Story New member here

[Wyldfyre4948]

I've been suffering from depression for 20+ years and have thought about ctb of and on for most of that. Last month my wife left me the day after I had to put my cat to sleep. She knows what goes on in my head because I've been very open with her about it. Pretty sure she isn't coming back and that leaves me in a horrible situation. I don't make enough to pay my bills and support myself, and I don't have a car to get groceries or other necessary items. So I feel like I'm a burden to everyone I know because I need to ask for rides to get around.

This year I've tried to hang myself several times but haven't been able to go through with it. I've considered trying a drop hang, but the rope I have may not work. It's a 3/8" x 15' double diamond braid nylon dock line with a max load of 550 lbs, and break strength of 2816 lbs. There's a fear that the rope will break and I'll fall to the ground. My other idea is to go to one of the local quarries and jump.

This world is just a really shitty place and run by the worst kind of people. It's almost impossible to get ahead legally and I'm so tired. All I've been doing this year is fighting and I've got nothing left in the tank. For the past month my anxiety has been through the roof, and I'm not really eating or sleeping anymore. I just want it to stop already. I miss my cat who was like a son for me. When I form a bond with someone it's impossible for me to break it so losing my cat after 15 years and my wife that I've been with for nearly 22 years has just left me with nothing.

 

[day]

Your story is compelling and I'm sorry you've had to suffer for so long. Hopefully you can find comfort to vent and use the resources found on here for your own good.

Sorry to hear about SI ruining your CTB that sounds dreadful. It's a shame people don't have a safe way to exit this meaningless existence.

Hope to see you around OP, best wishes.

 

[Unattainable666]

Welcome. I'm so sorry to hear about your cat. I have a cat who has liver cancer and I've had her for 14 years. She has been my constant companion and I love her more than any human being I"ve encountered. I understand how you feel. This is a great place to find others who are dealing with loss, depression and all the other shit of life. Hang in there.

 

[nomennescio]

Im sorry about your situation man. Thats really a lot to handle..
I can relate a lot to what you're saying, losing such precious bonds is devastating and it dazzles me every day how easy people seem to handle shit and move on stuff like that. People are shit man. I dont understand this world and never will.
I really feel for you.. i hope its just really your own feelings of being a burden and people are really willing to help you and dont make you feel that way.. But I get the feeling so much and not being able to sleep and eat and just an empty tank like you said, sometimes its just enough.. or too much rather

As to your method to ctb, why not go for something more "peaceful" and maybe easier, like co?

 

[aGoodDayToDie]

Your life does sound rough. I'm in a slightly better position but not by much.

I hope you find better ways to die. You deserve better. I wish we could all just find peace. Hanging is an awful way to go. And jumping from a quarry doesn't sound high enough to be reliable. You don't want to be lying at the bottom, a mangled mess, waiting to be rescued.

I'm probably going to have to end my relationship with my gf soon and move in with my dad. I have no job. No car. Very little money. Rely on everyone else for everything. My relationship with my gf is going badly. Living with her is misery most of the time. Instead I'm facing being alone with my dad. He's elderly and not doing well. I don't have much going for me. I wish I could kill myself. But all I have is SN and its not the nicest way to go.

Why is life so hard? Why are we denied peaceful ways out? Fuck society. Fuck the cunts that make these draconian laws

 

[Wyldfyre4948]

Your life does sound rough. I'm in a slightly better position but not by much.

I hope you find better ways to die. You deserve better. I wish we could all just find peace. Hanging is an awful way to go. And jumping from a quarry doesn't sound high enough to be reliable. You don't want to be lying at the bottom, a mangled mess, waiting to be rescued.

I'm probably going to have to end my relationship with my gf soon and move in with my dad. I have no job. No car. Very little money. Rely on everyone else for everything. My relationship with my gf is going badly. Living with her is misery most of the time. Instead I'm facing being alone with my dad. He's elderly and not doing well. I don't have much going for me. I wish I could kill myself. But all I have is SN and its not the nicest way to go.

Why is life so hard? Why are we denied peaceful ways out? Fuck society. Fuck the cunts that make these draconian laws

One quarry is actually a couple hundred feet deep. So I think the drop would suffice. I know it's bad because I have a fear of heights and am considering it because I can't stop once I jump.

 

[aGoodDayToDie]

One quarry is actually a couple hundred feet deep. So I think the drop would suffice. I know it's bad because I have a fear of heights and am considering it because I can't stop once I jump.

They say it needs to be at least 100m, so 330 feet

 

[Wyldfyre4948]

It would be nice to have SA or SN, but I'm not sure how to do about that. In fact I just found out about them a couple days ago. Hanging has been my main method, but even that is difficult. People who say this is the easy way out don't know what they're talking about.

 

[FuneralCry]

That really does sound so awful what you've been through, I understand why you would feel so tired of it all, to me it certainly makes little sense when people refer to suicide as the "easy way", they just sound like ignorant non-suicidal people. It certainly should be easier for people to permanently escape from all the suffering and I hate how suicide is made so unnecessarily difficult in this dreadful world.