NSFW never brave enough.

[loslassen]

I don't know how to feel, these extreme imbalances and drastic emotional changes are driving me crazy. I will have days in which I will cry and suffer all day, write down very hurtful hateful and raw emotions and then attempt, then dissociate. I don't know how to cope so I vent or rant and mostly write, I don't do drugs or have access to alcohol atm, so sometimes my body will go hypersexual in a last resort attempt to find a physical distraction to all the conjoined mental and physical pain. my relationship is online so I've never even had actual sex, it's just emotional torture. Then I'll feel balanced out for a while, focus my mind on something else and go back to living pretending I don't feel or acknowledge everything that hurts me, I do other things, but when I'm all alone and people leave me, I start to overthink and it falls on me again, repeating,

i think I had a good couple of days, I finally managed to buy detergent and wash clothes so I don't feel so gross with myself anymore, but I'm still broke and haven't eaten well for months now. My dads out of town with his gf, my sister and my bf are away, no matter how good I felt just a while ago, I feel so alone right now. It hurts me knowing nothing really, truly changes, that everything that haunts me and hurts me is still there. mom's been distant, I don't know if I like or hate it, but I miss her anyway.


I'm really not trying to undermine the good things I've experienced and felt, or done, as small as some might be, but the negatives are just so overwhelming.

a couple days ago after having a mental breakdown I was on the floor of my closet tied to the hanger bar for almost an hour, crying and clenching and just trying to get myself to actually tie it, and try partial, but I couldn't do it, I don't know why, my ears were ringing a lot after being tied for a while.

i just can't manage to decide what I want, I want to feel good, I don't want to feel alone, I don't want to feel so lost, so used, responsibilities I shouldn't have weigh me so much, the pain is physical, has been, will it only matter enough until I actually bleed?

 

[restless.dreams]

I'm sorry that you are in pain, Juno. I hope you are able to find some relief <3

 

[loslassen]

I'm sorry that you are in pain, Juno. I hope you are able to find some relief <3

thank you <3

 

[Silent Raindrops]

Even though we are all here for one reason or another, we have those up days, and then we have the down days, it's a part of life.

Vent as you need to, we are all here for you.

 

[casual_existence]

Damn hope things can get better for you. Either a good death or a good life I wish you well.

 

[Mirrory Me]

Yes, I can feel that too while I'm too much alone, it just slowly criples me, in month or couple. It really sucks to go that cycle over and over because I don't have any close or personal relationships. I'm not sure what to do about it, though lucky I can sometimes visit my brother, who lives at another city- anyway, loneliness just takes away my energy and motivation, and clouds my mind with anxiety and paranoia. Even though I'm doing pretty good currently, I just don't feel like it.

 

[loslassen]

Yes, I can feel that too while I'm too much alone, it just slowly criples me, in month or couple. It really sucks to go that cycle over and over because I don't have any close or personal relationships. I'm not sure what to do about it, though lucky I can sometimes visit my brother, who lives at another city- anyway, loneliness just takes away my energy and motivation, and clouds my mind with anxiety and paranoia. Even though I'm doing pretty good currently, I just don't feel like it.

you get it yeah, it feels like that

Even though we are all here for one reason or another, we have those up days, and then we have the down days, it's a part of life.

Vent as you need to, we are all here for you.

of course and I'm perfectly aware, I like to believe life is a cycle of ups and downs, that it's balance is what let us know good and bad things exist in the first place, but this doesn't feel like it yk, tough times or good times, this just feels like constant uninterrupted suffering where sometimes I'm aware of it and feeling it, and to protect myself my brain dissociates and doesn't let me feel it.