link182
Member
- Jan 31, 2026
- 5
simplified a complex blog
The below blog along with all other writings i post should be taken literal unless i state otherwise in the blog itself. I consider my writings to be a sanctuary of truth or literal thinking I just wanted to be clear on that small fact.
I've been struggling with my thoughts lately, especially about evil. It feels like I'm stuck in a never-ending cycle, and I'm not sure if trying to explain myself makes any difference. My writings are often a chaotic mix of thoughts and feelings, dominated by anxiety and darkness.
I create horror movie music videos as a way to cope. They serve as a lifeline, pulling me back from the edge, but recently, it feels like it's not enough. These videos reflect the darkness inside me, like a mirror to my soul. They are a sign that I am more than considering Suicide. It usually means I'm planning it when I create them.
I often feel like I'm drowning, and the world is closing in on me. There are days when I just want to disappear, to fade away into nothingness. It's a strange mix of relief and terror. Relief because the pain might end, but terror because of the unknown beyond death. I'm scared that existence might continue somewhere else, making death pointless.
My family doesn't understand, and they never will. They try, but it's like they're speaking a different language. I need space to breathe and think without their constant worry and questions. Their presence feels like a weight around my neck. If I ever seek help, it won't be from them or anyone I know. This is a boundary I will never cross, and I'm prepared to end my relationship with my family if they try to invade my mind. This is an independence issue, not a trust issue. Besides feeling like a schizoid with zero interest in living with others I also can barley take care of myself living with others terrifies me after my mothers accident. I find it unfair to expect me to be put in that position when i do not want to be in it that type of pressure makes me wish i was dead, my current reality is of little interest to me.
I've been in mental wards and dealt with doctors and nurses who think they can fix me. But they don't see the truth behind my eyes. I tell them what they want to hear to get released, seeing it as a small victory and a reminder that I'm still in control. I decide my continued existence; nobody else. I'm open to both outcomes and won't rule anything out. The truth is, I'm too worn out to care right now. Living in hell with no privacy has spiked my anxiety to uncontrollable levels. I want to live alone, and I don't care if that offends others. The fact that I can't do this fuels a lot of my self-hate and self-harm, creating a cycle that can't be broken. I'm forced into hell, and I don't see it changing anytime soon. If that continues, it will be the final straw. I'm tired of being the one who constantly compromises. The inner schizoid freak is worn out and won't accept it much longer. Don't get me wrong the primary reason is the whole being a freak but the lack of independence is just something thats been fanning the flames and more and more each day.
I'm not sure what the future holds. Maybe I'll find a way to break this cycle and rise above the darkness. Or maybe, I'll give in to the pull of the abyss. It's a thought that lingers, a whisper in the back of my mind. A question without an answer, a path without a destination. Truth is I'm open to both outcomes
one of the more chilling music videos i made -
solitude invasion This how Villains Are Made
main index
The below blog along with all other writings i post should be taken literal unless i state otherwise in the blog itself. I consider my writings to be a sanctuary of truth or literal thinking I just wanted to be clear on that small fact.
I've been struggling with my thoughts lately, especially about evil. It feels like I'm stuck in a never-ending cycle, and I'm not sure if trying to explain myself makes any difference. My writings are often a chaotic mix of thoughts and feelings, dominated by anxiety and darkness.
I create horror movie music videos as a way to cope. They serve as a lifeline, pulling me back from the edge, but recently, it feels like it's not enough. These videos reflect the darkness inside me, like a mirror to my soul. They are a sign that I am more than considering Suicide. It usually means I'm planning it when I create them.
I often feel like I'm drowning, and the world is closing in on me. There are days when I just want to disappear, to fade away into nothingness. It's a strange mix of relief and terror. Relief because the pain might end, but terror because of the unknown beyond death. I'm scared that existence might continue somewhere else, making death pointless.
My family doesn't understand, and they never will. They try, but it's like they're speaking a different language. I need space to breathe and think without their constant worry and questions. Their presence feels like a weight around my neck. If I ever seek help, it won't be from them or anyone I know. This is a boundary I will never cross, and I'm prepared to end my relationship with my family if they try to invade my mind. This is an independence issue, not a trust issue. Besides feeling like a schizoid with zero interest in living with others I also can barley take care of myself living with others terrifies me after my mothers accident. I find it unfair to expect me to be put in that position when i do not want to be in it that type of pressure makes me wish i was dead, my current reality is of little interest to me.
I've been in mental wards and dealt with doctors and nurses who think they can fix me. But they don't see the truth behind my eyes. I tell them what they want to hear to get released, seeing it as a small victory and a reminder that I'm still in control. I decide my continued existence; nobody else. I'm open to both outcomes and won't rule anything out. The truth is, I'm too worn out to care right now. Living in hell with no privacy has spiked my anxiety to uncontrollable levels. I want to live alone, and I don't care if that offends others. The fact that I can't do this fuels a lot of my self-hate and self-harm, creating a cycle that can't be broken. I'm forced into hell, and I don't see it changing anytime soon. If that continues, it will be the final straw. I'm tired of being the one who constantly compromises. The inner schizoid freak is worn out and won't accept it much longer. Don't get me wrong the primary reason is the whole being a freak but the lack of independence is just something thats been fanning the flames and more and more each day.
I'm not sure what the future holds. Maybe I'll find a way to break this cycle and rise above the darkness. Or maybe, I'll give in to the pull of the abyss. It's a thought that lingers, a whisper in the back of my mind. A question without an answer, a path without a destination. Truth is I'm open to both outcomes
one of the more chilling music videos i made -
solitude invasion This how Villains Are Made
main index
