New here

[Aimless and Fearful]

Hey there,

New here and I just wanted to introduce myself.
I'm glad this place exists. Two years ago, I found sasu and read as much as I could, but didn't create an account.
Now that I'm having these urges to CTB again, I came back.

About me: 31, male and from Europe, married, one child, an okay job with a stable income.
Things some people would definitely not want to throw away, but I feel like I've done so much harm and the only way to atone for this is to end it all.

In the past, I always thought I would be a great, caring and respectful partner, but something changed and now I think I'm a monster.
It ranges from shouting and destroying objects to straight up physical violence. The worst thing I did was to bite my wife in the face and my kid in the arm. Shortly afterwards, I found this site, but didn't find the courage to do what I've fantasized about for about 15 years now.
These are some of the reasons I want to CTB, as the potential to do more damage keeps growing with time.
I've been in therapy for about two years now, which retrospectively I should have done a whole lot sooner, but I haven't been honest to myself and didn't think it was necessary.
Yesterday I made my first attempt (if we can even call it that). I won't go into much detail or write what I tried to do, so long story short: I was afraid to go though with it (hence my name) and went back home, where my wife was waiting for me, even though we had a huge fight just hours before this.
If I were to choose a method, I'd go for guns (one click and it's over), but they're not easy to get where I'm from.
Thanks for reading this. I hope I find the courage before I harm anybody else.

 

[SchizoGymnast]

I admire that you're honest about this and see the harm that your behavior has inflicted on others. Maybe it would be better to pursue dissolution of marriage and leave the child in the custody of the mom, and pay child support.

 

[whywere]

WELCOME to SaSu, as it is so great having a new friend on here.

Wishing for you lots of love, caring thoughts and the knowledge that you are important to me, and I bet to so many others also.

Have a great rest of this week and again, WELCOME.

Walter

 

[Aimless and Fearful]

I admire that you're honest about this and see the harm that your behavior has inflicted on others. Maybe it would be better to pursue dissolution of marriage and leave the child in the custody of the mom, and pay child support.

Hey there and thank you for your reply.
We've talked about divorce several times and this would be the humane solution.
But thinking I would be away from them tears me apart.
It's a dilemma really: I want to be with my family, but if I stay, I might hurt them.
After posting this, I've spoken to my wife and she suggests that I should speak with my therapist and tell her since I haven't mentioned this in a long time.
I give up quickly and have never had to fight for anything in my life because I just got want I wanted, when I wanted it (except of course expensive stuff, I've never been rich and neither have my parents).
That said, I think about CTB only when I feel down, especially after fights with my wife. In good times, there are no negative feelings and I try to be funny all the time (which is also how I cope).
It's weird how my brain works like that. I quickly forget negative memories, but they all come back when I'm feeling down.