My vent thread (unluckysadness)

[unluckysadness]

So, I guess it's time to create my own vent thread. What can I say... ?

Let's start with a question to God Almighty : WTF is (was) my miserable life ?? Can you hear me ?? Did I really deserve all this shit ??

All all these people who are suffering on Earth, did they deserve it ?? Is it fair ??

God, please...

 

[unluckysadness]

The harder I try, the more I fail. It's not for lack of trying if the whole universe is against me.

I did my best despite all these obstacles. After decades of struggles, I became an expert in survival, but I've never lived. Such normal things like love will always remain an unknown area for me.

Today my mother came for an hour and I wrote to Athanasios Switzerland. My mother doesn't know anything about my plans. Athanasios replied and asks me CHF 100.- if I want an answer from them. I don't know if I'll do it. Maybe, maybe not.

 

[unluckysadness]

Mom, Dad, I must tell you something : I'm on a suicide forum everyday since almost one year, but I cannot talk about it with you. Don't judge me, no need to call a psych ward. I'm not crazy, just suicidal because my life was ruined. The toxic family didn't help... But people here are very nice with me and understand my problems, so I'm waiting for death. And please Mom, don't pray too much for my healing, you'll be VERY disappointed because it won't work. You don't know how much I'm sick. I'm very good with masking my real emotions. My real emotions are put on this forum.

 

[unluckysadness]

I'm in front of the Athanasios website since days and I don't know what to do. They ask for a date, but I don't have a date in mind. If they want a date, I'll give them a date. I'll tell them 2027. I just want to ask them "hey guys, I don't need "assisted "suicide, just sell me a little N bottle and I know how to drink it"...

 

[SASU-KE]

Athanasios replied and asks me CHF 100.

So they're asking you to pay money just for general information? Or is it some sort of application?'Cause I know these guys charge for the application process. But if they're asking money just for providing information, that's unacceptable.

On a separate note. I'm aware your life has been very difficult for a long time and you've been fighting a war on several fronts. I hope you find peace.

 

[unluckysadness]

So they're asking you to pay money just for general information? Or is it some sort of application?'Cause I know these guys charge for the application process. But if they're asking money just for providing information, that's unacceptable.

On a separate note. I'm aware your life has been very difficult for a long time and you've been fighting a war on several fronts. I hope you find peace.

Thanks a lot, I really appreciate your kind message Yes I've been in hell for decades and I'm realistic about my future. More humiliation is not what I want. Today the pain in my body is so intense and doctors can't do anything for me. I'm not asking for help anymore because I'm too tired of all this shit. I don't really want to ctb but I feel I'm forced to, and it makes it more cruel. But that's just life ! (and life is great, isn't it !?? )

Yes I just asked Athanasios how could I do to talk about it to my family and they just gave me the link to pay CHF 100.- I also told them about my disabilities but they refuse to talk with me if I don't pay this amount.

To be honest, I don't really appreciate their answer, but for now I'm not strong enough to drink SN. These organizations are the only ones who have this peaceful N substance. It could be worse because a lot of people here are looking for SN and I don't have this problem, but too scared for the moment. I deserve a peaceful death. But the real reason I'm asking Athanasios is to tell to my family : "see, I'm eligible in Switzerland so it means I suffer a lot and you shouldn't blame me".

 

[SASU-KE]

Thanks a lot, I really appreciate your kind message Yes I've been in hell for decades and I'm realistic about my future. More humiliation is not what I want. Today the pain in my body is so intense and doctors can't do anything for me. I'm not asking for help anymore because I'm too tired of all this shit. I don't really want to ctb but I feel I'm forced to, and it makes it more cruel. But that's just life ! (and life is great, isn't it !?? )

This is the very worst situation in my opinion. I knew someone once who took their life because of health reasons. But they didn't want to die. Haunts me to this day.

Yes I just asked Athanasios how could I do to talk about it to my family and they just gave me the link to pay CHF 100.- I also told them about my disabilities but they refuse to talk with me if I don't pay this amount.

This is not the right way to treat a person who's looking to take their own life. Seems very transactional. I at least hope once the payment is made they answer all questions instead of sending another link next time you need something.

To be honest, I don't really appreciate their answer, but for now I'm not strong enough to drink SN. These organizations are the only ones who have this peaceful N substance. It could be worse because a lot of people here are looking for SN and I don't have this problem, but too scared for the moment. I deserve a peaceful death. But the real reason I'm asking Athanasios is to tell to my family : "see, I'm eligible in Switzerland so it means I suffer a lot and you shouldn't blame me".

Ideally this would be the right way to go. Surrounded by family. Is there any risk in telling your family to ask permission ?Do they know about your ideation?

 

[unluckysadness]

This is the very worst situation in my opinion. I knew someone once who took their life because of health reasons. But they didn't want to die. Haunts me to this day.

Ideally this would be the right way to go. Surrounded by family. Is there any risk in telling your family to ask permission ?Do they know about your ideation?

I also knew a very kind woman who committed suicide because of years of fighting Lyme disease. I think of her all the time and I miss her. Another guy who had the same rare disease as me jumped from his building and I miss him too. As long as governments say no to euthanasia, good people will die like this. Alone and with violence. Shame.

I also think assisted suicide is the right way to go. I guess my family would be less devastated, and they could prepare themselves mentally. I told them once about this idea of Swizterland or Belgium, and they asked me to forget this idea (they are VERY religious). But in my previous email to Athanasios, they told me that I'm old enough to make my own decisions, so I don't need the permission of someone else. I'd like to ask my brother but I know him, he won't accept this idea. My family loves me and I understand them.

But I should focus on "positive" things :
- I have SN and everything needed as mentioned in the PPH
- I have the exact amount of money on my bank account to go to Switzerland
- I can freely discuss here with wonderful people

I know other people here are disabled and need to escape because of huge health issues, so I should be grateful for what I have.

 

[volo]

I believe that the organization will ask you to inform your family beforehand. But yes, if you get approved, you parents may have to side with you. I think you may need a person to go with you there, or the whole family can go. I think it is in their faq-s.
There is one British guy who has a website explaining all those organizations and how he went to see them. It may be useful to read it.

 

[unluckysadness]

I just turn on the TV and there is a show with vets. Everytime I think the same thing when they talk about euthanasia : it's so easy for them to die peacefully and they even don't ask for it... I want to be a cat.

 

[unluckysadness]

I feel so bad but I don't want to ctb while there is this fucking heatwave. My family doesn't deserve to suffocate during my funeral.

 

[unluckysadness]

Today was a da of pure torture. I'm not exaggerating. A few years ago, I thought something will happen to me when I'm 43. I'll be 44 soon but I think I'll finally be dead before this date. I suffered too much. Insane.

 

[unluckysadness]

So many people died because of heatwaves. Why can't I just die like these people ? Fuck.

 

[unluckysadness]

There's no doubt anymore : we are living in hell. When I hear the news and when I read the posts here, yes, we are living in hell.
How can people be afraid of hell ? We already are in hell...

 

[unluckysadness]

I'm writing my symptoms for Athanasios. There is so much to say and some symptoms are really awkward.
Strange feeling to write such intimate things. I'm not comfortable at all to share this to strangers, but if it can help for my eligibility, I think it's okay.
I won't write the whole thing today because I'm really tired with nervousness because of lack of sleep and endless heatwave. But i hope to send the list before the end of the month. I really need an answer quickly. I hope it will give me some relief when they will agree i'm eligible. If they say I'm not, I still have my SN ready to go.

 

[unluckysadness]

Why do I procrastinate so much ? I know I need to send my request to Athanasios.
Today my parents came to see me for an hour and I feel like I'm betraying them. They don't know anything about my request for euthanasia.
I need maybe more time. I've always put too much pressure on myself. I guess that asking for euthanasia is not a normal thing, so it can explain my procrastination (+ the fear of being judged by strangers ?) But I've been procrastinating for EVERYTHING !... What is easy or normal for other people has always been so hard and stressful for me. I'm so tired of all this shit.

 

[unluckysadness]

I'm so fucking tired with these fucking panic attacks. My brain needs the best treatment : a gunshot. But I don't have a fucking gun.

 

[unluckysadness]

Discussion between my sick mind and me :

- (sick mind) : What are you doing there with that blank stare ?
- (me) : Nothing. I'm waiting for death.
- (sick mind) : Oh, I'm sorry. It seems very serious :-(
- (me) : Yes, it is.
- (sick mind) : May I help you ?
- (me) : Yes, you can help me to end this shit
- (sick mind) : Okay, I'll help you :-)
- (me) : Thanks. At least you will be useful for something...

 

[unluckysadness]

Damn, I'm so dumb ! I just wanted to "try" my rope (not as an attempt, just for curiosity) but after putting it around my neck, I couldn't remove it, so I almost had a panic attack (imagine if the neighbour or postman comes with me having a rope around the neck !...) Fortunately it's just a rope, so I tried with scissors but the rope is too large, so I took a large knife and now it's okay. It's so dumb to try this in the morning when someone can come to your home...

I have this rope ready since last year but I just wanted to see how it feels. And I'm defnitively not comfortable with hanging. Even if it was just a try, my SI kicked me just like shit. I'm a person who can panic easily so I guess it's only me, but this was a strange feeling. Now I need to do another knot but I won't "try" again. I just have this rope ine the case I must do it in a hurry. I think it's important to have several methods.

 

[unluckysadness]

When I read posts about relationships, friends, I feel more sad and isolated, because I realize how weirdos I am - even on a suicide forum. Why did it happen to me ? I mean, neurodivergence all and this shit. But it's worse than neurodivergence or autism. Sometimes I feel I have my own syndrome. Even other weirdos seem like normies to me. I don't know if other people can relate.

 

[unluckysadness]

Since yesterday, these fucking spasms are stronger than ever. I'm in so much pain and so isolated. This situation gives me so much stress and increases all my issues (like OCD, overthinking, tachycardia, ...) And thsese symptoms give me axtra stress. It's a vicious circle that never ends. I just wanna ctb right now but my method needs several hours fasting. If only I had N, I'd be more calm. I'd just like to call my brother to explain him my situation but he will probably call an ambulance and it's the last thing I need. I cannot handle it anymore. Every day is a torture. It's too much and I've already lost everything.

Tomorrow I'll send an email to the Athanasios woman to ask if she can call me earlier (just to hear a voice telling me "I understand your pain and I'll try to help you exit this torturous existence"). I feel I'm going insane sooner or later because all this shit. But if I go insane, I couldn't ctb anymore. I wanted to do some things before ctb like cleaning my room and other practical things for my family but if it continues, I guess I'll drink this SN one day in the morning so the fasting problem is resolved. I just worry for my blue corpse and the person who will find my body. I used to believe in God (I'm christian) but I even lost my faith and since I lost my faith I see it's getting worse.

When you have faith on something, you can still keep some hope but when it's gone, you just have NOTHING else and it's terrible. I had a terrible existence so I just want to succeeding in death. And if you don't hear about me anymore and if I don't write a goodbye thread, it's because I probably did it early in the morning. Don't be sad for me the day it will happen. As I said in several posts, all I need is PEACE. Give me millions, it won't give my mental and physical health back. Thanks for your support. I'll try to rest now. Even typing on a keyboard is something hard when I have these spasms crisis.

 

[unluckysadness]

I wouldn't be surprised if the asshole who abused Hayden Panettiere was a friend of Epstein... She reminds me of Virginia Giuffre (both were young, elegant, victims of abuse, struggling with mental illnesses and physical pain at the end and wrote a biography before their death). I wish them eternal peace. This planet is definitively sick. They are killing the most beautiful souls and during this time, assholes can live peacefully and enjoy life. Just unfair and disgusting.

 

[unluckysadness]

Each time I say to my mother that I'm mentally ill, she laughs at me because she doesn't believe me. But she know I'm struggling with severe mental and physical pain. She just doesn't want to admit it and it makes me more depressed. In my toxic family, you must be a winner. Otherwise you're nothing. And it hurts.

 

[unluckysadness]

I just got some bad nausea again (from anxiety or because of my pelvic pain). I guess it's because I overthink too much about my VAD request. I'm reading again an again the request to see if I didn't forget something important. I'll probably send the full request today so i'll just have to wait.

 

[unluckysadness]

I don't pray anymore and I'm going to lose my faith, so this will probably be my last message to you, God almighty.

So if you hear me : do you see all these beautiful souls here on SaSu (and all who suffer around the world) ? I'm sure you do.

If you're so almighty, please prove it. Make a miracle for someone. Not for me, I'm okay to end this miserable existence. But at least for ONE person.

Since I'm on this forum, I've seen so much pain and so much beautiful souls who don't deserve all this shit.

So please God, if you can save just ONE soul, do it. And if you don't give a shit about us, I want to have a little conversation with you the day I'll leave this world. Thanks.

 

[unluckysadness]

I feel so bad. I'll never find peace. My OCD, physical pain, nausea because pelvic pain, anxiety are maybe worse than ever. I take the right medication but it doesn't help me anymore. My brain is injuried by too much stress and traumas. I should see other doctors but they always treat me like shit and tell me "it's all in my head, psychological". I hate them. I'm forced being isolated so I don't belong to life anymore. I shouldn't fear death because I'm already dead.

For the moment, my parents are on vacation far away from me so I must wait when they come back. If I take SN now, it will be more shocking and they could have an accident while driving home. It's insane to still be alive with all my issues. And I know I'll have diabetes soon because my previous blood analysis was not good at all. And if I talk about VAD to my family, I know it's a gamble. Either they will judge me and put me into psych ward or they can understand me. I've reached the point of non return and I'm aware about it. I said to my mother I wanted to disappear (without mentioning suicide) and now she's worried. I really feel like a piece of shit.

 

[unluckysadness]

I took to much benzos since yesterday. I feel almost drunk, and I only took 10mg valium + 1/4 sleeping pill last night. I don't know how Céline Dion did survive to 90mg daily...

 

[unluckysadness]

I'm looking to exit this month. My neighbour is bullying me again. She has an alcohol problem and says I make noise when I walk. All I do is to suffer each minute and when I go out it's only to see therapists. I wanted to wait for ctb to put my things in order but my It's too much. I see the bus coming.

 

[unluckysadness]

So, my fucking SI don't want to let me go before I write my full biography. I'd like to write what they did to me, what really happened. Some people should be in jail for what they did to me. I'm not perfect, but I didn't harm any child (or maybe just when I was a kid myself - like so many kids). If I send my story to a journalist, it could become a scandal and other survivors could speak. It's like the MeToo movement. From the moment the first person speaks, the others start talking. If I do it, I'll be very brave, but I'm too tired with my disabilities. Just give me the energy to write before I lose my mind. It's very impotant to me. The other day I went to my therapist and she asked me why I wanted to write my story. I just told her it was important for me. I never mention suicide with therapists. It's not their business after all.