MorsVoluntaria
Member
- Dec 27, 2018
- 25
I'm mostly a lurker on this site, but I'm making this post because I can't vent to anyone in real life about this. It happened several weeks ago, but I still feel very upset just thinking about it.
Background, I've been passively suicidal for years, just waiting for the day I can no longer bear to stay alive. My partner has bipolar disorder and also has suicidal thoughts. We are both very open with each other about our struggles. He was the only person I disclosed my suicidal thoughts to, at the time.
We went out drinking on a Friday night. I drank too much. Blacked out, but was still conscious and stumbling. He had to help walk me back to our apartment.
Someone called the police because they thought my partner was someone trying to take advantage of me. The police came to question us for a welfare check.
I remember parts of this because I was likely panicking from the police at the door. Apparently they asked if I was suicidal, and very stupidly, I answered yes and even added that I wanted to take sodium nitrite. I'm not sure why I even admitted that. I'm guessing it was because I was extremely drunk and my partner being present put me at ease because sometimes we discuss SN. I was placed on a 5150 hold.
Paramedics were called. I got dragged out in a stretcher. I remember the shame of seeing the faces of my neighbors who were outside, just staring at me.
In the emergency room, I was under constant surveillance by a security guard at the foot of my bed, which was in the hallway because the ER was packed. I had to change into a gown and they took my shoes and phone. Each time I needed the restroom, I had to have a handler outside the door listening. It felt humiliating and dehumanizing. Surprised they didn't handcuff me to the bed because I once ran away from the same ER while drunk.
I had to wait until 1 PM the next day for a psychiatrist to come evaluate me. They asked where I obtained the SN. I denied purchasing SN. Denied suicidal thoughts. Made up a fake story to make myself seem like an "attention-seeking female" so that they would discharge me.
I had to call a family member to come pick me up. One of the nurses told them I said I wanted to kill myself. I thought that was a HIPPA violation, but apparently not because I was on a hold and was still considered a threat to myself. So now my entire family knows and I feel so ashamed. Some were angry and yelled at me. Some treated me differently, as if was fragile, which really bothered me.
I'm annoyed that even though I wasn't admitted to a psychiatric hospital, a 5150 hold means that I still lose my gun rights for the next five years. I'm worried that I could potentially lose my current job and many other opportunities that I studied and worked so hard for.
I received a $10,000 USD bill for less than 24 hours in the ER and am still anxiously waiting for insurance to respond. I requested my medical records from the ER, but they refused to give me access because they believed it would be harmful for me. Absolute bullshit.
Thankfully the cops didn't search my place, so I still have my SN that I bought a few years ago. I'm also glad I got discharged because the medical bills would've been far greater.
This whole experience has made me lose even more trust in the healthcare system. Whenever I hear an ambulance or police siren, I start to feel very nervous and sick to my stomach. It's even worse when I hear those sirens getting closer to my street.
I'm a bit worried about posting this because what if the police trace it back to me and send me back to the hospital?
From now on, I will never admit to being suicidal, except on this website. I even worry now about admitting these thoughts to my partner.
I dislike how society forces everyone to stay alive and views suicide as always an irrational or incorrect choice.
Feel free to share your own experiences with psychiatric treatment or involuntary holds.
Background, I've been passively suicidal for years, just waiting for the day I can no longer bear to stay alive. My partner has bipolar disorder and also has suicidal thoughts. We are both very open with each other about our struggles. He was the only person I disclosed my suicidal thoughts to, at the time.
We went out drinking on a Friday night. I drank too much. Blacked out, but was still conscious and stumbling. He had to help walk me back to our apartment.
Someone called the police because they thought my partner was someone trying to take advantage of me. The police came to question us for a welfare check.
I remember parts of this because I was likely panicking from the police at the door. Apparently they asked if I was suicidal, and very stupidly, I answered yes and even added that I wanted to take sodium nitrite. I'm not sure why I even admitted that. I'm guessing it was because I was extremely drunk and my partner being present put me at ease because sometimes we discuss SN. I was placed on a 5150 hold.
Paramedics were called. I got dragged out in a stretcher. I remember the shame of seeing the faces of my neighbors who were outside, just staring at me.
In the emergency room, I was under constant surveillance by a security guard at the foot of my bed, which was in the hallway because the ER was packed. I had to change into a gown and they took my shoes and phone. Each time I needed the restroom, I had to have a handler outside the door listening. It felt humiliating and dehumanizing. Surprised they didn't handcuff me to the bed because I once ran away from the same ER while drunk.
I had to wait until 1 PM the next day for a psychiatrist to come evaluate me. They asked where I obtained the SN. I denied purchasing SN. Denied suicidal thoughts. Made up a fake story to make myself seem like an "attention-seeking female" so that they would discharge me.
I had to call a family member to come pick me up. One of the nurses told them I said I wanted to kill myself. I thought that was a HIPPA violation, but apparently not because I was on a hold and was still considered a threat to myself. So now my entire family knows and I feel so ashamed. Some were angry and yelled at me. Some treated me differently, as if was fragile, which really bothered me.
I'm annoyed that even though I wasn't admitted to a psychiatric hospital, a 5150 hold means that I still lose my gun rights for the next five years. I'm worried that I could potentially lose my current job and many other opportunities that I studied and worked so hard for.
I received a $10,000 USD bill for less than 24 hours in the ER and am still anxiously waiting for insurance to respond. I requested my medical records from the ER, but they refused to give me access because they believed it would be harmful for me. Absolute bullshit.
Thankfully the cops didn't search my place, so I still have my SN that I bought a few years ago. I'm also glad I got discharged because the medical bills would've been far greater.
This whole experience has made me lose even more trust in the healthcare system. Whenever I hear an ambulance or police siren, I start to feel very nervous and sick to my stomach. It's even worse when I hear those sirens getting closer to my street.
I'm a bit worried about posting this because what if the police trace it back to me and send me back to the hospital?
From now on, I will never admit to being suicidal, except on this website. I even worry now about admitting these thoughts to my partner.
I dislike how society forces everyone to stay alive and views suicide as always an irrational or incorrect choice.
Feel free to share your own experiences with psychiatric treatment or involuntary holds.
