N in hand. Need to talk to anyone

[lanahelp]

I just received N. 2 bottles. Need to talk to someone who knows about it. I'm scared.

 

[CommitSudoku]

I don't know anything about N, I'm sorry. I hope someone who does will drop by soon. If I had N I think I'd feel relieved. There's no reason you have to take it right away unless you yourself decide to. So you can use it whenever, if you let yourself treat it like that. Best wishes whatever you decide to do.

 

[eyeroller]

I ordered 2 bottles myself. I don't know anything else since I haven't tasted it.

 

[headwood]

What are you feeling scared about? I'm no expert and have no experience actually ingesting N, but I've tried to research it as much as I can being that I have successfully procured it, and if/when I CTB, it will be my method. I would be glad to try to help to the extent that I can share information. Agree with @CommitSudoku - try to find some solace and reassurance in the simple fact that you now finally have it in your possession; there is no pressure to drink it right away. I wake up every single day and the very first thoughts in my internal monologue after being hit with the reality of waking consciousness and the trap of inescapable suffering that I live in are me telling myself that I have control over when I CTB because I have what I need now, and that I can always CTB tomorrow. That helps me feel like I have at least a modicum of control over what is otherwise a life, body and brain that has spiraled completely out of my control and has been overtaken by pathogens.

 

[FinalPeace]

There's no reason you have to take it right away unless you yourself decide to. So you can use it whenever, if you let yourself treat it like that. Best wishes whatever you decide to do.

^^^

I wouldn't touch it until you've processed these emotions and come to terms with them. Pack it away in a draw and pretend it never happened if its that scary. You can deal with it all later. There's no rush for anything. Plenty people go through phases and maybe you are one of those such people who never go through with it. Thats ok.

 

[FuneralCry]

I know nothing about N personally as it is not my method, but I'm sorry for all the suffering that has brought you to this point. I think if I had N I would at least be comforted by the fact that I have a way to exit this world peacefully when the time is right for me. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[hankbank3928]

What are you scared of?

 

[lanahelp]

What are you feeling scared about? I'm no expert and have no experience actually ingesting N, but I've tried to research it as much as I can being that I have successfully procured it, and if/when I CTB, it will be my method. I would be glad to try to help to the extent that I can share information. Agree with @CommitSudoku - try to find some solace and reassurance in the simple fact that you now finally have it in your possession; there is no pressure to drink it right away. I wake up every single day and the very first thoughts in my internal monologue after being hit with the reality of waking consciousness and the trap of inescapable suffering that I live in are me telling myself that I have control over when I CTB because I have what I need now, and that I can always CTB tomorrow. That helps me feel like I have at least a modicum of control over what is otherwise a life, body and brain that has spiraled completely out of my control and has been overtaken by pathogens.

Beautifully written. Thanks, all, for the replies. Do you, perchance, have Lyme or a confection? I do. Bartonella. Lost it all. Was a happy NYC professor and lover of life. 5 years. The depersonalization and derealization are otherworldly. I'm scared of living another day aware of how disassociated and suicidal I've become. I'm scared of it not working. I'm scared I'm going to do it. I'm scared of destroying the lives of so many who sacrificed nearly all to get me well.

 

[Sunset Limited]

N is the gold standard for CTB. Since I have something similar to it, I am quite at peace. Because now I decide how much this world can hurt me. Feeling this control keeps me alive. I tried partial hanging 5 years ago and failed. It was a bad experience. Life is pushing me out for financial reasons now and I'll have to do CTB soon. If it weren't for that, I could just go on living for my mother with the idea that I had a peaceful exit. Your heart will tell you the right time. Don't hurt yourself. You have the control now.

 

[lanahelp]

N is the gold standard for CTB. Since I have something similar to it, I am quite at peace. Because now I decide how much this world can hurt me. Feeling this control keeps me alive. I tried partial hanging 5 years ago and failed. It was a bad experience. Life is pushing me out for financial reasons now and I'll have to do CTB soon. If it weren't for that, I could just go on living for my mother with the idea that I had a peaceful exit. Your heart will tell you the right time. Don't hurt yourself. You have the control now.

Thank you so much. Your English is fine! I know; I'm a professor :). I wish for you some type of resolution on the financial issues so you can stay and reclaim a full life. May it happen. I'm grappling hard about what to do. The bottles received are injectables...?

 

[ocklepold]

No, injecting it yourself won't work because you'll fall unconscious while you're doing it. The recommended way is to drink it.

 

[Sunset Limited]

Thank you so much. Your English is fine! I know; I'm a professor :). I wish for you some type of resolution on the financial issues so you can stay and reclaim a full life. May it happen. I'm grappling hard about what to do. The bottles received are injectables...?

Thank you so much. I hope you can rebuild your life and be happy.

If it's liquid, it's probably injectable. I'm assuming you got it from D. You want to use it IV?

 

[KimKevorkian]

The method is to ingest it, imbibe it. Search "N" and see what threads exist and then proceed with your research. I completely agree with OP to set this final act aside until some future date. I've read the efficacy should be fine even if 4 to 5 years from now.

 

[lanahelp]

Thank you so much. I hope you can rebuild your life and be happy.

If it's liquid, it's probably injectable. I'm assuming you got it from D. You want to use it IV?

Yes. Thank you! It is from D. The same for you… it is liquid in form. How do I inject it?

 

[WhiteRabbit]

Yes. Thank you! It is from D. The same for you… it is liquid in form. How do I inject it?

You can't inject it quick enough unless someone is doing it for you. You have to drink it.

 

[lanahelp]

The method is to ingest it, imbibe it. Search "N" and see what threads exist and then proceed with your research. I completely agree with OP to set this final act aside until some future date. I've read the efficacy should be fine even if 4 to 5 years from now.

Thank you so much. I couldn't get the cap off to imbibe it without breakage. But I will do it when ready. Thank you, all.

 

[KimKevorkian]

So, they're still sealed then?

 

[VoidDesirer22]

I just received N. 2 bottles. Need to talk to someone who knows about it. I'm scared.

All I can say is that you have a privilege to have received it. You do not need to rush to use it as others have noted. But I'm telling you, so many do not get the chance to be able to have the golden standard.

I'm jealous and cannot hide that jealousy.

 

[Sunset Limited]

Yes. Thank you! It is from D. The same for you… it is liquid in form. How do I inject it?

It's not a good idea to inject unless you're a healthcare professional.

 

[hopelessgirl]

Congrats in getting it! I ordered some as well but never received it because of customs. It is my preferred method as well, so I know quite a lot about it. My method now will have to be sn.

 

[hankbank3928]

Congrats in getting it! I ordered some as well but never received it because of customs. It is my preferred method as well, so I know quite a lot about it. My method now will have to be sn.

are you from the US?

 

[hopelessgirl]

are you from the US?

No Norway

 

[lanahelp]

are you from the US?

Yes

So, they're still sealed then?

Yes

 

[LeavingEarly]

Congrats in getting it! I ordered some as well but never received it because of customs. It is my preferred method as well, so I know quite a lot about it. My method now will have to be sn.

What country did you order in?

 

[lanahelp]

From D in M

 

[headwood]

Beautifully written. Thanks, all, for the replies. Do you, perchance, have Lyme or a confection? I do. Bartonella. Lost it all. Was a happy NYC professor and lover of life. 5 years. The depersonalization and derealization are otherworldly. I'm scared of living another day aware of how disassociated and suicidal I've become. I'm scared of it not working. I'm scared I'm going to do it. I'm scared of destroying the lives of so many who sacrificed nearly all to get me well.

Yes - I still don't know for certain which co-infection(s) I have. I suspect Bartonella may be one, based on the severe psychiatric nature of my symptoms, but it's hard to know because I don't have other key indicators like the striae, the pain in the soles of the feet. This thing has been going on for just over a year and I still don't understand what it is. It started with a terrible flu unlike anything I have ever experienced and I haven't been the same since. I don't have painful joints, nausea, physiological things of this nature that lots of Lyme people get. For me it's rooted in some kind of relentless encephalitis; I feel the inflammation in my brain at all times. It has comes with psychological symptoms, terrible tinnitus, insomnia, constipation, pseudo-seizures, strange neurological phenomena throughout my body, "Lyme rage", inability to regulate my emotions, brain fog.

Otherworldly, indeed. The isolation is horrible. I don't know who I am anymore and at times I feel agoraphobic. My life has been completely shut down and I too lost it all. My Lyme-trauma-brain will not stop trying to put it back together, even though it's all gone, and so I re-live the losses every day, all day. Lost my spouse, stepchildren, my home and beautiful farm, my sense of self, ability to feel anything other than panic, confusion, sorrow, grief, chaos, despair. Every day is an assault of invasive rumination, crushing depression, air hunger, constant blaring tinnitus, balloon-like head pressure, twitching/jerking, episodes of vertigo, and on and on. I'm a prisoner inside of my own mind. Debilitating PTSD with no respite. I am constantly questioning whether the PTSD and all of the neuro-psychological weirdness is coming from the infections, or is it purely a consequence of the trauma that I have been through...the lines are hopelessly blurred. This neurological Lyme, it is the absolute strangest. It feels like the bacteria are lurking and inside of my mind speaking to me, telling me to kill myself, making me think about death constantly, against my will. Literal mind-control. I'm exhausted defending against it.

I hear you about being scared. I don't want to die, but every day I feel closer to being ready to go. I never wanted any of this. Living in it is absolute torture and madness. I have endured so much trauma that it feels like even if the infection was eradicated, I will be forever dysfunctional because of the psychological damage that it has wrought, which makes me feel hopeless and discouraged about even trying to continue to sift through everything you have to do to find treatment. I just don't have the fight in me that one needs to contend with Lyme and beat it. Every day I feel closer to going ahead with it and ending my suffering...but every day the fear wins and I live another day inside of the pain.

Fear of N not working: for what it's worth, the more I've read about it, the less afraid I am about this part. There is a lot of talk about the risks of vomiting, but I think this is blown out of proportion. I tried to get meto from a Mexican pharmacy but it appears to be held up in customs. I'm not so worried however and I think that I will be fine without using an antiemetic. The biggest hurdle is getting over my fear of actually following through with it; conquering my survival instinct. I don't think I've reached a point where I can attempt to drink N without the risk of my mind winning and causing me to spit it out. Perhaps practice runs might be helpful here.

Fear of doing it: I'm assuming you mean more of a compulsive thing here. I get afraid of this too. I have days where I herx so badly that I am absolutely certain that I need to die TODAY, and my brain latches onto it so tightly. But then, at least for me, it's not as easy to follow through with N compulsively as other methods might be because there is at least some planning involved, fasting for 8 hours etc. So that at least offers some inherent protection against following through in a moment of panic, rather than being rational and calculated with the process.

Fear of destroying lives: yes, it's so difficult to wrestle with this. No one who has not experienced what we have experienced can possibly understand. Perhaps if they could, there would be a particular kind of compassion that helps them let us go without so much resistance. I shudder at the prospect of how much it will hurt my mother, who has sacrificed so much to be there for me as her life has been turned upside down by this. I think ultimately I will have to come to accept that my family will be terribly hurt by my death and there's nothing I can do about it. It's awful.

Just obtaining N is a huge hurdle that you have successfully conquered. I hope that you have found some peace in that.

I don't know if I have Bartonella or not, but either way I have read a lot about Bartonella and about people's experiences living inside of it. I am so sorry for that demon that has come into your life. No one deserves to suffer in this way.

 

[Life interrupted]

Try to calm down. Having N is a bless you should feel relieved. Only you will decide when to take it. No one is forcing you! BTW where are you from?
X

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

Bluntly, you are nowhere near ready to CTB.

You have this substance that you seem completely uninformed about. Please, please, please read about N. The information you need is all on the site, but you seem to have found none of it.

N is ingested, preferably with an antiemetic. It is not injected.

The seals can be removed from the bottles, but not until you are ready. Again, the information you need is here, but you haven't read enough if you haven't seen it.

You hold great power in your hands. Use it wisely. Many of us find that having means in our possession makes life a bit easier to muddle through.

My advice? Put in the back of a closet (a cool, dark place) and make certain that no one else can access it. Then read and wait.

When the time is right, you will have prepared carefully and you will be ready. That time may never come. It's just too soon to tell.

 

[Muse]

No need to rush. You have time and the gold standard in your hands. Take that time, don't worry.
We're here for you.

 

[lanahelp]

Yes - I still don't know for certain which co-infection(s) I have. I suspect Bartonella may be one, based on the severe psychiatric nature of my symptoms, but it's hard to know because I don't have other key indicators like the striae, the pain in the soles of the feet. This thing has been going on for just over a year and I still don't understand what it is. It started with a terrible flu unlike anything I have ever experienced and I haven't been the same since. I don't have painful joints, nausea, physiological things of this nature that lots of Lyme people get. For me it's rooted in some kind of relentless encephalitis; I feel the inflammation in my brain at all times. It has comes with psychological symptoms, terrible tinnitus, insomnia, constipation, pseudo-seizures, strange neurological phenomena throughout my body, "Lyme rage", inability to regulate my emotions, brain fog.

Otherworldly, indeed. The isolation is horrible. I don't know who I am anymore and at times I feel agoraphobic. My life has been completely shut down and I too lost it all. My Lyme-trauma-brain will not stop trying to put it back together, even though it's all gone, and so I re-live the losses every day, all day. Lost my spouse, stepchildren, my home and beautiful farm, my sense of self, ability to feel anything other than panic, confusion, sorrow, grief, chaos, despair. Every day is an assault of invasive rumination, crushing depression, air hunger, constant blaring tinnitus, balloon-like head pressure, twitching/jerking, episodes of vertigo, and on and on. I'm a prisoner inside of my own mind. Debilitating PTSD with no respite. I am constantly questioning whether the PTSD and all of the neuro-psychological weirdness is coming from the infections, or is it purely a consequence of the trauma that I have been through...the lines are hopelessly blurred. This neurological Lyme, it is the absolute strangest. It feels like the bacteria are lurking and inside of my mind speaking to me, telling me to kill myself, making me think about death constantly, against my will. Literal mind-control. I'm exhausted defending against it.

I hear you about being scared. I don't want to die, but every day I feel closer to being ready to go. I never wanted any of this. Living in it is absolute torture and madness. I have endured so much trauma that it feels like even if the infection was eradicated, I will be forever dysfunctional because of the psychological damage that it has wrought, which makes me feel hopeless and discouraged about even trying to continue to sift through everything you have to do to find treatment. I just don't have the fight in me that one needs to contend with Lyme and beat it. Every day I feel closer to going ahead with it and ending my suffering...but every day the fear wins and I live another day inside of the pain.

Fear of N not working: for what it's worth, the more I've read about it, the less afraid I am about this part. There is a lot of talk about the risks of vomiting, but I think this is blown out of proportion. I tried to get meto from a Mexican pharmacy but it appears to be held up in customs. I'm not so worried however and I think that I will be fine without using an antiemetic. The biggest hurdle is getting over my fear of actually following through with it; conquering my survival instinct. I don't think I've reached a point where I can attempt to drink N without the risk of my mind winning and causing me to spit it out. Perhaps practice runs might be helpful here.

Fear of doing it: I'm assuming you mean more of a compulsive thing here. I get afraid of this too. I have days where I herx so badly that I am absolutely certain that I need to die TODAY, and my brain latches onto it so tightly. But then, at least for me, it's not as easy to follow through with N compulsively as other methods might be because there is at least some planning involved, fasting for 8 hours etc. So that at least offers some inherent protection against following through in a moment of panic, rather than being rational and calculated with the process.

Fear of destroying lives: yes, it's so difficult to wrestle with this. No one who has not experienced what we have experienced can possibly understand. Perhaps if they could, there would be a particular kind of compassion that helps them let us go without so much resistance. I shudder at the prospect of how much it will hurt my mother, who has sacrificed so much to be there for me as her life has been turned upside down by this. I think ultimately I will have to come to accept that my family will be terribly hurt by my death and there's nothing I can do about it. It's awful.

Just obtaining N is a huge hurdle that you have successfully conquered. I hope that you have found some peace in that.

I don't know if I have Bartonella or not, but either way I have read a lot about Bartonella and about people's experiences living inside of it. I am so sorry for that demon that has come into your life. No one deserves to suffer in this way.

Here is the link to my site referenced. I'm available to help with resources, support, or just connection as you wish. https://www.facebook.com/groups/DefeatingPsychiatricLyme