Discussion Need ideas for overcoming Social Anxiety

[ScaredCutter]

At around 2023-2024, I was diagnoised w/ autism and social anxiety. Since then i've realised why i couldnt do many things like communicating to others, looking at others, couldnt be myself around others and some other things.

ive always wanted a way to just talk to others again, i speak very softly because i dont like my actual voice, i can look at people now but it feels awkward after some time but, i cant muster up talking to anyone. im unable to communicate fully with someone unless im used to them after a period of time (my teacher and boyfriend) or just anyone important (being called by professionals or my family). I tend to get really warm and i feel embarrassed unable to speak and sometimes will cry because of how hard it is, it feels like my throat prevents me from trying to speak even if my mouth opens, my heart may race and i just feel like a total loser.

My teacher has and is willing to help me with it but, it just feels like nonsense, i tried suggesting ideas and she agreed with them luckily but, ive made little to no progress.
- Saying hi to people - I walk by - hardly do it
- Waving to people - i wave so low, its unnoticeable
- Responding back to others - i just sometimes refuse to talk and keep things really short
- Trying to communicate in a seperated space - only got to do it once...

I did also talk to my mum about it but it was just the classic "join in with others", "just start talking to them", "its not that hard" and whatever else.

I want to be told things that have helped others or is doing atleast something for them. I probably wont be able to overcome social anxiety but, if something can atleast help me, itd be great.

I also take meds for it but, I can't really tell if theres any major differences.

 

[Hvergelmir]

I strongly believe that the main thing will be repetition. Get through a thousand awkward situations, and you'll be quite resilient to awkwardness.

Autism or not, I think social anxiety is very common for younger people, and that most grow out of it.
It might be harder with autism, but I think it's fundamentally similar. While we all don't qualify for a formal diagnosis, we all have our own oddities and quirks.

I think I personally was helped by interactions with cashiers in stores, repeated many times. I set the objective to get through both confidently and politely (as opposed to avoiding and defensive).
I also made a decision to approach strangers with questions if they caught my interest. That came later though, and was harder, but eventually allowed me to naturally inquire about dogs, cars, solar panels, or whatever interesting thing I see someone deal with.

In short; just keep at it. Being awkward or brief is not offensive.

 

[trying ungracefully]

Medication can help and what I found helped with my social anxiety was exposure response therapy.

It should be done with a professional who knows this but if you don't have the resources I will tell you what I have learned from a social anxiety group I went to and now I am in an exposure group. It can harm you too so make sure you research this too and get all the information you need.

It sucks ass and I am really struggling with it myself too but you need to go out and do the things that give you anxiety so you can expand your "window of tolerance". I have a lot of social anxiety and I barely leave the house because of it but still there has been progress with tolerating things I couldn't before.

Like I couldn't look people in the eyes while talking to them and I would mumble and appear very strange. I might still appear strange but I could look people in the eyes for the most part (still hard in group settings) and even talk normally while interacting with people outside of my home. I had to continue to look people in the eyes and talk and sit with the anxiety to be able to get to this point. Another progress I made is that before I couldn't walk down a busy street with extreme anxiety and feeling sick at times. Now I am able to walk down a busy street a lot better and even enjoy the walk a bit after practicing over time.

This isn't saying your anxiety will go away, I heard in group with the therapist talking to someone else that "your brain will always be your brain". But things can become more manageable and you can be able to tolerate the things you couldn't before with practice. This isn't a quick process, it is a disorder it is hard, so it will take time to be able to look someone in the eyes, it isn't just going to take a week (hard for me to accept lol).

With exposure therapy you need to work up to the hardest thing. You have a SUDS (subjective units of distress scale) from 1-100 and everything will be at a certain place on that scale. You start with the 10 and work up to 100. So you make a list of things that give you anxiety and see what you do first and keep practicing and working up until you get the hang of it. You could start with recording yourself talking and watching the video back and being mindful of what you are feeling in the moment. Then maybe going up to someone you trust in person and giving a speech. Just ideas.

I know some people hate worksheets but this is just a journaling one that could help link

The also before you do it you can do a before, during, and after SUDS to observe how the exposure went and safety behaviors you should avoid. Mindfulness is a big key in getting better.

Remember self compassion too during these things. Self kindness vs self judgement, common humanity (you can relate you others) vs isolation, mindfulness vs over identification (don't be caught up in your negative thoughts, observe them and that they are happening, easier said than done it takes practice. To get better with mindfulness practice it during good moments too so you get the hang of it.)

If I missed something or got something wrong please add on or correct. I am learning this as I go so I am just going off the information I remember. Sorry it is a lot I just can relate to social anxiety a lot so I want to give the information that I learned.

 

[itsgone2]

Good luck. I tried and failed. I do agree with just continue to show up. Keep interacting when you can. Stay humble and have empathy for others many of them are struggling too.

 

[NutOrat]

I strongly believe that the main thing will be repetition. Get through a thousand awkward situations, and you'll be quite resilient to awkwardness.

Autism or not, I think social anxiety is very common for younger people, and that most grow out of it.
It might be harder with autism, but I think it's fundamentally similar. While we all don't qualify for a formal diagnosis, we all have our own oddities and quirks.

I think I personally was helped by interactions with cashiers in stores, repeated many times. I set the objective to get through both confidently and politely (as opposed to avoiding and defensive).
I also made a decision to approach strangers with questions if they caught my interest. That came later though, and was harder, but eventually allowed me to naturally inquire about dogs, cars, solar panels, or whatever interesting thing I see someone deal with.

In short; just keep at it. Being awkward or brief is not offensive.

I spent 4 years going shopping and seeing the same cashiers almost daily. I could not get over my anxiety and shame every single time we interacted. Of course, it was easier with some, especially those that acted nicer and responded to my greetings and thanks, but for the most part I can't raise my voice above mumbling, and eye contact is something I have to consciously force myself to do. Which is probably why most don't answer me or look at me weirded out, because they didn't hear what I said and were repulsed by what I bought daily or my looks or whatever.

Maybe I'm just justifying my own laziness, maybe I really didn't put myself out there enough, but I can't get over the shame and guilt I feel whenever someone sees me and what I do/buy/how I act/etc. Sometimes I feel like I can't interact with one more stranger because I can't deal with these feelings, I don't want to ever feel that way again. And now that I've mostly stopped going outside I've lost any progress I might've made throughout these years (which again, I feel like there was none made).

 

[Hvergelmir]

...seeing the same cashiers almost daily.

While that might sound easier, I think strangers are better to overcome social anxiety.
With repeated interaction towards the same person one tend to build a history and social norm. There will already be an established model of who "you" are, and they'll have a hard time accepting you as anything else.

Maybe I'm just justifying my own laziness, maybe I really didn't put myself out there enough...

Try to find a low stakes environment, where there's no preconceived notion of who you're supposed to be, and it truly doesn't matter how you're perceived.
Allow yourself to experiment, confidently knowing that the interaction is transient.

 

[YourLocalSadGirly]

It sounds to me like you have very serious social anxiety. I'm not gonna lie to you, it will be very, very difficult to get over. It might be something you live with for the rest of your life to some extent at the very least. However, there's things you can do to improve your social anxiety. I think number one is going out with people you're familiar with and comfortable around. This should help get you out of the house. I hate being told this but it's true: social anxiety can only improve through exposure. Second thing is going outside and not talking to anyone. Sit outside in a busy place like a park or a cafe and just be present in the moment. Don't try to distract yourself too much, just try to focus on your anxiety and imagine it fading away or "flowing down a river and disappearing" (exact words from my therapist). Third is something that helped me a lot but your mileage may vary. Try wearing your favorite outfit. Whatever that is, just wear whatever clothes you think you look best in. This should help you gain some self confidence.

I think trying to focus on interacting with others from the start won't be helpful due to the severity of your social anxiety. I would first try to get comfortable just being in public (as comfortable as you can possibly be). Once you think you're ready then move on to interacting with people. It can start as small as a wave or a smile. That's also my biggest overall advice which is to take it slow. Social anxiety is not something that's going to go away overnight. It's gonna be a years long process to improve. I know that's likely not what you want to hear but it's unfortunately true. It took me about a year and half to mostly rid myself of social anxiety and even now it still pops up from time to time. And always remember to be gentle with yourself. Overcoming social anxiety is really really difficult and can be demoralizing at times. There will likely be setbacks, but as long as you can always move forward you'll get where you want to be eventually.

I really hope that this was helpful as I know social anxiety is an absolute bitch.

 

[penguinl0v3s]

Talking to autistic people helped me immensely. It was so many times better that it made me form resentment for allistic people. Most of them are way more judgmental than autistic people.

You could try speaking to yourself alone. And practicing making your voice stronger.

 

[snow_in_summer]

At around 2023-2024, I was diagnoised w/ autism and social anxiety. Since then i've realised why i couldnt do many things like communicating to others, looking at others, couldnt be myself around others and some other things.

ive always wanted a way to just talk to others again, i speak very softly because i dont like my actual voice, i can look at people now but it feels awkward after some time but, i cant muster up talking to anyone. im unable to communicate fully with someone unless im used to them after a period of time (my teacher and boyfriend) or just anyone important (being called by professionals or my family). I tend to get really warm and i feel embarrassed unable to speak and sometimes will cry because of how hard it is, it feels like my throat prevents me from trying to speak even if my mouth opens, my heart may race and i just feel like a total loser.

My teacher has and is willing to help me with it but, it just feels like nonsense, i tried suggesting ideas and she agreed with them luckily but, ive made little to no progress.
- Saying hi to people - I walk by - hardly do it
- Waving to people - i wave so low, its unnoticeable
- Responding back to others - i just sometimes refuse to talk and keep things really short
- Trying to communicate in a seperated space - only got to do it once...

I did also talk to my mum about it but it was just the classic "join in with others", "just start talking to them", "its not that hard" and whatever else.

I want to be told things that have helped others or is doing atleast something for them. I probably wont be able to overcome social anxiety but, if something can atleast help me, itd be great.

I also take meds for it but, I can't really tell if theres any major differences.

I think it's really important to just view it as a long term thing. Yeah, it hurts, it doesn't feel like it's getting better, but, it probably is, over time, slowly. I'm a lot better than I was before, I still mumble and look down at the ground and stuff esp when I'm anxious and I'm much better than I used to be. It's just hard when we're used to instant feedback and stuff always feels negative in the moment... But I think just by trying you're slowly improving at it even if it doesn't feel that way.

 

[ScaredCutter]

I think it's really important to just view it as a long term thing. Yeah, it hurts, it doesn't feel like it's getting better, but, it probably is, over time, slowly. I'm a lot better than I was before, I still mumble and look down at the ground and stuff esp when I'm anxious and I'm much better than I used to be. It's just hard when we're used to instant feedback and stuff always feels negative in the moment... But I think just by trying you're slowly improving at it even if it doesn't feel that way.

i see, thank you!
also, i really love ur profile, suika ibuki is my fav from touhou!

 

[Macedonian1987]

I too struggled with social anxiety for years back when I was a teen. I was too worried about what other people would think of me. When I noticed how badly people treated me no matter how nice I was with them, I just quit caring what would they think of me.
When I did that the social anxiety I had vanished almost completely. Now at the age of 38 I don't care one bit about what other people would think of me.
Too bad I didn't made this change in my thought process earlier.

 

[ScaredCutter]

Medication can help and what I found helped with my social anxiety was exposure response therapy.

It should be done with a professional who knows this but if you don't have the resources I will tell you what I have learned from a social anxiety group I went to and now I am in an exposure group. It can harm you too so make sure you research this too and get all the information you need.

It sucks ass and I am really struggling with it myself too but you need to go out and do the things that give you anxiety so you can expand your "window of tolerance". I have a lot of social anxiety and I barely leave the house because of it but still there has been progress with tolerating things I couldn't before.

Like I couldn't look people in the eyes while talking to them and I would mumble and appear very strange. I might still appear strange but I could look people in the eyes for the most part (still hard in group settings) and even talk normally while interacting with people outside of my home. I had to continue to look people in the eyes and talk and sit with the anxiety to be able to get to this point. Another progress I made is that before I couldn't walk down a busy street with extreme anxiety and feeling sick at times. Now I am able to walk down a busy street a lot better and even enjoy the walk a bit after practicing over time.

This isn't saying your anxiety will go away, I heard in group with the therapist talking to someone else that "your brain will always be your brain". But things can become more manageable and you can be able to tolerate the things you couldn't before with practice. This isn't a quick process, it is a disorder it is hard, so it will take time to be able to look someone in the eyes, it isn't just going to take a week (hard for me to accept lol).

With exposure therapy you need to work up to the hardest thing. You have a SUDS (subjective units of distress scale) from 1-100 and everything will be at a certain place on that scale. You start with the 10 and work up to 100. So you make a list of things that give you anxiety and see what you do first and keep practicing and working up until you get the hang of it. You could start with recording yourself talking and watching the video back and being mindful of what you are feeling in the moment. Then maybe going up to someone you trust in person and giving a speech. Just ideas.

I know some people hate worksheets but this is just a journaling one that could help link

The also before you do it you can do a before, during, and after SUDS to observe how the exposure went and safety behaviors you should avoid. Mindfulness is a big key in getting better.

Remember self compassion too during these things. Self kindness vs self judgement, common humanity (you can relate you others) vs isolation, mindfulness vs over identification (don't be caught up in your negative thoughts, observe them and that they are happening, easier said than done it takes practice. To get better with mindfulness practice it during good moments too so you get the hang of it.)

If I missed something or got something wrong please add on or correct. I am learning this as I go so I am just going off the information I remember. Sorry it is a lot I just can relate to social anxiety a lot so I want to give the information that I learned.

Thank you so much! this really helps me understand and see what group therapy is like because its been suggested to me before but i avoided it because of how much i dislike working with others or being forced to do something with others, sometimes its just the process but, im thankful for ur reply! i'll take this into a lot of consideration as ive been thinking about ur reply a lot. im very thankful!

It sounds to me like you have very serious social anxiety. I'm not gonna lie to you, it will be very, very difficult to get over. It might be something you live with for the rest of your life to some extent at the very least. However, there's things you can do to improve your social anxiety. I think number one is going out with people you're familiar with and comfortable around. This should help get you out of the house. I hate being told this but it's true: social anxiety can only improve through exposure. Second thing is going outside and not talking to anyone. Sit outside in a busy place like a park or a cafe and just be present in the moment. Don't try to distract yourself too much, just try to focus on your anxiety and imagine it fading away or "flowing down a river and disappearing" (exact words from my therapist). Third is something that helped me a lot but your mileage may vary. Try wearing your favorite outfit. Whatever that is, just wear whatever clothes you think you look best in. This should help you gain some self confidence.

I think trying to focus on interacting with others from the start won't be helpful due to the severity of your social anxiety. I would first try to get comfortable just being in public (as comfortable as you can possibly be). Once you think you're ready then move on to interacting with people. It can start as small as a wave or a smile. That's also my biggest overall advice which is to take it slow. Social anxiety is not something that's going to go away overnight. It's gonna be a years long process to improve. I know that's likely not what you want to hear but it's unfortunately true. It took me about a year and half to mostly rid myself of social anxiety and even now it still pops up from time to time. And always remember to be gentle with yourself. Overcoming social anxiety is really really difficult and can be demoralizing at times. There will likely be setbacks, but as long as you can always move forward you'll get where you want to be eventually.

I really hope that this was helpful as I know social anxiety is an absolute bitch.

i see, thank you a lot for this! i usually wear a mask whenever im outdoors (away from home) because im afraid of judgement but, this feels reliving to see! i'll take this into a lot of consideration as well, it feels very understanding and honestly comforting to hear. thank you so much!!

i apologise if my reply is very bland and empty, i just dont know what to always say

 

[MapleS]

for me
>go to facefook
>find autism socializing group
>"hi I'm mentally ill and a bit awkward but a cool person, dm if interested for interraction"

but for real
go to the convent (where furries are allowed), deciding to not speak with person who speeks and interract with people this way. For me that was an awesome experience
people, form my experience, are strengly kind to me when I'm mute

also
Maybe dress in some way (which makes people look at you). For some people it's terapeutic and they feel like people look at their costume not at them.

 

[ponderingkoala]

At around 2023-2024, I was diagnoised w/ autism and social anxiety. Since then i've realised why i couldnt do many things like communicating to others, looking at others, couldnt be myself around others and some other things.

ive always wanted a way to just talk to others again, i speak very softly because i dont like my actual voice, i can look at people now but it feels awkward after some time but, i cant muster up talking to anyone. im unable to communicate fully with someone unless im used to them after a period of time (my teacher and boyfriend) or just anyone important (being called by professionals or my family). I tend to get really warm and i feel embarrassed unable to speak and sometimes will cry because of how hard it is, it feels like my throat prevents me from trying to speak even if my mouth opens, my heart may race and i just feel like a total loser.

My teacher has and is willing to help me with it but, it just feels like nonsense, i tried suggesting ideas and she agreed with them luckily but, ive made little to no progress.
- Saying hi to people - I walk by - hardly do it
- Waving to people - i wave so low, its unnoticeable
- Responding back to others - i just sometimes refuse to talk and keep things really short
- Trying to communicate in a seperated space - only got to do it once...

I did also talk to my mum about it but it was just the classic "join in with others", "just start talking to them", "its not that hard" and whatever else.

I want to be told things that have helped others or is doing atleast something for them. I probably wont be able to overcome social anxiety but, if something can atleast help me, itd be great.

I also take meds for it but, I can't really tell if theres any major differences.

Hey. I'm also autistic (self diagnosed cause It's hard to access a doctor (but luckily was able to see a psychiatrist in rehab and got a free session and was somewhat confirmed) but I'm pretty sure cause i read a lot and came to the conclusion cause i'm a stickler for logic, somewhat shy but not really, only in social events, can't maintain eye contact for shit, mentally fatigued and an over thinker and procrastinator and can dead ass abandon something serious cause my head just can't at that point lol, then there's talking a lot when I'm discussing something i know in depth cause i read on it, afraid to meet new people but actually chill)

Before i lose the plot, what i did, or do to TRY (cause there really nothing else, you know lol) and over come the social anxiety was just to keep a fuck it mentality, cause i mean basically all that really stops me is the "what ifs" in my brain, and it becomes too stressfully and mentally draining that i end up crapping out in any interaction, even online lol. Now it's just fuck it and try to be as me as possible, till i find a comfortable pattern that sticks, then rinse repeat and upgrade if possible, if you're trying to overcome it, it only means your brain naturally yearns the connection with others and your type of autism isn't on the high side that it actually hinders you from making connections (people on the high side of the spectrum are too "impaired" and even if they try the reactions they'll get in a real field test would be too discouraging to continue for those with a fickle mindset or will power) so yeah fuck it. Even if you over think and crap out, fuck it, You don't say the right things, fuck it, the aim is to get comfortable enough with yourself that you don't care as much, and trust me this is from experience, people adjust to you, yeah sure you'll always notice that your interaction with people compared to how they may be with others may seem less spicy, but it's fine consider it as an indicator to know how much people (allow me to use this language) fuck with you. Our super power is being able to tell and read body language and countenance. That being said just expect the least with people be yourself be confident and always fuck it shit happens even brad pit farts, Selena Gomez takes stinky shits, tom cruise is short af, and the queen of England was rich but wasn't really a looker in the face department lol no ones perfect keep that in mind and stay frosty solider the battle continues lol