Help Need advice

[DarknessInMe]

I'm in a situation that is extremely overwhelming and I absolutely don't know what to do and decide right now.
Help and advice would be extremely appreciated as I have no idea how to go on currently.

I planned to hang myself for about weeks and on 20th February, I attempted in a forest but failed due to people seeing me.
As a result, an ambulance was called and I was driven to a psychiatric ward. I stayed there for about two weeks until last Thursday. It was awful to be there, not only because of the environment but the fact that no one really understood what happened or what I was thinking.
I was asked several times if I "really" had suicidal thoughts, one doctor assumed that I did not have those but was only afraid of myself ctbing (as a form of ocd).
In some way, it was embarrassing to me that I couldn't get through my plan on that day, so it was easier not to be forced to talk about it, but on the other hand, I felt like there was absolutely no one that understood that I really wanted to die on that day and that it was definitely not just a thought or even a fear of doing it. This is just ridiculous.
On top of that, people always seem to assume that my illness, a severe depressive episode, cannot be the reason for my feelings of hopelessness. The doctor said that I would stand under extreme pressure due to my family which is absolutely wrong. It's the depression that kills me, not my family or anyone else. It's just my stupid sick brain that cannot stand being alive.

I'm suffering from this depressive episode since the beginning of 2021 with the first depressive episode in 2015. I tried many medications, was in different treatments, both inpatient and outpatient. I really don't think there's anything I can do anymore and even if there is something that could help, I don't want it. I really don't want to fight anymore.

I now have to decide whether I want to go inpatient again (this time voluntarily) on Wednesday. It's a hospital unit that's specialised on depression, but I'm afraid they also can't help me and don't understand how I feel, especially considering that the doctor referred me to the unit and told the doctor there what is going on with me, probably including his assumption that it's only a form of ocd I'm struggling with.

In the last weeks, I lost everything. The rehabilitation program I was in since last October kicked me out because of the suicide attempt and I needed to quit my final exams and therefore school completely due to the treatment in the psychiatric ward.

Please give me advice on what to do now. I just want the pain to stop.

 

[AnonymousL]

I now have to decide whether I want to go inpatient again (this time voluntarily) on Wednesday. It's a hospital unit that's specialised on depression, but I'm afraid they also can't help me and don't understand how I feel, especially considering that the doctor referred me to the unit and told the doctor there what is going on with me, probably including his assumption that it's only a form of ocd I'm struggling with.

I would try it.
Doctors need to be objective even though they hear stuff from other doctors.

See it as a second opinion.
Whenever a patient is going for a second opinion that doctor has to do all the tests over again and ignore the tests that have already been done by the first doctor.

I'm sorry you're in this situation.

I hope you feel better soon

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Only you can decide what you wanna do. The big question is what caused the depression? You suffer from it since 2015. What triggered it? Unless you have an idea or the doctors in the psych ward find the reason treatment is difficult imo. I wish you all the best and good luck!

 

[Equaldentist]

I would attend the depression inpatient unit. I think what your doctor was trying to get at, is that a lot of people think that depression comes from having suppressed feelings that you are unable to act on so they resurface as depression where you struggle to do anything at all. It isn't necessarily your family but it might be worth thinking about what's going on in the rest of your life. Maybe it was school related, given the timing of your attempt.

Depression can be purely chemical, but that will be a last resort assumption probably, and they will still ask you all these sorts of questions, you may as well do your homework in advance to say you have already ruled out these possibilities.