Hello everyone. I'll try and give a very short version of my story as it's way to long to give it properly. I'll go into more detail in other posts but I'm very cognitively impaired and it is too much to tackle in a single post for me.
I am 48 and have been suffering with chronic illness since I was 17. So many medications including antidepressants and benzos just destroyed me further. My spine is a wreck. My neck is hypnotic now and I am constantly dizzy and in pain. It feels like the blood to my head is dissrupted. I can barely think anymore. I feel lost in a fog. I can only sleep for a few hours and then wake up random body parts jerking by themselves. My jaw will clamp down from this and I've clipped my younger and lips so many times. My body brain connection is messed up. I can't move the way I'm trying to. My limbs don't move right. I can't tap my feet anymore as the movement chokes up. It feels bizare. I think the worst is the cognitive issues. I can't process information. I can't follow I simple tv show. I have no sense of time. Words can't adequately explain these things. All of the normal brain functions that allow you to hold info, process it, get emotions and ideas about it, and just let your thoughts function and flow are gone. Headaches and head pressure constantly. So much stress about how I can't care for my family and how this has impacted my relationship with my wife and children for so long. Things started gettiwillorse in around 2014 and have continued to worsen. God this is hard without including all the details. There is so much more.
I tried to ctb around a year and half ago by rolling up a cloth face mask and putting it around my neck with a wooden spoon stuck through. I tightened it as much as I could and tucked the spoon over my shoulder and layer on it to keep it secure. I went out but woke up. As I was coming out of it I had no idea what had even happened. I remember thinking I was waking up from a dream but I just couldn't regain my faculties. When I came to I had no idea how long I was out but it must not have been long. The spoon must have loosened and I tightened it up again and once more went out. This time I woke up with my arms slapping against my legs. I took it all off of me and cleared my throat. I was coughing out blood. All of this and the fear of brain damage kept me from trying a third time and I wound up going to the hospital. They gave me a CT scan of my throat and said I must have burst some capillaries but it wasn't damaged. They of course held me and I wound up in mental health facility for 14 days. Horrible place. Absolute no help there. I now can no longer purchase a firearm for the rest of my life. I really should have bought one instead of trying the way I did and this would be over. Despite my failure with the method I used I still feel it is the way I will be trying again. I can not bring myself to do full or partial hang in part from my neck pain and my neck surgery. I can't bring myself to jump. I can't use a firearm now. SN does not seem in any way pleasant or fast enough. I would take N in a heartbeat but I don't believe I will ever get my hands on any. The ability to just tighten a ligature and lay back seems to be thr easiest to me and I went out fast when I tried. I think I will be using ratchet ties now after reading about it in other posts. I'm very sad about it but I'm really at the end of it.
I know it's terrible and selfish to want to cry with a family but my life is torture. I can't keep feeling myself deteriorate and deal with all of the pain and other issues. If anyone could feel this they would understand. im worthless to them anyway. I know it will hurt them all regardless but it is beyond what i can stand anymore. I can get no help medically anymore but this is a huge story on its own. Ill just leave it at this for now.
Thanks for reading.
I am 48 and have been suffering with chronic illness since I was 17. So many medications including antidepressants and benzos just destroyed me further. My spine is a wreck. My neck is hypnotic now and I am constantly dizzy and in pain. It feels like the blood to my head is dissrupted. I can barely think anymore. I feel lost in a fog. I can only sleep for a few hours and then wake up random body parts jerking by themselves. My jaw will clamp down from this and I've clipped my younger and lips so many times. My body brain connection is messed up. I can't move the way I'm trying to. My limbs don't move right. I can't tap my feet anymore as the movement chokes up. It feels bizare. I think the worst is the cognitive issues. I can't process information. I can't follow I simple tv show. I have no sense of time. Words can't adequately explain these things. All of the normal brain functions that allow you to hold info, process it, get emotions and ideas about it, and just let your thoughts function and flow are gone. Headaches and head pressure constantly. So much stress about how I can't care for my family and how this has impacted my relationship with my wife and children for so long. Things started gettiwillorse in around 2014 and have continued to worsen. God this is hard without including all the details. There is so much more.
I tried to ctb around a year and half ago by rolling up a cloth face mask and putting it around my neck with a wooden spoon stuck through. I tightened it as much as I could and tucked the spoon over my shoulder and layer on it to keep it secure. I went out but woke up. As I was coming out of it I had no idea what had even happened. I remember thinking I was waking up from a dream but I just couldn't regain my faculties. When I came to I had no idea how long I was out but it must not have been long. The spoon must have loosened and I tightened it up again and once more went out. This time I woke up with my arms slapping against my legs. I took it all off of me and cleared my throat. I was coughing out blood. All of this and the fear of brain damage kept me from trying a third time and I wound up going to the hospital. They gave me a CT scan of my throat and said I must have burst some capillaries but it wasn't damaged. They of course held me and I wound up in mental health facility for 14 days. Horrible place. Absolute no help there. I now can no longer purchase a firearm for the rest of my life. I really should have bought one instead of trying the way I did and this would be over. Despite my failure with the method I used I still feel it is the way I will be trying again. I can not bring myself to do full or partial hang in part from my neck pain and my neck surgery. I can't bring myself to jump. I can't use a firearm now. SN does not seem in any way pleasant or fast enough. I would take N in a heartbeat but I don't believe I will ever get my hands on any. The ability to just tighten a ligature and lay back seems to be thr easiest to me and I went out fast when I tried. I think I will be using ratchet ties now after reading about it in other posts. I'm very sad about it but I'm really at the end of it.
I know it's terrible and selfish to want to cry with a family but my life is torture. I can't keep feeling myself deteriorate and deal with all of the pain and other issues. If anyone could feel this they would understand. im worthless to them anyway. I know it will hurt them all regardless but it is beyond what i can stand anymore. I can get no help medically anymore but this is a huge story on its own. Ill just leave it at this for now.
Thanks for reading.
