Regardless of gender, no means no, and not having it heard, accepted and respected is frustrating, because that means there's a battle in progress, a battle over a boundary. I've been on both sides of this, and I had to learn the painful way that someone has the right to exclude me from their life when I don't accept their No and try to get them to change it. Now I really respect them for that exclusion, even though it hurt at the time, because I value boundaries so much, and I value self-protection and the self-determining right to choose.

He should have disengaged, but he didn't. Then she should have disengaged.
She didn't, because she liked his attention (up to a point).


Males friendzone females too indeed, but the other way around happens a lot more.

Woman wouldn't like it either if they would be perceived as 'wimpy', 'not real woman', or whatever and having a hard time finding even one guy interested in them.

Woman are in charge of the dating game as they have the pussy.
They don't see it that way, because they think they are only being valued by man for being beautiful and looking slutty, which makes women insecure. I get that and it is brutal, yet they are in charge of the dating game. Women can always find a guy while guys have to work their ass off and could still get nothing.

Women thinking: "not my problem. If you want to be with a woman, be more manly and confident".

Fuck the dating game.