Story my whole story why being here now

[depressedカリちゃん]

I am suicidal since a kid. It started between kindergarten and elementary school when I screamed things like "my heart should stop beating" or I banged my head against the wall since idk how to sh properly. I got sexually abused twice as a kid from same aged kids. My parents are Jehovas witnesses and raised me like that.
At around 18 I discovered I'm trans. Till this day I did many things to help with dysphoria&depression but it is still present everyday.
I started drugs at 16 but more activity at 19. I tried over 13 different substances at least three times each but luckily never got addicted to them except smoking cigarettes.

My father is probably narcissistic and has beaten me as punishment as a child. He always gave me the feeling that I'am not enough. Nevertheless, he said and says that he loves me. I think he only wanted the best for me from his point of view. I have been diagnosed with ADHD and a combined personality disorder with historical and borderline parts. I already took several medications through the years to help with depression and suicidal thoughts such as Agomelatin, Bupropion, Medikinet, Escilatopram, setraline, straterra. I am currently on Mirtazapin

I attempted suicide like 3 times but was not committed enough and I ended up in the closed psychiatric hospital for more than 6 times. I'm 26 now and wonder why I am still here. Maybe because of my mom or maybe because I'm a coward.

I had 5 therapists and 3 psychatrists from 18 till now in total. They helped me with skills and with the transition. But it didn't helped for long term.
One therapist had sexually abusing me and I had to report him to Medical Association
A other therapist was just trash

I had 11 different jobs, including internships and training. I was very often on sick leave because of my mental problems. I was dismissed by jobs mainly because of this. For others, it was probably more due to the things that a histrionic personality disorder entails. I have problems with rules and if I think they are not right or pointless I ignore them.

In terms of trans*, I already have some similar measures and oparations behind me and I fit the appearance as my perceived gender. In reality, however, I have to take great care that I fit in by putting on makeup, paying attention to my voice, etc. This is already a basic burden every day. In addition, I am almost two meters.

In terms of relationship and otherwise, I am a late-tarer. I had my first boyfriend at 22. The relationship even lasted 2 1/2 years. At some point he could no longer cope with my depressive mood, but the separation only came when he had proposed to open the relationship and I fell in love with someone new at the same time. We talked about it for a long time and I broke up in the end, and this for a person with borderline. Despite some quarrels, love was so intense and I would always choose a person with this personality. Many people demonize such people, but I think they're, like myself, been through to much and being misunderstood.

I like doing risky things like it is a bucket list point I can check.

I say I live on TikTok because this platform gives me a creative outlet for my depression by creating content that is relatable.

AMA

 

[arnxxx]

Do you have professional help like a therapist or psychiatrist?

 

[depressedカリちゃん]

Do you have professional help like a therapist or psychiatrist?

Oh yeah I forgot to talk about that(I'll update the post)

I had 5 therapists and 3 psychatrists from 18 till now in total. They helped me with skills and with the transition. But it didn't helped for long term.
One therapist had sexually abusing me and I had to report him to Medical Association
A other therapist was just trash

 

[justcallmeJ]

Im sorry you got so much hard moments in your life, nobody deserves that. I have seen some of your tiktoks and i think your very pretty <3 I can relate with the being trans part, im exactly 2 meters and aaaaaaaaaa terrible T.T

 

[arnxxx]

Oh yeah I forgot to talk about that(I'll update the post)

I had 5 therapists and 3 psychatrists from 18 till now in total. They helped me with skills and with the transition. But it didn't helped for long term.
One therapist had sexually abusing me and I had to report him to Medical Association
A other therapist was just trash

Wtf about that sexual abuse. I hope that therapist got what they deserved.
What about right now. Got anyone to talk to? Therapy you're doing?

 

[Adûnâi]

I have seen some of your tiktoks

But how did you find the channel?

 

[depressedカリちゃん]

Wtf about that sexual abuse. I hope that therapist got what they deserved.
What about right now. Got anyone to talk to? Therapy you're doing?

The lady where I reported him told me indirectly that he already has a record for this. Sadly he still practices therapy.

I have one suicidal bro and we vent everytime. But besides that not in IRL. This forum do really helps me

But how did you find the channel?

I linked them in my bio

 

[depressedカリちゃん]

EDIT 2

my SRS went wrong almost a year ago. This is why I am temporal disabled. I don't feel comfortable talking abt it in more detail but yeah this had a mature impact on my mental health again