Venting new year's feelings

[zomboy]

last night my fiance and i had a small new year's celebration (his idea). i ended up drinking a lot more than he did and started talking about how i want to die, stupidly. but he didn't say shit to me. just let me rant and moved on right afterwards.

i wonder if he even cares. if i went ahead and did it, would it really affect him that bad? that's a big reason i haven't done it. I'm always thinking of how maybe everything will work out, and we'll have a happy life together. most of all i don't want to hurt him by ending my life. i love him so much. but increasingly I don't feel loved. so I think everything would be okay. I think he'd be happy without me, probably much happier without me.

it's kind of relieving to think that, honestly. but then there's the part of me that still selfishly wants to be cared about. it doesn't make any sense. it's a relief to not be cared about but it also makes me feel so, so empty. and as much as i hate to admit it i crave to have that void filled. I wish i could just make up my mind already on if I want to die or not. if I want to be saved or not.

and as much as i hate the term i guess I've been putting out a lot of cries for help. but no one answers. so now I'm starting to give up. maybe no one is helping me because it's hopeless. and if it's hopeless, what reason do I have to stay here?

when i look at the big picture the answer seems so clear to me. nothing is going to get better for someone like me.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

1st January is the same shitty day as the days in 2019.

 

[Hopeindeath!]

Sometimes people don't respond because, they don't know what to say. It doesn't mean they don't care.

 

[TAW122]

I feel the same too when the New Years started. Without going into too much detail about all my woes, let's say that there has been some unsettling discoveries just a month ago and also had some bad interactions with someone that I held high regards for and have known for many years. It really sucks that it happened, and it may be a catalyst towards me CTB'ing later on this year. I am just getting things in order and also seeing how the coming month(s) will play out before going through with the decision to CTB.

 

[Alec]

last night my fiance and i had a small new year's celebration (his idea). i ended up drinking a lot more than he did and started talking about how i want to die, stupidly. but he didn't say shit to me. just let me rant and moved on right afterwards.

i wonder if he even cares. if i went ahead and did it, would it really affect him that bad? that's a big reason i haven't done it. I'm always thinking of how maybe everything will work out, and we'll have a happy life together. most of all i don't want to hurt him by ending my life. i love him so much. but increasingly I don't feel loved. so I think everything would be okay. I think he'd be happy without me, probably much happier without me.

it's kind of relieving to think that, honestly. but then there's the part of me that still selfishly wants to be cared about. it doesn't make any sense. it's a relief to not be cared about but it also makes me feel so, so empty. and as much as i hate to admit it i crave to have that void filled. I wish i could just make up my mind already on if I want to die or not. if I want to be saved or not.

and as much as i hate the term i guess I've been putting out a lot of cries for help. but no one answers. so now I'm starting to give up. maybe no one is helping me because it's hopeless. and if it's hopeless, what reason do I have to stay here?

when i look at the big picture the answer seems so clear to me. nothing is going to get better for someone like me.

I feel this way too. It's freeing to realize no one cares but at the same time I feel hurt and lonely and just in darkness.
My advice to you is this, stop guessing, it's most likely you won't guess anything right, if you want to know for sure, talk to him. Tell him how you feel, and how his attitude towards what you are going through has made you feel. Honestly I think it might be that he didn't know what to say, or maybe he was hurt and was a bit angry that you didn't realize he was hurt to hear you want to die. He is your fiancé after all, my guess is he loves you and wants a life with you because if not why would he be staying and be engaged to you? It looks like he wants a life with you and he loves you and he wants you both to be happy together, so of course hearing that you want to die would hurt his feelings. It's not as if to say he thinks you are being selfish, no! It's just that it might make him wander if there's anything wrong with him, if it's him who can't make you happy and give you a reason to live, maybe it makes him feel like he failed you. And if he loves you and wants to spend a life with you, it means you make him happy, so to find out that he doesn't make you happy in return or that you don't want to live even when you have him, it can make him feel worthless and useless. To feel like you are not able to bring the same happiness to a person you love and who brings you happiness is horrible . Maybe just talk and explain, and listen to him, maybe you'll realize he didn't say anything for some valid reason and it wasn't because he doesn't care, maybe he'll tell you just how much he cares, tell him you need to hear it.
I wish you guys the best, love you