NekoNomNom
There is no right to heal the wrong
- May 3, 2020
- 248
Hey there, friends. My name is Lizzi. I'll try to not drag this out, but we have a lot to cover. Here goes:
It started before I was even born, with my unstable parents aged 16 and 19. Apparently dad hit mom while she was pregnant with me, and there went the relationship, and rightfully so. That's probably the only time she actually did something good for me. My step mom got it worse, though. I wasn't even born yet when he went and got married. He beat the absolute hell out of my step mom while she was very pregnant with my brother. Despite being born premature, thankfully he turned out okay.
When I was 6, I got my first taste of my dad's brutality. He called all of us kids into the living room and proceeded to get into each of our faces and scream at us. He broke things and made threats. This was also the first instance I can remember of being too forgiving, and especially giving my dad the benefit of the doubt (prepare for this, a lot). After he was done, I remember sitting on his knee and asking him, "Dad, why did you do that?" And giving him a hug.
Fast forward roughly a few months to a year later. My mom starts acting strange. Her memory is getting fuzzy. She's going into coma like sleep states for days at a time. She can't function. She gets hospitalized, and the doctors can't figure out what's wrong with her. They find a mass about the size of a golf ball on her brain. When they go to do surgery to remove it, they found that it just shrank. Somehow. They wrongly deduced that she would be a vegetable for the rest of her life. She defied all expectations and odds. She to relearn how to speak, walk, drive. Everything. But she did it.
However, her recovery came at a cost. She was no longer the mom that I knew. She became emotionally impulsive and irrational. Emotionally, mentally, verbally, and sometimes physically abusive.
My grandparents took us in during her recovery, and it quickly became apparant just how she had changed. Around this time, my dad was convicted for molesting my 10 year old step sister. He only served 2 out of his 4 year sentence, while my step sister got sent away to a girl's school for about 3 years. I was obviously kept in the dark about this. When I had asked where my dad was, my mom would fly into an absolute rage at me, screaming at me that my dad is a child molester, and that he touched my step sister inappropriately. I didn't understand what was going on.
Eventually, my grandparents couldn't deal with her anymore. So when I was 10, they found a place for her to live with my sister and I, and sent us on our way. That was it for us. From then on, it was always, "What mood is mom going to be in today? What do I need to do to not upset her?" Even if I did do what I was supposed to be doing, it was never good enough. I could be doing the dishes and still get screamed at that I never did anything around the house. It wasn't too much later that she started reminding my sister and I that she wished she had aborted us. Come to find out, she did have an abortion before she became pregnant with me. I envy that sibling.
From a very young age, I was often told that I was mature for my age by just about everybody. Well. I got into drugs, alcohol, and sex at a very young age. Which prompted very inappropriate responses from my dad. When he found out that I had lost my virginity, he told me that he should "fuck me in the ass." Don't ask me why. I was too freaked out to know how to respond to that, being a very awkward 13 year old. I'd stupidly decide to keep giving him the benefit of the doubt. My dad was my rock, after all. He was the only thing between my mom and I, when he could be.
When I was 14, I got drunk with some friends, and they dropped me off at my dad's for the night. My dad, also drunk, then tried to rape me. Despite being drunk, I was able to put a stop to it. He realized what he was doing, and took me home. (I only lived down the street at the time, so it wasn't far.) I tucked that horrible memory away and didn't think about it again until years later. I don't know how or why, but I did.
A few years later, he begins dating a friend of mine who was the same age as me. I then knew that he was never going to change. That if I didn't do something, it was going to get worse than what almost happened. So I made the decision to cut him out of my life. It wasn't just myself that I had to protect at that point. It's been about 8 years now since I've seen or spoken to him. I've since found out that he's told people that he would think about me while he'd have sex with his girlfriend. And she was cool with it. He's also beaten her. Glad I dodged that bullet.
From 13 to 15, I had my share of shitty boyfriends, if you can even call them that. Controlling, jealous types. Something a dumb teenager would be into because she felt cool hanging out with older guys. Typical stuff. There are some things to note here: when I was 12, before I had even been sexually active, I asked my mom for birth control to help with painful periods. Upon hearing this, she literally spat on me, and called me a slut, whore, and everything else in the book. After I started having sex, I asked again, this time to obviously prevent pregnancy. I was met with the same response.
Lo and behold, I got pregnant at 15. During my pregnancy, my son's dad became more and more abusive in many ways. He refused to work, would put me down every chance he got, and would get violent with me. The worst of it was when he picked me up and threw me into a desk when I was 7 months pregnant. Thank goodness that my son is okay.
Two weeks after my son was born, he met some random girl on Myspace and she talked him into not taking responsibility in being a dad. The final straw was when he tried to kidnap my son after I told him that we were done. I filed a protective order and haven't looked back since. He's tried here and there to weasel his way back in. He even used my son's third birthday (PO had expired) as an excuse to try to get back together with me.
So 2011 rolls around. I meet this guy. We get together and he immediately throws up red flags, which I ignore because I'm an idiot. He skipped out on my high school graduation because he's a HUGE flake. He would flake out on everybody and everything. Constantly. So we do this whole dance for years. He would say some really horrible shit to me when he was upset, "You just had to go and get fucked and have a kid." "Well your kid isn't mine." Etc.
Eventually we break up, but we're going through this weird limbo where we're together, but not actually together. In the meantime, I start getting close with somebody else. Horrible, horrible idea, I know, but I never said I was smart. We eventually get together, but I'm still emotionally hung up on the ex. I mean, I had plans to marry this guy. So I had felt super guilty about moving on from the ex. I felt that I wasn't allowed to move on and be happy. Again. Ridiculous, I know. So I'm just torturing myself for a long time mentally and emotionally.
Rewind to this past November? December? I find out that my boyfriend had been paying cam girls for the last year. That I knew of, anyway. Now mind you, I take no issue with porn. But cam girls are a whole other thing when you're in a relationship. At least to me. I feel extremely betrayed, hurt, and cheated on. I confront him about it, and he just acts like he'd done nothing wrong. "It's just porn." He would say. Then, for the first time ever, he completely disregarded my feelings. He told me that I wasn't allowed to be upset over it, and that he'd leave if I had ever brought it up again. He'd NEVER done anything like that before. But please, don't let that ruin his character. He really is an amazing person who has been so good to me. I think he was just so used to me making a mess of things, that he didn't really know how to handle HIM being the one to fuck up. I don't know. Maybe I'm just making up excuses.
Well. I feel boxed in about it. I don't know what to do, or how to feel. So I did something so incredibly stupid, and went back to my ex. Boyfriend finds out, and we break up. Here I am. Pathetic and alone.
I really oversimplified a lot of things, because this has gone on too long now. But that's the long and short of it. I know a lot of these things are my fault. I won't ever deny that. So I hope you won't judge me too harshly. That's almost all of it. There are some things I've left out, because it's just repetitive at that point. But. That's it. That's my story.
Sorry that took so long. I really hope you guys won't look at me any differently for a lot of the dumb things I let happen. I'm pretty nervous about that.
It started before I was even born, with my unstable parents aged 16 and 19. Apparently dad hit mom while she was pregnant with me, and there went the relationship, and rightfully so. That's probably the only time she actually did something good for me. My step mom got it worse, though. I wasn't even born yet when he went and got married. He beat the absolute hell out of my step mom while she was very pregnant with my brother. Despite being born premature, thankfully he turned out okay.
When I was 6, I got my first taste of my dad's brutality. He called all of us kids into the living room and proceeded to get into each of our faces and scream at us. He broke things and made threats. This was also the first instance I can remember of being too forgiving, and especially giving my dad the benefit of the doubt (prepare for this, a lot). After he was done, I remember sitting on his knee and asking him, "Dad, why did you do that?" And giving him a hug.
Fast forward roughly a few months to a year later. My mom starts acting strange. Her memory is getting fuzzy. She's going into coma like sleep states for days at a time. She can't function. She gets hospitalized, and the doctors can't figure out what's wrong with her. They find a mass about the size of a golf ball on her brain. When they go to do surgery to remove it, they found that it just shrank. Somehow. They wrongly deduced that she would be a vegetable for the rest of her life. She defied all expectations and odds. She to relearn how to speak, walk, drive. Everything. But she did it.
However, her recovery came at a cost. She was no longer the mom that I knew. She became emotionally impulsive and irrational. Emotionally, mentally, verbally, and sometimes physically abusive.
My grandparents took us in during her recovery, and it quickly became apparant just how she had changed. Around this time, my dad was convicted for molesting my 10 year old step sister. He only served 2 out of his 4 year sentence, while my step sister got sent away to a girl's school for about 3 years. I was obviously kept in the dark about this. When I had asked where my dad was, my mom would fly into an absolute rage at me, screaming at me that my dad is a child molester, and that he touched my step sister inappropriately. I didn't understand what was going on.
Eventually, my grandparents couldn't deal with her anymore. So when I was 10, they found a place for her to live with my sister and I, and sent us on our way. That was it for us. From then on, it was always, "What mood is mom going to be in today? What do I need to do to not upset her?" Even if I did do what I was supposed to be doing, it was never good enough. I could be doing the dishes and still get screamed at that I never did anything around the house. It wasn't too much later that she started reminding my sister and I that she wished she had aborted us. Come to find out, she did have an abortion before she became pregnant with me. I envy that sibling.
From a very young age, I was often told that I was mature for my age by just about everybody. Well. I got into drugs, alcohol, and sex at a very young age. Which prompted very inappropriate responses from my dad. When he found out that I had lost my virginity, he told me that he should "fuck me in the ass." Don't ask me why. I was too freaked out to know how to respond to that, being a very awkward 13 year old. I'd stupidly decide to keep giving him the benefit of the doubt. My dad was my rock, after all. He was the only thing between my mom and I, when he could be.
When I was 14, I got drunk with some friends, and they dropped me off at my dad's for the night. My dad, also drunk, then tried to rape me. Despite being drunk, I was able to put a stop to it. He realized what he was doing, and took me home. (I only lived down the street at the time, so it wasn't far.) I tucked that horrible memory away and didn't think about it again until years later. I don't know how or why, but I did.
A few years later, he begins dating a friend of mine who was the same age as me. I then knew that he was never going to change. That if I didn't do something, it was going to get worse than what almost happened. So I made the decision to cut him out of my life. It wasn't just myself that I had to protect at that point. It's been about 8 years now since I've seen or spoken to him. I've since found out that he's told people that he would think about me while he'd have sex with his girlfriend. And she was cool with it. He's also beaten her. Glad I dodged that bullet.
From 13 to 15, I had my share of shitty boyfriends, if you can even call them that. Controlling, jealous types. Something a dumb teenager would be into because she felt cool hanging out with older guys. Typical stuff. There are some things to note here: when I was 12, before I had even been sexually active, I asked my mom for birth control to help with painful periods. Upon hearing this, she literally spat on me, and called me a slut, whore, and everything else in the book. After I started having sex, I asked again, this time to obviously prevent pregnancy. I was met with the same response.
Lo and behold, I got pregnant at 15. During my pregnancy, my son's dad became more and more abusive in many ways. He refused to work, would put me down every chance he got, and would get violent with me. The worst of it was when he picked me up and threw me into a desk when I was 7 months pregnant. Thank goodness that my son is okay.
Two weeks after my son was born, he met some random girl on Myspace and she talked him into not taking responsibility in being a dad. The final straw was when he tried to kidnap my son after I told him that we were done. I filed a protective order and haven't looked back since. He's tried here and there to weasel his way back in. He even used my son's third birthday (PO had expired) as an excuse to try to get back together with me.
So 2011 rolls around. I meet this guy. We get together and he immediately throws up red flags, which I ignore because I'm an idiot. He skipped out on my high school graduation because he's a HUGE flake. He would flake out on everybody and everything. Constantly. So we do this whole dance for years. He would say some really horrible shit to me when he was upset, "You just had to go and get fucked and have a kid." "Well your kid isn't mine." Etc.
Eventually we break up, but we're going through this weird limbo where we're together, but not actually together. In the meantime, I start getting close with somebody else. Horrible, horrible idea, I know, but I never said I was smart. We eventually get together, but I'm still emotionally hung up on the ex. I mean, I had plans to marry this guy. So I had felt super guilty about moving on from the ex. I felt that I wasn't allowed to move on and be happy. Again. Ridiculous, I know. So I'm just torturing myself for a long time mentally and emotionally.
Rewind to this past November? December? I find out that my boyfriend had been paying cam girls for the last year. That I knew of, anyway. Now mind you, I take no issue with porn. But cam girls are a whole other thing when you're in a relationship. At least to me. I feel extremely betrayed, hurt, and cheated on. I confront him about it, and he just acts like he'd done nothing wrong. "It's just porn." He would say. Then, for the first time ever, he completely disregarded my feelings. He told me that I wasn't allowed to be upset over it, and that he'd leave if I had ever brought it up again. He'd NEVER done anything like that before. But please, don't let that ruin his character. He really is an amazing person who has been so good to me. I think he was just so used to me making a mess of things, that he didn't really know how to handle HIM being the one to fuck up. I don't know. Maybe I'm just making up excuses.
Well. I feel boxed in about it. I don't know what to do, or how to feel. So I did something so incredibly stupid, and went back to my ex. Boyfriend finds out, and we break up. Here I am. Pathetic and alone.
I really oversimplified a lot of things, because this has gone on too long now. But that's the long and short of it. I know a lot of these things are my fault. I won't ever deny that. So I hope you won't judge me too harshly. That's almost all of it. There are some things I've left out, because it's just repetitive at that point. But. That's it. That's my story.
Sorry that took so long. I really hope you guys won't look at me any differently for a lot of the dumb things I let happen. I'm pretty nervous about that.
