dragonofenvy
Paragon
- Oct 8, 2023
- 959
Yesterday I messaged a real estate agent in the hopes I could find a cheap house somewhere I could buy. I can afford it. I have great news! I just got a letter in the mail that my rent is being increased! Fuck me for trying to better my life. All I've wanted from mental health professionals is to validate that I am trying but I'm getting fucked over by shit out of my control. It's been this way my whole life but for some odd reason they refuse to validate it. Maybe it's because I'm not the correct demographic and it wouldn't be politically correct to say that the system/world doesn't fuck me over or some bullshit. Ah, yes, see being abused in my childhood and having it permanently scar me was actually my fault, not the world's. Not being selected for an IT job despite being a 4.0 student in Greek letter societies and having a good resume according to my school was actually my fault, and it wasn't because I have shit luck. Oh don't forget autism too I choose to have it. Like seriously fuck off.
Every. Single. Time. Every time I try to do something to better my life something comes up to ruin it. And guess what the MH professionals say? That I have this "idea" about "fairness" and how things are "unfair" to me. Yeah no fucking shit they're unfair to me hello???? Yeah I bet if they had a traumatic experience and couldn't do their job and all of their friends and family left them, and they had to move into a shithole apartment from their nice homes while doing a shit job they'd love it if I came up to them and told them "the past is the past" and that their circumstances are "not unfair." Seriously just tell me that I'm a scum human being that deserved to be tortured for my whole life and be done with it. I didn't deserve the trauma. I didn't deserve being sexually abused. I didn't deserve to have so many opportunities taken from me. I didn't deserve to have the system fuck me over. I didn't deserve to have to spend $25,000 at age 17 because the retard therapist called an ambulance for me. I didn't deserve to have never gone to a party and never had friends. Wow is it really that fucking hard for them to say? Apparently because they're always so evasive about it and try to compare it to "other" groups of people who have it worse. I DON'T CARE. There's so many members of these "other" groups they compare to that are doing a hell of a lot better than me. Hell my old therapist is one of these "marginalized" groups that are doing miles better than me. Stop fucking victim blaming for fuck's sake is it really that difficult? I thought it was your job to be validating towards the experiences of patients, but apparently if they don't belong to the "in-group" then they don't matter. Why are suicides on the rise in the US it's such a mystery.
I have monthly sessions with my new therapist. I just messaged him that I want to go back to my old one and discuss TMS & ECT with her as well as do trauma work. This January I'll be forced to go on my work's shit health plan which between it and the rent increase and ongoing treatment means I'll be hemorrhaging fucktons of money. So much for making sacrifices to save. If he refuses then I'm fucking done. I'll be sending a package with a stuffed animal that carries special meaning to me to my old therapist's home, and then I'm either putting a bullet from my father's Glock 18 through my head or PSH. Not sure which. I'm too fucking stupid to figure out PSH so if anyone's got tips let me know. PSH would be more convenient. I'm probably gonna have to do it this month because I just can't take this shit. Either that or wait for winter and shoot myself in the head outdoors so if I survive the shot I'll die from the cold. I'm done. I've been trying to build a better life for years. When I was young, about 6, I used to sleep with a knife under my pillow because I was afraid of my mother coming in my room and killing me. I've suffered for the last 20 years. I'm not going to put in more work because I keep getting fucked. I'm sick of these "professionals" telling me to be patient because it's a marathon, not a race. Dumbfuck I've been running this marathon since I was five years old fuck you.
God never had mercy on me in life. I don't expect mercy from him death. I'm better off praying to Satan for mercy when I'm sent to Hell. At least there I won't be alone with this pain.
Every. Single. Time. Every time I try to do something to better my life something comes up to ruin it. And guess what the MH professionals say? That I have this "idea" about "fairness" and how things are "unfair" to me. Yeah no fucking shit they're unfair to me hello???? Yeah I bet if they had a traumatic experience and couldn't do their job and all of their friends and family left them, and they had to move into a shithole apartment from their nice homes while doing a shit job they'd love it if I came up to them and told them "the past is the past" and that their circumstances are "not unfair." Seriously just tell me that I'm a scum human being that deserved to be tortured for my whole life and be done with it. I didn't deserve the trauma. I didn't deserve being sexually abused. I didn't deserve to have so many opportunities taken from me. I didn't deserve to have the system fuck me over. I didn't deserve to have to spend $25,000 at age 17 because the retard therapist called an ambulance for me. I didn't deserve to have never gone to a party and never had friends. Wow is it really that fucking hard for them to say? Apparently because they're always so evasive about it and try to compare it to "other" groups of people who have it worse. I DON'T CARE. There's so many members of these "other" groups they compare to that are doing a hell of a lot better than me. Hell my old therapist is one of these "marginalized" groups that are doing miles better than me. Stop fucking victim blaming for fuck's sake is it really that difficult? I thought it was your job to be validating towards the experiences of patients, but apparently if they don't belong to the "in-group" then they don't matter. Why are suicides on the rise in the US it's such a mystery.
I have monthly sessions with my new therapist. I just messaged him that I want to go back to my old one and discuss TMS & ECT with her as well as do trauma work. This January I'll be forced to go on my work's shit health plan which between it and the rent increase and ongoing treatment means I'll be hemorrhaging fucktons of money. So much for making sacrifices to save. If he refuses then I'm fucking done. I'll be sending a package with a stuffed animal that carries special meaning to me to my old therapist's home, and then I'm either putting a bullet from my father's Glock 18 through my head or PSH. Not sure which. I'm too fucking stupid to figure out PSH so if anyone's got tips let me know. PSH would be more convenient. I'm probably gonna have to do it this month because I just can't take this shit. Either that or wait for winter and shoot myself in the head outdoors so if I survive the shot I'll die from the cold. I'm done. I've been trying to build a better life for years. When I was young, about 6, I used to sleep with a knife under my pillow because I was afraid of my mother coming in my room and killing me. I've suffered for the last 20 years. I'm not going to put in more work because I keep getting fucked. I'm sick of these "professionals" telling me to be patient because it's a marathon, not a race. Dumbfuck I've been running this marathon since I was five years old fuck you.
God never had mercy on me in life. I don't expect mercy from him death. I'm better off praying to Satan for mercy when I'm sent to Hell. At least there I won't be alone with this pain.
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