Need some support from people who understand psychosis/mania

[sleepyghost]

Hey, thanks. I see my therapist tomorrow and I still have no clue what to do but I will consider this game plan. The meds I quit in December were anti psychotics. There are many questions that can't really be answered. I will feel like a failure going back on meds. I've been so dedicated to not taking them. I will keep planning on how to discuss the recurrence of demons with my therapist tomorrow… I appreciate you.

I appreciate you! Don't ever feel bad about taking medication. If you were in a rowboat and wanted to move, you'd need an oar. The way I see it, medications are just tools we have available to us. Some medications can work as oars, others may be like using spoons to paddle, but they can get us closer to where we want to go. It's like a secret weapon we can use to level the playing field for ourselves. Sending love your way. Keep us updated!

 

[its-about-time]

Oh, I'm sorry to intrude. I had some thoughts and was trying to help. Hopefully your therapist session goes well. If you want to talk more later, I'll be here. : )

Don't worry, no intrusion, I just don't know much I'm very confused lol, my appointment went well I think but I didn't walk away with much sense of what to do unfortunately.

I think you've definitely made the correct decision to see your therapist. You have a lot of courage. I think you should continue to use it when speaking with them. You can only be helped if you're open and honest.

For what it's worth, I don't believe in the supernatural. If you were referring to demons in the metaphorical sense, I understand. Therapists/psychologists are the ones to help you exorcise them. If you feel like updating the forum after your appointment, I'd be interested to hear how it went.
Good luck!

Thank you. I have struggled long and hard with many odd experiences over the years but never supernatural stuff until my attempt in November. It's all relatively new to me and I don't know I believe in it either. But experience is hard to contend with. I just am very confused by all this. My appointment went well. I told her that we have a couple weeks before suicide is a real option so she's not doing anything right now thankfully. She advised me to try to tap into my wise mind more and see if I really want to die, because as it stands I am somewhat conflicted.

I appreciate you! Don't ever feel bad about taking medication. If you were in a rowboat and wanted to move, you'd need an oar. The way I see it, medications are just tools we have available to us. Some medications can work as oars, others may be like using spoons to paddle, but they can get us closer to where we want to go. It's like a secret weapon we can use to level the playing field for ourselves. Sending love your way. Keep us updated!

You make a good analogy. Thanks for that. I abandoned the idea that I have a mental illness months ago and feel compelled to not take meds to prove that I'm not sick. Taking meds again feels like a huge failure on a personal level. I don't judge anyone else for it, I'm actually pro-med, just not for myself anymore. But I talked over the possibility this is a mental health episode with my therapist and I'll think on it more.

 

[freelifexit]

Sorry about your situation.
According to my knowledge first thing you should do is to start taking your meds, especially antipsychotics/neuroleptics. Don't play with it, it's super serious. Without meds symptoms could go worse.

If it won't help next step is talking to the doctor, if you afraid going to hospital, visit private one who will keep your symptoms in secret.

 

[lyles]

Please reach out to your therapist here about what is going on. And my dms are open to talking about this too!! Whatever is happening, you should be considerate about your options.

 

[BigG91]

I like that idea I could try to find a way to tell her things without how far I've come in planning and preparing… I'm concerned she will see right through me, I'm generally very specific and she will be concerned by my vagueness but I'm not sure that's a good enough reason to break confidentiality so I may be safe

It just is so melded together, it might not even matter. If you're mind is manipulated, you might care, but what if your mind has been manipulated specifically to not care? Why act?

From my personal experience it doesn't matter if it's melded or manipulated .. if you're going through psychosis which is common in bipolar 1 disorder and schizophrenia ..you need to get hospitalised and medicated until you get back to normal ... Also don't feel so bad if you're hospitalised in the psych ward because I've been hospitalized i think 6 times and even been jailed ... In my opinion those places are the best for mentally ill people like me because after knowing my illness for 11 years know I've realised livin' a life of freedom while suffering from horrid mental illnesses is extremely horrible especially when you don't have money...

So what is your diagnosis and do you really want to ctb or no ?

 

[its-about-time]

From my personal experience it doesn't matter if it's melded or manipulated .. if you're going through psychosis which is common in bipolar 1 disorder and schizophrenia ..you need to get hospitalised and medicated until you get back to normal ... Also don't feel so bad if you're hospitalised in the psych ward because I've been hospitalized i think 6 times and even been jailed ... In my opinion those places are the best for mentally ill people like me because after knowing my illness for 11 years know I've realised livin' a life of freedom while suffering from horrid mental illnesses is extremely horrible especially when you don't have money...

So what is your diagnosis and do you really want to ctb or no ?

It's not about being scared of the hospital it's about fucking hating the way I'm treated there, I've been there many times as recently as November and December I'm not fucking going back there, I didn't want to ever go back there but they forced me involuntarily last time, so fuck them I don't want ANY of their help including meds and bullshit. I don't know what my diagnosis is anymore it's changed a million times I think it's either bipolar or schizoaffective these days but it doesn't matter. I generally want to ctb. Maybe I should stop giving a fuck about whether it's spirits or not and just take the opportunity to get the fuck out of this cycle.

 

[Cathy Ames]

Don't worry, no intrusion, I just don't know much I'm very confused lol, my appointment went well I think but I didn't walk away with much sense of what to do unfortunately.

Thank you. I have struggled long and hard with many odd experiences over the years but never supernatural stuff until my attempt in November. It's all relatively new to me and I don't know I believe in it either. But experience is hard to contend with. I just am very confused by all this. My appointment went well. I told her that we have a couple weeks before suicide is a real option so she's not doing anything right now thankfully. She advised me to try to tap into my wise mind more and see if I really want to die, because as it stands I am somewhat conflicted.

You make a good analogy. Thanks for that. I abandoned the idea that I have a mental illness months ago and feel compelled to not take meds to prove that I'm not sick. Taking meds again feels like a huge failure on a personal level. I don't judge anyone else for it, I'm actually pro-med, just not for myself anymore. But I talked over the possibility this is a mental health episode with my therapist and I'll think on it more.

I'm glad the appointment was overall positive, but sorry you didn't end up with a better sense of what to do. I bet that's frustrating. I feel I am similar to you in that I have one standard for others and a different one for myself.

 

[its-about-time]

I'm glad the appointment was overall positive, but sorry you didn't end up with a better sense of what to do. I bet that's frustrating. I feel I am similar to you in that I have one standard for others and a different one for myself.

Can relate. I think my attitude is, fuck it. Just gonna do whatever I want and if I wind up taking the SN then so be it. Now I have the hassle of diffusing the situation with my therapist but I can figure that out. Nothing really has consequences in the end. Death is hardly different from life. I can love life and kill myself in the same moment and it means fuck all to anything.

 

[LeavingEarly]

Things are kind of going in a weird direction and I could just use some input. It's a long story but I have reason to strongly suspect that my sudden commitment to ctb and everything that's happened since then (ordering SN, writing notes, etc) is result of demon influence. Long story. But it started back about a week ago and things are starting to certainly take a weird turn. The world has no meaning and I feel like a rain jacket where the water just rolls off. I saw reaper figures the other day and I knew they were there because I was going to die soon. But what or who is making me think this? It was a dramatic turn of plans. Everything feels amazing and exciting and I'm really not unhappy, just hell bent on ending my life, and that's okay with me… but only if it's me. If it's a recurrence of demons haunting me, then I need help and don't want to be their victim.

After my attempt in November I struggled with demon presences in my house and it was really scary. I thought I solved the issue. But it might be back. It's a long story. I stopped meds in December and it's possible it's just my brain playing tricks. I just don't know. I know I don't feel like myself. I don't know how to figure out what's happening. If I tell my therapist what I've done I'll likely go back to the hospital and I don't want that. If it's me who wants to die I won't tell her. If it's demons infiltrating my mind and trying to make me die then I have to tell her. What should I do?? It's all very confusing, I have a history of this kind of thing but I don't know that I even believe what the doctors have always said, like what would they know, they're just people. I'm in a pickle.

Demons are common with psychosis and mania. Usually when you come out of mania that train of thought goes away. If you want to get better I would talk honestly to the therapist.

 

[waitingforrest]

I am so sorry you have to go through this. I have episodes where I start to believe that something is out to kill me or others are plotting against me. It's hard to talk about because people usually just say that it isn't real or just say not to believe it. But, it feels so real to me.

Not to mention that most of the times I mention my hallucinations or delusions, the hospital uses it against me to make decisions for me because I am not competent. I hate it too how hospitals treat mental health patients.

It can be common to distrust mental health professionals during mania or psychosis. I am guilty of just flat out leaving appointments because I believe they are doing me harm or trying to poison me with pills.

I really think that it would be a good idea to tell your therapist. A therapist's job is not to judge. Dealing with psychosis alone is scary because it's hard to tell what's real or not and it can get worse without someone to help. You don't have to tell your therapist everything that might land you in a ward. It's often common to be prescribed meds, but there might be other ways to cope without meds.

But do remember, don't let them pressure you into treatments that you clearly said no to. It should be only your decision in the end on what you want to do.

 

[its-about-time]

I am so sorry you have to go through this. I have episodes where I start to believe that something is out to kill me or others are plotting against me. It's hard to talk about because people usually just say that it isn't real or just say not to believe it. But, it feels so real to me.

Not to mention that most of the times I mention my hallucinations or delusions, the hospital uses it against me to make decisions for me because I am not competent. I hate it too how hospitals treat mental health patients.

It can be common to distrust mental health professionals during mania or psychosis. I am guilty of just flat out leaving appointments because I believe they are doing me harm or trying to poison me with pills.

I really think that it would be a good idea to tell your therapist. A therapist's job is not to judge. Dealing with psychosis alone is scary because it's hard to tell what's real or not and it can get worse without someone to help. You don't have to tell your therapist everything that might land you in a ward. It's often common to be prescribed meds, but there might be other ways to cope without meds.

But do remember, don't let them pressure you into treatments that you clearly said no to. It should be only your decision in the end on what you want to do.

Thanks. I decided I'm done with meds a few months ago. Therapist brings it up every now and then including yesterday at the appointment but she knows damn well I don't want meds and respects it well enough. I see right through her. I like her but I see through her professional strategies. Like yeah, listen to me and be empathic and then innocently ask if this is a result of mental illness and not spirits. I get it, it's her job and of course she's gonna go there. It makes it feel pointless to talk about though. If she were to be like yeah dude you got a demon haunting on your hands, I'd be highly suspicious and think she's a bad therapist lol. She's playing the book and I just know all the tricks already. I see everything. But what are strategies but manipulation anyways. I don't think she needs to manipulate me to be an effective therapist and I don't think she thinks that either. I'm not really sure why I'm her client. I feel like a tv show she gets a new episode every week. No input needed. I forget she's a person a lot. I wonder what she thinks of me. I must not particularly care. I don't think she tries to do anything. She's a great listener and helps me figure out what I'm thinking. Maybe that's it. But no yeah meds are out of the question. I don't know how well that's going so far but I mean if this is real life then I'm gonna embrace it, that's funny to me because I'm planning on dying, I think I will love life in the same moment I kill myself, because it's all equally irrelevant.

 

[Cathy Ames]

I like her but I see through her professional strategies. Like yeah, listen to me and be empathic and then innocently ask if this is a result of mental illness and not spirits.

But YOU were also wondering this exact same thing, though, beforehand. I wish she could have given you some guidance on figuring it out.

 

[BigG91]

It's not about being scared of the hospital it's about fucking hating the way I'm treated there, I've been there many times as recently as November and December I'm not fucking going back there, I didn't want to ever go back there but they forced me involuntarily last time, so fuck them I don't want ANY of their help including meds and bullshit. I don't know what my diagnosis is anymore it's changed a million times I think it's either bipolar or schizoaffective these days but it doesn't matter. I generally want to ctb. Maybe I should stop giving a fuck about whether it's spirits or not and just take the opportunity to get the fuck out of this cycle.

Well i hope you get out of this cycle soon and continue to lead a normal life then you wouldn't need to ctb if you get back on track.

 

[its-about-time]

Well i hope you get out of this cycle soon and continue to lead a normal life then you wouldn't need to ctb if you get back on track.

My normal life ended when I was 19 and had my first real psychosis, it'd been a long time coming but never like that, that was a long time ago and it's only become more clear this is what life is like for me now, rollercoasters can be fun when you get over the sheer terror I guess, depends on what you're scared of, turns out I'm scared of a lot but after the fact it makes a damn good story, I don't have much of an emotional memory so I just recall the happenings not so much how it felt, maybe that's a blessing. If I wasn't so damn amused by my own suffering I don't think I'd have made it this far. Whoever's in charge plays good jokes depending on your humor.

But YOU were also wondering this exact same thing, though, beforehand. I wish she could have given you some guidance on figuring it out.

Well damn now I'm extra confused, I forgot about that, I feel like I made this post yesterday how much could've changed? It's been 4 days I guess but that's not too bad. I'm not sure malicious spirits are even on my mind. They're sneaky, and it would appear they're gonna get it, but if I don't care what does that matter? Do they want me to not care? Why would someone try to save their life if they don't care? It's an amazing scheme. Like wow what applications has that had in history. Hey, I'm gonna kill you, but you shouldn't fight back because if you think about it you actually want me to kill you. Imagine trying to convince a deer of that before you shot it lol. Or a mind control device that prevents you from noticing the gun. Just wow. I think I'd be a good subject for a book but I'm not sure what genre. I'd love an fMRI but it's not really accessible.

 

[BigG91]

My normal life ended when I was 19 and had my first real psychosis, it'd been a long time coming but never like that, that was a long time ago and it's only become more clear this is what life is like for me now, rollercoasters can be fun when you get over the sheer terror I guess, depends on what you're scared of, turns out I'm scared of a lot but after the fact it makes a damn good story, I don't have much of an emotional memory so I just recall the happenings not so much how it felt, maybe that's a blessing. If I wasn't so damn amused by my own suffering I don't think I'd have made it this far. Whoever's in charge plays good jokes depending on your humor.

Well damn now I'm extra confused, I forgot about that, I feel like I made this post yesterday how much could've changed? It's been 4 days I guess but that's not too bad. I'm not sure malicious spirits are even on my mind. They're sneaky, and it would appear they're gonna get it, but if I don't care what does that matter? Do they want me to not care? Why would someone try to save their life if they don't care? It's an amazing scheme. Like wow what applications has that had in history. Hey, I'm gonna kill you, but you shouldn't fight back because if you think about it you actually want me to kill you. Imagine trying to convince a deer of that before you shot it lol. Or a mind control device that prevents you from noticing the gun. Just wow. I think I'd be a good subject for a book but I'm not sure what genre. I'd love an fMRI but it's not really accessible.

Don't you feel normal in between the episodes of psychosis ?
When i stop my medications .. i start feeling really good in a week ...then i slowly go insane within a year ...

 

[its-about-time]

Don't you feel normal in between the episodes of psychosis ?
When i stop my medications .. i start feeling really good in a week ...then i slowly go insane within a year ...

I don't really remember, my therapist said though that I have times where I'm mostly symptom free, from psychosis, I have mood issues and having periods of no depression no mania/hypomania no psychosis all in one beautiful stability is not so common, I think I get there sometimes and it's pretty good, doesn't last more than a couple months though , I really struggle with basic things even when I'm doing that well, you know hygiene and stuff, that's always a problem… I started a sticker chart to try to do better, I'm brushing my teeth more which I'm proud of, I just love getting to put a sticker down, but I've still only showered 3 times since the start of this year, I mean it's stuff like that, my mood can be stable and great and that's when life really weighs on me, it's just so fleeting anyways.. I'm not sure working my ass off for 9 months a year to have 3 pleasant months that then implode dramatically into some episode, not sure that's quite worth it to me. Maybe I need a better attitude. But not caring is like a drug. I feel fucking great actually recently. Like, anything could happen, the worst could happen, and I'd probably fall over laughing at how amazing it all is. We're nothing.

 

[BigG91]

I don't really remember, my therapist said though that I have times where I'm mostly symptom free, from psychosis, I have mood issues and having periods of no depression no mania/hypomania no psychosis all in one beautiful stability is not so common, I think I get there sometimes and it's pretty good, doesn't last more than a couple months though , I really struggle with basic things even when I'm doing that well, you know hygiene and stuff, that's always a problem… I started a sticker chart to try to do better, I'm brushing my teeth more which I'm proud of, I just love getting to put a sticker down, but I've still only showered 3 times since the start of this year, I mean it's stuff like that, my mood can be stable and great and that's when life really weighs on me, it's just so fleeting anyways.. I'm not sure working my ass off for 9 months a year to have 3 pleasant months that then implode dramatically into some episode, not sure that's quite worth it to me. Maybe I need a better attitude. But not caring is like a drug. I feel fucking great actually recently. Like, anything could happen, the worst could happen, and I'd probably fall over laughing at how amazing it all is. We're nothing.

I don't know how old you are but your story is similar to mine ... If i were you i would just keep a ctb method handy when I'm in a good phase ... Because sometimes like me i wasted a wonderful opportunity to ctb thinking things will get better and they don't and now i don't have a suitable option to ctb mostly because i don't have the finances to secure the items required.

 

[its-about-time]

I don't know how old you are but your story is similar to mine ... If i were you i would just keep a ctb method handy when I'm in a good phase ... Because sometimes like me i wasted a wonderful opportunity to ctb thinking things will get better and they don't and now i don't have a suitable option to ctb mostly because i don't have the finances to secure the items required.

I already ordered SN it should be here before too long, I'm just relying on impulsivity to take it, I don't really care if it's really what I want, I imagine at some point I'll just do it without much thought. What better expression of the meaninglessness of life is there! Haha. I used to daydream about having a really amazing day and randomly finding a gun and just shooting myself right there without second thought. Really my good days are when I want to die most recently , I'm not particularly suicidal, or even at all, I have so much energy lately and I'm so social it's strange and at the end of a full day I just am giddy and would love to end it all right there.

 

[BigG91]

I already ordered SN it should be here before too long, I'm just relying on impulsivity to take it, I don't really care if it's really what I want, I imagine at some point I'll just do it without much thought. What better expression of the meaninglessness of life is there! Haha. I used to daydream about having a really amazing day and randomly finding a gun and just shooting myself right there without second thought. Really my good days are when I want to die most recently , I'm not particularly suicidal, or even at all, I have so much energy lately and I'm so social it's strange and at the end of a full day I just am giddy and would love to end it all right there.

Same here ... I just wanna go when i have the chance ... SN and NaCN are accessible for me so I'll just wait to get back on my feet by work for some months to get enough money to buy all these and go ALL in... I'll probably buy ingredients for H2S too as they seem to be cheap and readily available....

 

[its-about-time]

Same here ... I just wanna go when i have the chance ... SN and NaCN are accessible for me so I'll just wait to get back on my feet by work for some months to get enough money to buy all these and go ALL in... I'll probably buy ingredients for H2S too as they seem to be cheap and readily available....

What is NaCN and H2S? I was gonna do exit bag with nitrogen , I bought the stuff to make an exit bag and window shopped nitrogen and regulator, but then discovered SN and I have all the comfort meds already like anti emetics and benzos and sedatives and stuff so it seemed perfect, plus I live in a little trailer and can store SN easily out of sight whereas a nitrogen tank would've been harder to hide from people visiting me…

 

[BigG91]

What is NaCN and H2S? I was gonna do exit bag with nitrogen , I bought the stuff to make an exit bag and window shopped nitrogen and regulator, but then discovered SN and I have all the comfort meds already like anti emetics and benzos and sedatives and stuff so it seemed perfect, plus I live in a little trailer and can store SN easily out of sight whereas a nitrogen tank would've been harder to hide from people visiting me…

Sodium Cyanide and hydrogen sulphide ... I think SN and nitrogen gas are both peaceful ... I wish you all the best

 

[its-about-time]

Sodium Cyanide and hydrogen sulphide ... I think SN and nitrogen gas are both peaceful ... I wish you all the best

Ah gotcha thanks I'll have to read up on those, I swear I was like a kid in a candy shop when I discovered the PPH it led me to this site somehow, man that wasn't even 2 weeks ago, funny how things change. I always thought I was restricted to awful methods. Knowing that's not the case is just wonderful. I ordered SN the day I read about it. I haven't read all the PPH yet I've had too much energy to sit and focus like that but soon I'll finish it. Just a wonderful world we live in really. Thanks for the well wishes and for the conversation I appreciate you and everyone else who has responded and this whole site and hell sure I even appreciate myself, really once I decided ctb was attainable and imminent the world just became a beautiful place, everything is so fun and exciting now it's been pretty fun. Anyhow I wish you the best too with whatever happens with you I think you're a nice person and I always appreciate that.