new to the community, here’s an introduction to me

[jigsaw_falling]

hi, i guess this is just some information about why i'm here.

honestly, i feel guilty about the suicidal thoughts i feel and being mentally ill, because i had a really good childhood. no trauma there, or in primary or secondary school, apart from some very light bullying when i was 11. but of course, lockdown was the thing that fucked me up.

long story short, i put on some weight, that apparently wasn't even noticeable to others, and over the next year i got increasingly more insecure. at one point, i think when i was 16, i started to eat a lot less. and then, that very quickly went downhill and eventually spiralled into an eating disorder. a few months later, friends told the school, parents found out and i felt like i had no choice but to get better. but i felt like i was losing control, so the self harm started.

my terrible relationship with food and my body has followed my around since 15/16 and the self harm, since i was 17. i'm 18 now. it doesn't seem like that much time, and my suicidal ideation has been here for around a year, maybe less. but it's so intense, and it's all i think about.

like i said, for the longest parts of my life, life has been great. but the past 2 years have been hell. from my ed, other issues followed of course; body dysmorphia, social anxiety, depressive episodes, depersonalisation and derealisation from so much stress.

i should be making important decisions about my life, and university and all that, but all i can think about is how hard every day is, and how imagining a future for myself is harder every day.
the amount of hatred a disgust i feel towards myself is indescribable.

over the past 3 years, i've joined a lot of different mental health servers, mainly on discord, some pro recovery, some promoting anorexia and self harm. the pro recovery servers didn't help me, and pro ana servers honestly just made me hate myself more and got my accounts banned by discord several times.
so, i'm tired of it all, and i'm glad to have found a community such as this, where i can talk about how i honestly feel, and where others also do the same, and where neither "sides" shove their opinion down my throat.

anyway, this was long but oh well, and to the few people i've talked to already, thanks for being welcoming

 

[WhiteRabbit]

I'm sorry that you're struggling, but welcome to the site.

 

[jigsaw_falling]

thank u:)

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

Hey, there!

honestly, i feel guilty about the suicidal thoughts i feel and being mentally ill, because i had a really good childhood. no trauma there, or in primary or secondary school, apart from some very light bullying when i was 11. but of course, lockdown was the thing that fucked me up.

There's no reason to feel guilty, there is no set of requirements or forms you have to fill in to "justify" having a rough time. Lockdowns in particular have been pretty bloody rough for a lot of folks.

i should be making important decisions about my life, and university and all that, but all i can think about is how hard every day is, and how imagining a future for myself is harder every day.
the amount of hatred a disgust i feel towards myself is indescribable.

There is no "should" here, I think. We're brought up thinking that you go from point A, to B, to C, and that's just what you must do. "You're 18 now? Well, off to university you go, to study something and then work on that one thing for the rest of your days." That is not how things ought to work. If you're struggling with suicidal ideation, insecurity, EDs, anything, I'd say that taking care of those issues is infinitely more important than figuring out what uni you'll be going to. Uni will always be there, if it's something you want to do. But the most important thing is taking care of yourself physically and mentally.

over the past 3 years, i've joined a lot of different mental health servers, mainly on discord, some pro recovery, some promoting anorexia and self harm. the pro recovery servers didn't help me, and pro ana servers honestly just made me hate myself more and got my accounts banned by discord several times.
so, i'm tired of it all, and i'm glad to have found a community such as this, where i can talk about how i honestly feel, and where others also do the same, and where neither "sides" shove their opinion down my throat.

This is all perfectly fine. Just be mindful about the risk of falling into a feedback loop, where whatever you might be feeling or thinking is automatically repeated to you and reinforced. When you hear the same thing time and time again, it's difficult to see any other perspective.

In any case, welcome! I hope you have a lovely day.

 

[jigsaw_falling]

Hey, there!

There's no reason to feel guilty, there is no set of requirements or forms you have to fill in to "justify" having a rough time. Lockdowns in particular have been pretty bloody rough for a lot of folks.


There is no "should" here, I think. We're brought up thinking that you go from point A, to B, to C, and that's just what you must do. "You're 18 now? Well, off to university you go, to study something and then work on that one thing for the rest of your days." That is not how things ought to work. If you're struggling with suicidal ideation, insecurity, EDs, anything, I'd say that taking care of those issues is infinitely more important than figuring out what uni you'll be going to. Uni will always be there, if it's something you want to do. But the most important thing is taking care of yourself physically and mentally.

This is all perfectly fine. Just be mindful about the risk of falling into a feedback loop, where whatever you might be feeling or thinking is automatically repeated to you and reinforced. When you hear the same thing time and time again, it's difficult to see any other perspective.

In any case, welcome! I hope you have a lovely day.

sadly, focusing on my mental health is so hard when the rest of the world doesn't stop for you to wait for you to catch up. but still, i am trying.

thank you a lot for this message, i hope u have a great day too

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

sadly, focusing on my mental health is so hard when the rest of the world doesn't stop for you to wait for you to catch up. but still, i am trying.

That's the trick, though. Despite what we're told, there is no reason why we should follow the world's pace, or try to catch up with it. It seems weird and counter-intuitive at first, but all of these oughts/shoulds/have-tos that we're fed are arbitrary. The world might look at you funny for deciding to do things at your own pace and focus on what you feel is important, but at the end of the day, that's the world's problem to deal with.

 

[Regen]

Welcome!

You've been through a lot of crap in the last few years!

It always sounds incredibly crappy when someone says, wait and see, it will get better, you're still young. That's not always true! But with you, I really feel like you have a real chance at a good life.... Even if not immediately tomorrow and the day after tomorrow. But you know, the basis is right, that is, your parents' house and childhood. Puberty sucks, the whole brain is rebuilt, it's just hard to believe what even small shifts in body processes can do to you. And by no means am I saying that your problems are small and just puberty crap! But it's worth waiting it out.

I was in a clinic for a very long time as a teenager, from 16-19, and then at home for another year. So my whole life has been torn down. And you know what, nobody cared later! I simply started my studies a little later. I was so worried about it and in the end there was nothing.

My point is, take your time, don't rush, take care of your health. Afterwards you can still study.

 

[jigsaw_falling]

Welcome!

You've been through a lot of crap in the last few years!

It always sounds incredibly crappy when someone says, wait and see, it will get better, you're still young. That's not always true! But with you, I really feel like you have a real chance at a good life.... Even if not immediately tomorrow and the day after tomorrow. But you know, the basis is right, that is, your parents' house and childhood. Puberty sucks, the whole brain is rebuilt, it's just hard to believe what even small shifts in body processes can do to you. And by no means am I saying that your problems are small and just puberty crap! But it's worth waiting it out.

I was in a clinic for a very long time as a teenager, from 16-19, and then at home for another year. So my whole life has been torn down. And you know what, nobody cared later! I simply started my studies a little later. I was so worried about it and in the end there was nothing.

My point is, take your time, don't rush, take care of your health. Afterwards you can still study.

thank u, i do get stressed about the idea of not being up to speed with people my age, so yeah i definitely do need to remember that i can do all of that a bit later.

but i know that i'm very lucky that i do have s strong foundation for my life, and that most of it has been good, but i really just want out. i honestly don't think i am capable of choosing recovery, and i won't let others choose it for me. i feel like i cant function properly on a daily basis and that i'm turning into a bad person because of how anxious and ashamed and miserable i am, which leads me sometimes i lash out at others, and also just push people away.

i know i haven't done a lot of waiting it out, but the longer i wait, sadly the worse my life seems to get

Welcome!

You've been through a lot of crap in the last few years!

It always sounds incredibly crappy when someone says, wait and see, it will get better, you're still young. That's not always true! But with you, I really feel like you have a real chance at a good life.... Even if not immediately tomorrow and the day after tomorrow. But you know, the basis is right, that is, your parents' house and childhood. Puberty sucks, the whole brain is rebuilt, it's just hard to believe what even small shifts in body processes can do to you. And by no means am I saying that your problems are small and just puberty crap! But it's worth waiting it out.

I was in a clinic for a very long time as a teenager, from 16-19, and then at home for another year. So my whole life has been torn down. And you know what, nobody cared later! I simply started my studies a little later. I was so worried about it and in the end there was nothing.

My point is, take your time, don't rush, take care of your health. Afterwards you can still study.

also, i forgot to say thank u a lot for the advice though. i will try to take care, and thank u for being such a kind person

 

[Regen]

I can understand that. Sometimes the pain is just too great.

I really didn't want to talk your problems down or blame them on puberty. Some people just flash a better future in me when I read about them. And that was the case with you. But I understand if you are at a different point.

Also, the long lockdown was really an absolute complete disaster for all young people.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you've suffered a lot and it must be really tiring what you have to go through, but anyway I wish you the best of luck.

 

[jodes2]

Welcome I hope you find this place as inviting and warm as I did! Sorry you're suffering, I hope you find some relief here