Story Next month I’ll be ready, but I need help.

[AgentOrange]

Hey all,

I've lurked here for a long time, and I've been planning my CTB for a bit now. I just want to tell my story and hear some opinions on my method/process.

First off, I've (21 M) been depressed since I was 10. I was molested by my older sister, treated like a sand bag by my dad, and kicked out because of my sexuality. I got a full ride scholarship from Navy ROTC (which is part my reasons why). I am also married, but I'm pretty sure my husband is going to leave me soon. I'm not looking for sympathy or compassion or anything, but I feel like I just am so sad. The increasingly overwhelming feelings of hopelessness and pain cause so much distress in my life. I just want those feelings to be done. I also want to get some insight on my thoughts, process, and goals.

Goals:

1. I don't want my husband to find me.
2. I want to use a gun, due to effectiveness.
3. I want there to be little to no mess.
4. I want the cops to find my body.
5. I want to leave a note.
6. I don't want to leave any debt.

This is what I have so far. The way i want to accomplish each goal is as follows: 1) Going into the woods/park. I live in a city so there are plenty of parks I can walk to, or get an Uber to a park with woods. 2) I'm going to buy a 20 G shotgun. They are cheap and easy to use. I'm a sharpshooter so I'm sure I'll hit that medulla oblongata + the shotgun practically guarantees it. 3) I know shooting yourself in the brains with a shotgun doesn't exactly equate to clean, but I have some ideas to mitigate the mess. I want to use a bag or box of some sort so that the contents of the exit wound pours into it. I don't want the clean up to hard. To be a burden in my afterlife would be silly I feel lol. 4) I've read on other forums that you can auto send an email to the cops and they can come afterwards to find your body. I will also leave my ID near by so they know who it is. I'll also leave a note with instructions on what to do with me. 5) I want to leave a note for my husband and friends. I know it's impossible, but I want him to know that it isn't his fault. Everything that drove me to this isn't even my fault really, but it's my choice to end it. Any advice on writing would help. 6) lastly and most importantly, I cannot leave debt. I have $2000 of credit card debt, which based on my research, will be forgiven when I do and not passed onto my family or husband. I was the only one who signed the credit card. The only issue I have, is my debt for school. I won a full ride national scholarship from the US Navy doing ROTC. I'm going to an expensive school and the way the scholarship works is if I don't commission as an officer or fail to graduate, I need to pay it all back. However, I cannot find any information about what happens if I die or, specifically, if I CTB. Obviously I can't go to my advisors and ask either. If anyone can research and find anything for me I'd appreciate it. Honestly, this is the roadblock that I'm facing right now. Once I know the debt won't transfer to my husband or family, I'd probably buy that shotgun.

Obviously, this is a work in progress. If anyone has suggestions or questions please let me know! If you think the gun isn't the best idea, I write poetry, so something more poetic would be sick. No drugs though.

 

[maybeinurdreams]

Look I completely respect your decision, but if you HAVENT tried to get help then i really recommend it. I cannot help you with your problem on doing this act unless you have tried to get help. Look, just get some before you do it and maybe by the time the day comes you'll realize that this ISNT what you want to do. This is a big leap, especially if you havent tried to reach out to anyone. But no matter what, i wish you the best, make sure this is what you are sure you want to do if you havent tried any other resources.

 

[AgentOrange]

Thanks for the advice. Trust me… I've tired. When I was 10 and my parents found me strangling myself and they sent me to a Christian "therapist". He told me that the reason why I wanted to hurt myself was because I didn't love God enough. In my adult years, I've already received help from a therapist. 1) I couldn't afford it long term and 2) because of the Navy I cannot take any meds. So, it's pointless. I want to tell my husband, but I'm not sure how he'll react + I don't want to be more of a burden to my loved ones. I don't want them to worry about me.

Like I've said, I've been planning this for a while. Since about a year and a half ago and tbh I've been wanting to CTB for over a decade now. Originally the plan was to CTB next May once I graduate and my debt won't transfer to anyone. If I can find a way to not transfer the debt to my family, I want to expedite the process.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Hi. Sorry you're here. It sounds like you're in a terrible position, with estrangement from your parents because of something you had no choice over as well as studying in a field that prohibits you from getting mental health treatment.

I am also married, but I'm pretty sure my husband is going to leave me soon. I'm

What leads you to that conclusion?

Cursory research, probably nothing more than you did, didn't give me any clear answers as to what your husband may owe afterwards. If you saw school through, I imagine that wouldn't be anything to worry about, right?

 

[AgentOrange]

That's my guess, but I just don't want to wait that long. It sucks there's no clear paperwork that show it. I bet it's there somewhere hidden in legal jargon.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Well my main piece of advice to you is that you continue to work towards graduating. I advise you to do so because I know from ample experience no matter sure you are about CTB it is never a guarantee and you don't want to sabotage your life out of apathy and indifference.

I wish you were able to access treatment. Not that it sounds like it interests you very much but I know it's even worse being barred access to it in the first place.

I doubt you are perceived as a burden by your husband. He would probably prefer you remain alive. Do you think he is going to leave you because your emotional state?

 

[AgentOrange]

Well my main piece of advice to you is that you continue to work towards graduating. I advise you to do so because I know from ample experience no matter sure you are about CTB it is never a guarantee and you don't want to sabotage your life out of apathy and indifference.

I wish you were able to access treatment. Not that it sounds like it interests you very much but I know it's even worse being barred access to it in the first place.

I doubt you are perceived as a burden by your husband. He would probably prefer you remain alive. Do you think he is going to leave you because your emotional state?

I think he's going to leave me because of the actions I've made. I cheated on him which is just guilt that I don't think I can live with. He says he wants to stay with me, but all of his friends have told him to do otherwise. One of them even said that "cheaters deserve nothing more than death." Again, I know that what I did was wrong and I'm not trying to CTB to harm him or to prove a point. I just don't think I can live with myself in the first place, and especially after this. He was the only good thing I had.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I think he's going to leave me because of the actions I've made. I cheated on him which is just guilt that I don't think I can live with. He says he wants to stay with me, but all of his friends have told him to do otherwise. One of them even said that "cheaters deserve nothing more than death." Again, I know that what I did was wrong and I'm not trying to CTB to harm him or to prove a point. I just don't think I can live with myself in the first place, and especially after this. He was the only good thing I had.

Well I guess no one can really blamed for not wanting to remain with a cheating partner no matter the circumstances or how remorseful you are. But it by no means rises to the level of you deserving to die. I hope your husband to come to his own conclusions without being swayed by his friends. Just be careful about acting on assumptions on what you think he feels without having clarity.

 

[SolomonKado]

I'm sorry this is what your met with here. I'm sure you've already tried your very best and it sucks it didn't work. I wish you luck in whatever you choose to do to find your peace. I know you've being trying your best.

These threads are why I hate seeing other peoples posts…. You have obviously already tried so much to work this out already, but came to this conclusion instead. If you wanted advice to get better you'd be in "Recovery" threads. I don't want to minimize everything you've already tried. I know what it feels like to do everything in my power to get better and it's all failed me. Then you get these people making assumptions that you've done nothing.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Look I completely respect your decision, but if you HAVENT tried to get help then i really recommend it. I cannot help you with your problem on doing this act unless you have tried to get help. Look, just get some before you do it and maybe by the time the day comes you'll realize that this ISNT what you want to do. This is a big leap, especially if you havent tried to reach out to anyone. But no matter what, i wish you the best, make sure this is what you are sure you want to do if you havent tried any other resources.

Will you keep these kind of comments in the recovery section please

 

[maybeinurdreams]

Will you keep these kind of comments in the recovery section please

There is a recovery section? Wouldn't it be better to give advice before that? Sometimes they may not be totally sure what they want unless someones reminds them to consider it.. but okay, sure.

Thanks for the advice. Trust me… I've tired. When I was 10 and my parents found me strangling myself and they sent me to a Christian "therapist". He told me that the reason why I wanted to hurt myself was because I didn't love God enough. In my adult years, I've already received help from a therapist. 1) I couldn't afford it long term and 2) because of the Navy I cannot take any meds. So, it's pointless. I want to tell my husband, but I'm not sure how he'll react + I don't want to be more of a burden to my loved ones. I don't want them to worry about me.

Like I've said, I've been planning this for a while. Since about a year and a half ago and tbh I've been wanting to CTB for over a decade now. Originally the plan was to CTB next May once I graduate and my debt won't transfer to anyone. If I can find a way to not transfer the debt to my family, I want to expedite the process.

Ohh I understand, thank you for clearing that up. Sorry for all the suffering you went through, I just wanted to make sure you've considered it. Wish you the best though, seems like you've had a lot of hardships

 

[Myforevercharlie]

There is a recovery section? Wouldn't it be better to give advice before that? Sometimes they may not be totally sure what they want unless someones reminds them to consider it.. but okay, sure.

Ohh I understand, thank you for clearing that up. Sorry for all the suffering you went through, I just wanted to make sure you've considered it. Wish you the best though, seems like you've had a lot of hardships

They didn't ask for your advice. You do know you've signed up at a pro choice forum?

 

[AgentOrange]

ive got my hands on a shotgun soon. it is only $400. i should be getting it in two weeks. i am pretty sure im HIV positive now. ill get my test results soon but im sure i have it. if i get a positive result i might just go to a gun range asap. i wont live with that disease. depression is getting worse by the day now that the sun is going down at 530. my radiator broke and my apartment is like 50 degrees always and the fucking landlord still hasn't come to fix it. im failing two of my classes rn and I don't think ill get those grades up. it's all so fucking pointless. i can't sleep rn because whenever i close my eyes i can't stop thinking about when i get my shotgun. i don't want to die but i can't keep living like this. some symptoms for hiv is permanent headache and low grade fever. also you lose your taste. i can't even taste my food rn. god i can't wait until my head stops hurting