Help New member

[AntiAll]

Hi.. I am (****).. I live in Iraq .. I am the older son for a certain family .. living the most happy and quiet life ..

Such a normal intro about myself right?
When I was 1 year old
Well my my mother got killed by my dad after He knew she was sleeping with other guy (killing for that reason is common in Iraq) ..It wasn't that affecting emotional event since I was 1 of course .. He married another woman who actually was kinder to me than my own fucking dad.. And she had two sons ..
now I am 5
I didn't have real friends and in fact I spend most of my time at home doing nothing..other than studying maybe..it was a cold childhood..I used to see kids playing outside.. socialize.. and making friends.. while I was my father forbidding me to do With all this only "because the outside world is cruel"... I mean, what is this trivial reason?? If it's tough, let me learn and don't make a fool of me when I go out into the world.. And that's exactly what happened.. I became a laughing stock when I went to high school.. I was bullied a lot, but at least I got some friendships after I learned myself how to talk to others and how to socialize
my two younger brothers ..didn't know I am from another mom and recognized me as their older and wiser brother that seek help and advice through him
Only my father and his new wife and their families knew about that event

I think when I became 6 .. I remember going with my father into a paternity testing .. they wanted to test my DNA to see if I am really his son or not..
It appeared that I'm not
Actually at that time it didn't have much psychological impact on me because i didn't know what was going on back then
But my dad knew..
He tried to kill me several times when I was in primary school .. But his wife preventing him (Oh man this woman is the best) until he sees my good school grades .. I appeared to be the student with the highest marks in all of my primary school .. He left me .. now he is not doing anything to me..

At 14
I began to question my beliefs that I was brought up with, and I began to search critically about religion and the beliefs that surround me and my community.. The issue of religion we have in Iraq is an important issue, and you may be killed if you do not follow the religion of your fathers and grandfathers.. After researching.. I became a nihilistic atheist.. I had no motivation for anything.. I lost the spiritual support I was receiving from the entity known as "God" and my life had no meaning. And it still is.. My father found out about my religion and tried to kill me , but this time with the consent of his wife.. No one wanted to stand by me, so I decided to hide my religious matter and tell them that I returned to the religion they raised me on and adhere to its teachings in front of them at least.. More trauma
At around 15
I began questioning my sexual orientation.. (questioning myself ofc cuz rather I would be killed).it appeared that I didn't like women. I just liked men
..I knew that cuz I fell in love of a friend of mine in the high school .. I felt so attracted to him but he was straigh..the relationship didn't go well .. more trauma

I fell in love again..this time it was many times stronger than the previous one..but unfortunately the person I loved was not gay either..he was straight and despicable..after he knew that I was gay, he did not cut off his relationship with me..but lied to me and gave me False hope, and he always intended to show me the prostitutes he had in order to try to destroy my psyche.. And he did that.. My relationship with him lasted for nearly two years, and it was the worst two years of my life. I hated love after this relationship, and I couldn't bear being gay.. I don't know if I would be able to get married or not.. More trauma

Now:
I am now a medical student .. I suffer from the highest study pressure in almost the world and I suffer from the effects of previous trauma .. My family began to distance themselves from me emotionally after my father's wife had cancer .. I do not really have close friends .. But the most important thing that distinguishes this period is schizophrenia, which I suffer from it.. lots and lots and lots of hallucinations.. in addition to the pressures of studying.. I really don't know what to do but these are the reasons that led me here.. and I'm sorry if I gossip or use bad English.. I'm not Native English or American Afterall .. I joined this forum yesterday after I tried to commit suicide nearly 6 times, but to no avail

thank you all for your attention and for the great idea of this forum.. but I have a single request.. I want to know the common abbreviations used by the users of this forum.. Cuz I tried reading alot of articles and I had struggled to understand it fully .. I recognized that CTB means suicide commiting .. but I want the rest of them with details since I am new here.. I would be happy if you help.. Thank you

 

[StaticCryBabye]

You've been through a lot of pain. My sincere apologies for everything you've endured. Welcome to SASU, where you'll find a supportive community. I wholeheartedly extend my welcome to you and hope that this website brings you solace during your time here.

Here's a link that provides information about all the methods known here: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/suicide-resource-compilation.3/

 

[The anhedonic one]

Hi, welcome to the forum. I'm so sorry you have been through so much suffering. Life is a cruel game to be sure.
I used to believe in Religion too, yet finally discovered that all religions are a man-made concept.
I also believe that this God character is either evil, powerless, or non-existent.
I also believe that romantic love only brings suffering in one form or another.
This world is a torture chamber, filled with stupid, selfish people who cause untold misery for others.
I'm sorry that this cruel world has brought you here.

 

[BloomingStrella]

I'm sorry you had to go through all that. I hope you find some comfort in this community, and welcome.

Some of the most common abbreviations on this site are: SN (sodium nitrite), N (nembutal), CTB (catch the bus, or commit suicide). Those are basically the ones I can tell you.

Other abbreviations are mostly names of sources (websites, or just places in general) where you can order or request materials to make your suicide easier. It's forbidden to share those kinds of details on the forum, though. If you want to know more, there's a lot of threads with details, such as the one StaticCrybaby posted.

 

[AntiAll]

You've been through a lot of pain. My sincere apologies for everything you've endured. Welcome to SASU, where you'll find a supportive community. I wholeheartedly extend my welcome to you and hope that this website brings you solace during your time here.

Here's a link that provides information about all the methods known here: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/suicide-resource-compilation.3/

Thank you.. I appreciate your supportive reply

I'm sorry you had to go through all that. I hope you find some comfort in this community, and welcome.

Some of the most common abbreviations on this site are: SN (sodium nitrite), N (nembutal), CTB (catch the bus, or commit suicide). Those are basically the ones I can tell you.

Other abbreviations are mostly names of sources (websites, or just places in general) where you can order or request materials to make your suicide easier. It's forbidden to share those kinds of details on the forum, though. If you want to know more, there's a lot of threads with details, such as the one StaticCrybaby posted.

You've helped me alot .. I see SN everywhere And don't understand it .. thank you

Hi, welcome to the forum. I'm so sorry you have been through so much suffering. Life is a cruel game to be sure.
I used to believe in Religion too, yet finally discovered that all religions are a man-made concept.
I also believe that this God character is either evil, powerless, or non-existent.
I also believe that romantic love only brings suffering in one form or another.
This world is a torture chamber, filled with stupid, selfish people who cause untold misery for others.
I'm sorry that this cruel world has brought you here.

Yeah .. religion is just a simple and primitive explanation to the world.. yet I find it sometimes necessary to live a healthy life.. haha healthy life .. what a joke

 

[angel31]

Life really fucked you up and I am so very sorry for that. You didnt deserve that… I really hope your life will turn around and you get a chance to get better… have you ever tried to get help?
(Btw your english is really good)
If you ever want to chat a bit, private message me, ill answer pretty fast…


Sending you hugs and love

 

[AntiAll]

Life really fucked you up and I am so very sorry for that. You didnt deserve that… I really hope your life will turn around and you get a chance to get better… have you ever tried to get help?
(Btw your english is really good)
If you ever want to chat a bit, private message me, ill answer pretty fast…


Sending you hugs and love

I really appreciate your awesome reply.. it really means very much to me that someone around there in the world is sympathizing with me..

Help here is limited.. accessing into a psychiatrist in Iraq is considered as a shame to the family (Although biologically I am not a part of this family)
You might be harassed and insulted just for visting a psychiatrist in here.. it is the most brutal community by far.. Gays,atheists, are killed while mental patients and women are treated brutally.. Children are filled with psychopathic ideas to hate everyone who doesn't believe what they are believing (Which is what their parents believe)
I hope no one of you would live in that type of society ..Thank you again for your listening

 

[angel31]

I really appreciate your awesome reply.. it really means very much to me that someone around there in the world is sympathizing with me..

Help here is limited.. accessing into a psychiatrist in Iraq is considered as a shame to the family (Although biologically I am not a part of this family)
You might be harassed and insulted just for visting a psychiatrist in here.. it is the most brutal community by far.. Gays,atheists, are killed while mental patients and women are treated brutally.. Children are filled with psychopathic ideas to hate everyone who doesn't believe what they are believing (Which is what their parents believe)
I hope no one of you would live in that type of society ..Thank you again for your listening

Fuck that really sounds like a hellhole… I am always so shocked at how terrible humans can be… I really hope you will feel better soon… and thank you for sharing all of this

 

[Logos]

Hey, that's an absolutely haunting life you have so far.
I connect to you, because that all has to be so isolating, full of betrayal, and more. I'm sorry.
As for help, I'm guessing you cannot just up and move out of there. That environment clearly has such so much potential for more and more damage. And as you've said, medical school is highly stressful, no doubt takes a lot of time out for studying, on top of trying to fight schizophrenia. Doubt you could up and quit med school either. But if you could, where would you want to move?

I'm also curious, what hobbies, and/or interests do you have? You didn't seem to mention any, and I do doubt med school is something you're interested in. I apologize if I'm wrong.

And if it somehow helps, it oddly makes me feel better that there seems to be no limit to how terrible anyone can act and become. Makes things feel less like anomalies. Makes goodness so much more grave.
I hope that the chance arises, that you can heal, and that you'll have the best days and life you can.

 

[AntiAll]

Hey, that's an absolutely haunting life you have so far.
I connect to you, because that all has to be so isolating, full of betrayal, and more. I'm sorry.
As for help, I'm guessing you cannot just up and move out of there. That environment clearly has such so much potential for more and more damage. And as you've said, medical school is highly stressful, no doubt takes a lot of time out for studying, on top of trying to fight schizophrenia. Doubt you could up and quit med school either. But if you could, where would you want to move?

I'm also curious, what hobbies, and/or interests do you have? You didn't seem to mention any, and I do doubt med school is something you're interested in. I apologize if I'm wrong.

And if it somehow helps, it oddly makes me feel better that there seems to be no limit to how terrible anyone can act and become. Makes things feel less like anomalies. Makes goodness so much more grave.
I hope that the chance arises, that you can heal, and that you'll have the best days and life you can.

I appreciate your kindness with me ..And I hope you find peace in life or death .. actually I heard that this place is filled with apathetic toxic monsters who doesn't care for others .. But I see only The most kind words that I haven't even Got from my family .. So thank you alot

As for your two Questions .. first of all I cannot move outta here or outta med school .. for many familial reasons but afterall if I could move "And I want to" I would go into Germany to study .. it has a great hospitality for the immigrants and I would recive all of my rights for free speech and my sexual orientation rights .. would go there studying physics "Cuz I love physics as hell"

Second of all my interests are a little bit weird ..I love studying math and science
Also I like Coding and programming..Chess playing is also great for me .. doesn't matter cuz I think I'll CTB soon .. No one here seems to care about me or my existence.. So actually fuck it let's die

 

[Logos]

I appreciate your kindness with me ..And I hope you find peace in life or death .. actually I heard that this place is filled with apathetic toxic monsters who doesn't care for others .. But I see only The most kind words that I haven't even Got from my family .. So thank you alot

As for your two Questions .. first of all I cannot move outta here or outta med school .. for many familial reasons but afterall if I could move "And I want to" I would go into Germany to study .. it has a great hospitality for the immigrants and I would recive all of my rights for free speech and my sexual orientation rights .. would go there studying physics "Cuz I love physics as hell"

Second of all my interests are a little bit weird ..I love studying math and science
Also I like Coding and programming..Chess playing is also great for me .. doesn't matter cuz I think I'll CTB soon .. No one here seems to care about me or my existence.. So actually fuck it let's die

You've found kindness here, I'm glad. Funnily enough I heard something along those lines about this place before checking it out. There's truly people here who want to help.
Goodnessssss meeeeee I forgot- do you have certain coping mechanisms not exactly tied to your hobbies and interests? Perhaps even maladaptive- I sure got a couple of those, things done out of stress then that'll make me stressed later. They can be good to think about and try and reduce so there's hopefully less stress

You're strong, y'know? Your past, your family- your current situation, it's crushing to me, I think that would just crush me.
What have you thought about doing instead of ctb? To get out of that environment, I mean. I may be naïve and ignorant and fucking stupid on how much you could or would do in that situation- This may be insulting and I don't mean it I'm sorry. I know there isn't any other way from what you see, hell even from where I'm standing, I don't know. I barely know shit. But do you think it would be worth it, waiting and searching for other ways to get out of there or to get help? Even if it's just a chance, even for a place just a bit better? I know my ever 'reaching for straws' attitude could be annoying but thinking if there's some other way is partly how I've grown to try and help

I could cry of joy if I heard you made it to Germany, or some other country, community. Becoming a happier, freer person. People here would love that for you, me included. It's pretty cool that you want to study physics. It's pretty cool that you even know you want to do that. I'm not even sure what I want to do.
I'm sorry the people you're surrounded with, constantly, don't even think the same.

You seem quite interested in interactive, and logical things like me too. I think they matter, those hobbies and interests, even to the last moments.
...You can probably sense that I don't want you to die. God I don't want you to suffer either I don't want either of these things.
It's a difficult topic for me
But it can't be my say. Maybe I should've had that ingrained by now but..

I wish the best for you, I wish the absolute best for you

 

[AntiAll]

You've found kindness here, I'm glad. Funnily enough I heard something along those lines about this place before checking it out. There's truly people here who want to help.
Goodnessssss meeeeee I forgot- do you have certain coping mechanisms not exactly tied to your hobbies and interests? Perhaps even maladaptive- I sure got a couple of those, things done out of stress then that'll make me stressed later. They can be good to think about and try and reduce so there's hopefully less stress

You're strong, y'know? Your past, your family- your current situation, it's crushing to me, I think that would just crush me.
What have you thought about doing instead of ctb? To get out of that environment, I mean. I may be naïve and ignorant and fucking stupid on how much you could or would do in that situation- This may be insulting and I don't mean it I'm sorry. I know there isn't any other way from what you see, hell even from where I'm standing, I don't know. I barely know shit. But do you think it would be worth it, waiting and searching for other ways to get out of there or to get help? Even if it's just a chance, even for a place just a bit better? I know my ever 'reaching for straws' attitude could be annoying but thinking if there's some other way is partly how I've grown to try and help

I could cry of joy if I heard you made it to Germany, or some other country, community. Becoming a happier, freer person. People here would love that for you, me included. It's pretty cool that you want to study physics. It's pretty cool that you even know you want to do that. I'm not even sure what I want to do.
I'm sorry the people you're surrounded with, constantly, don't even think the same.

You seem quite interested in interactive, and logical things like me too. I think they matter, those hobbies and interests, even to the last moments.
...You can probably sense that I don't want you to die. God I don't want you to suffer either I don't want either of these things.
It's a difficult topic for me
But it can't be my say. Maybe I should've had that ingrained by now but..

I wish the best for you, I wish the absolute best for you

I even don't know what to say actually.. I am impressed by How Kind and white-hearted you are.. I also wish you the best in life.. try to share your Issues with us And we might find solutions together in this community..don't just compress them inside you until you explode..Hope You Live the life you wish to and deserve to .. thank you for your Kind words