Venting Journal: Wanting and trying and to improve life/self, terrified of change

[Heavy_Metals117]

I'm trying to make improvements, like now I'm trying to get a CDL so I can finally have a career, but I'm so scared of the lifestyle change it would be. I don't really see many other options for breaking into another area quickly given where I live. I'm really only doing this because it's too expensive to go to university even as a transfer student, all for what would likely be a useless music degree. I'm constantly scared and full of anxiety and fear that everything will go wrong, that I won't be able to handle being alone for so long, that I'm just too stupid. It's better than feeling like I have no options though. I want to be able to pay for things and support myself fully for once. I want to learn how to approach random people and talk confidently and coherently. I want to travel the country and see places and maybe experience them too. I want to be able to retire one day and have a family. I want to go back to school in the future once I could afford it with my own money. I'm just terrified of what would be the biggest change in my life ever. Whenever I'm alone in in bed away from my family in the evening with nothing productive to do, like now, I can't control my mind and I spiral and cry and think about ending things. I'm so scared of the future and change, but I want to change so badly. I lost my love of 6 years because I didn't change. I'm 22 and physically able with a family that is supporting this route for me and I know I should take advantage of it now. I keep being told and I know that it is not too late. Reading others people's stories who definitely have it worse than me have helped me see that. It's still so hard though. Typing here helps though, to organize my thoughts and emotions somewhat, and I hope it could help someone reading this too. I wish I could take anxiety medication, which has worked for me before tremendously, but it also removed my only inhibitions keeping me from attempting to ctb. Now I have to power through with a depression medication that makes me feel even more anxious. At least I'm still trying though, but it's so hard and I'm afraid I'll just give up again.