Story My Story

[At_The_Threshold]

I keep thinking that there is no real reason for me to feel this way, to think I should be on this website. I keep thinking that my supposed trauma is not comparable to those who have suffered far worse than I, and that in turn makes me feel weak that I allowed such relatively small things effect me in a overwhelming way. But I will try to use humor as was recommended on this site to make writing and reading this easier.

All things return to my time in primary school, I was around seven at the time. I reluctantly mention that this was a Catholic School, because I know how most people feel about religion here. Roald Dahl did not pick purely from imagination when designing sadistic teachers who would put strenuous effort in making kids miserable. My memories of the time are blurry and fragmented, but the after-images are still there. This mainly consisted of incessant screaming from teachers looming over you in your desks, walking the corridors with an overwhelming fear and dread of some unknown thing. I cried every day. The final straw was being physically hit twice by a teacher (who looked like the lady from the Pink Flamingos film) for crying after being ordered to push a tray full of gym mats. To put a long story short, told my parents, police were called, school threatened to expel the eyewitnesses, I transferred.

As I mention before, I look back on this and think, "That's it?" despite my lingering scars, I feel anger and confusion that there are those who have suffered far greater than me yet I have the gall to put my "trauma" on par with theirs. It makes me feel weak.

My father left the family when I was thirteen. That killed me. I know that he left my mother, not me. He left to take care of his parents on the other side of the globe. It left me feeling worthless, inadequate, not worthy of attention, of care. Its hard to appreciate my mother's love, and all her hard work. I can recognize that, and I can at least be grateful for that.

Throughout life, I was brought up to be the special gifted autistic child, promises of university and grand life. Heaps of praise inflated my pretentious ego.

I think a lot of my self-loathing and social phobias come from listening to radical figures on the internet during my late teenage years. Ridiculous nonsense about women, race, and politics. Whilst I can look back on these things as being untrue and harmful, they seemed to exacerbate the low self-esteem issues I had and I still cannot seem to shake the perennial sense of inadequacy I have to other young people.

I am self-employed, odd-job gardening here and there. I should be proud, they say. But I don't really.

For many years I experemented with spirituallty, particularly the occult. I seeked intense spiritual experience. I look back on those days of daily rituals and reading endless, overpriced books, was I seeking enlightenment, or escape? I seemed to fill my days with those thoughts and rituals, in between gaming, trying to distract myself from the fact that I was greatly dissatisfied with life and myself. In my last days I kept asking "tell me what to do!" because even though I denied it, I had lost motivation in life.

Something happened after I left my first job. I had to leave after my disability (feet-related) made it too difficult to work. I suddenly became aware of a great sense of loss, an inherent emptiness. All my senses feel like they are being shoved through a funnel. I feel like I was conned or rejected by my spiritual studies, I feel repulsed or avoidant of others, I feel a loss of enjoyment in almost everything, or at least a false shadow of sensation.

I will being therapy next week. But I am so scared and angry. I thought I was done with dealing with my trauma. I don't want to lose my seeking for spirituality but I feel like a part of me, if not all of it, suddenly died or I suddenly became aware of an emptiness in me when I quit my job.

Whatever happens, I just hope I can feel happy again, I want to look forward to the next day. I think I hated myself so such that I eventually stopped feeling overall.

 

[AntiAll]

Oh..You know that the worst part is that you are lowering the values of your issues and problems.. man you went through alot.. my apologies to you, you don't deserve to live like that.. I hope you get better with the therapy and if you don't I suggest you to consider CTBing ..

 

[At_The_Threshold]

Oh..You know that the worst part is that you are lowering the values of your issues and problems.. man you went through alot.. my apologies to you, you don't deserve to live like that.. I hope you get better with the therapy and if you don't I suggest you to consider CTBing ..

Thank you for your compassion but deep down, despite my worst moments I know CBT isn't something that I want. I wish you peace and happiness.

 

[Parasitic]

Just seen how much I've put, I apologies for so much, I tend to lack the ability to condense my speech.

I keep thinking that there is no real reason for me to feel this way, to think I should be on this website. I keep thinking that my supposed trauma is not comparable to those who have suffered far worse than I, and that in turn makes me feel weak that I allowed such relatively small things effect me in a overwhelming way. But I will try to use humor as was recommended on this site to make writing and reading this easier.

Please don't think that because someone comparably has had it "worse" that it invalidates you feeling the way you do, some of us do take what are deemed "smaller things" in an overwhelming way it doesn't mean our feelings are lesser or don't matter.

All things return to my time in primary school, I was around seven at the time. I reluctantly mention that this was a Catholic School, because I know how most people feel about religion here. Roald Dahl did not pick purely from imagination when designing sadistic teachers who would put strenuous effort in making kids miserable. My memories of the time are blurry and fragmented, but the after-images are still there. This mainly consisted of incessant screaming from teachers looming over you in your desks, walking the corridors with an overwhelming fear and dread of some unknown thing. I cried every day. The final straw was being physically hit twice by a teacher (who looked like the lady from the Pink Flamingos film) for crying after being ordered to push a tray full of gym mats. To put a long story short, told my parents, police were called, school threatened to expel the eyewitnesses, I transferred.

First off despite different views on religion it doesn't mean we all had the choice to go to a religious school nor does it mean we have to follow the religion of the school (a prime example of this would be myself) so please don't feel guilt or anything negative about the fact you went to a religious school. School is designed to shappen you up into going into the "real world", teachers screaming, looming over desks and the overwhelming fear and dread are things that represent and condition someone for again the "real world" which in my opinion helps no one outside of those select few who are perfect candidates to pay taxes and die without much care (I can't say im not jealous of those people). I'm so sorry to hear that you were physically hit twice by a teacher, a school is meant to be a safe place to be and the fact you were assaulted is disgusting and it pains me to read you had to go through that. I don't know what happened after that but I hope the transfer went well.

As I mention before, I look back on this and think, "That's it?" despite my lingering scars, I feel anger and confusion that there are those who have suffered far greater than me yet I have the gall to put my "trauma" on par with theirs. It makes me feel weak.

Please don't ever tell yourself "that's it" as I said before different people experience things differently, we are all individuals and the least we deserve is to be treated as such. Don't feel weak about it.

My father left the family when I was thirteen. That killed me. I know that he left my mother, not me. He left to take care of his parents on the other side of the globe. It left me feeling worthless, inadequate, not worthy of attention, of care. Its hard to appreciate my mother's love, and all her hard work. I can recognize that, and I can at least be grateful for that.

I'm glad you can recognize your mothers love even if you find it hard to appreciate your mothers love its good to see that you still do. It's also good that you recognize that he parted ways to take care of his parents as apposed to putting the blame on yourself because it's not anyone's fault at all, its a horrible situation and im sorry you felt worthless and unworthy of care because of it but although you didn't say it yourself im not sure if you feel it so I'm going to say it anyway, none of that was your fault.

Throughout life, I was brought up to be the special gifted autistic child, promises of university and grand life. Heaps of praise inflated my pretentious ego.

I can somewhat relate to this, although I won't say I understand how you feel I can relate to an extent of how this feels and more so how it feels when you don't meet your own unrealistic expectations that others planted

I think a lot of my self-loathing and social phobias come from listening to radical figures on the internet during my late teenage years. Ridiculous nonsense about women, race, and politics. Whilst I can look back on these things as being untrue and harmful, they seemed to exacerbate the low self-esteem issues I had and I still cannot seem to shake the perennial sense of inadequacy I have to other young people.

This I can also relate too, from around 14-present day I was brought up with the internet and every single different opinion/view regardless of how radical or rational, it fills your head with all these different ideas and makes you believe things that myself now would deem crazy and extremely hateful, I must say I am glad I got past that and those opinions didn't stick, I became a much more caring person and treated everyone as an individual, SaSu also helped with this (I used to lurk for a while before making an account) because you hear this whole "fight against mental health" stuff but you never get to really understand someones story on a individual personal level. So my advice would be stay true to yourself and work out your own morals/opinions free from internet opinions.

I am self-employed, odd-job gardening here and there. I should be proud, they say. But I don't really.

You should be damn proud of yourself, ignore what you tell yourself on this one and accept that you should be proud.

For many years I experemented with spirituallty, particularly the occult. I seeked intense spiritual experience. I look back on those days of daily rituals and reading endless, overpriced books, was I seeking enlightenment, or escape? I seemed to fill my days with those thoughts and rituals, in between gaming, trying to distract myself from the fact that I was greatly dissatisfied with life and myself. In my last days I kept asking "tell me what to do!" because even though I denied it, I had lost motivation in life.

I won't speak much on this because in all honesty I don't know too much about spiritualilly and I can't comment on if you were seeking enlightenment or escape, the impression im getting is you were seeking was some fulfillment because you were dissatisfied with yourself and I think you summed it up well yourself that you had lost motivation which I believe you will find once again.

Something happened after I left my first job. I had to leave after my disability (feet-related) made it too difficult to work. I suddenly became aware of a great sense of loss, an inherent emptiness. All my senses feel like they are being shoved through a funnel. I feel like I was conned or rejected by my spiritual studies, I feel repulsed or avoidant of others, I feel a loss of enjoyment in almost everything, or at least a false shadow of sensation.

I think its a relatively normal response to feel the way you did. The sense of loss mixed with previous issues would leave someone feeling conned by something they believed in which would spiral into feeling avoidant of others then a loss of enjoyment of everything. I'll touch back into this in the next part

I will being therapy next week. But I am so scared and angry. I thought I was done with dealing with my trauma. I don't want to lose my seeking for spirituality but I feel like a part of me, if not all of it, suddenly died or I suddenly became aware of an emptiness in me when I quit my job.

Its understandable to feel scared and angry, unless unpacked in a certain way trauma CAN stay, therapy can help and has helped people. You yourself saying you don't want to lose your seeking for spirituality, then don't. You can keep spirituality for life if you can take comfort or seek the answers you are looking for in something its good for you. I think from the way you type (as odd as it sounds) you would be able to find the answers and happiness you seek and deserve in whatever that maybe and find something to fill that emptiness permanently

Whatever happens, I just hope I can feel happy again, I want to look forward to the next day. I think I hated myself so such that I eventually stopped feeling overall.

With whatever happens in your next chapter I wish you the absolute best with whatever you do and im so sorry you've been feeling empty and had to experience what you had to go through. Please remember although you yourself doubt validation on how you feel, you do matter and so does how you feel. I hope you feel happy once again and find peace in whatever it is you choose to find peace in.

 

[At_The_Threshold]

Just seen how much I've put, I apologies for so much, I tend to lack the ability to condense my speech.


Please don't think that because someone comparably has had it "worse" that it invalidates you feeling the way you do, some of us do take what are deemed "smaller things" in an overwhelming way it doesn't mean our feelings are lesser or don't matter.


First off despite different views on religion it doesn't mean we all had the choice to go to a religious school nor does it mean we have to follow the religion of the school (a prime example of this would be myself) so please don't feel guilt or anything negative about the fact you went to a religious school. School is designed to shappen you up into going into the "real world", teachers screaming, looming over desks and the overwhelming fear and dread are things that represent and condition someone for again the "real world" which in my opinion helps no one outside of those select few who are perfect candidates to pay taxes and die without much care (I can't say im not jealous of those people). I'm so sorry to hear that you were physically hit twice by a teacher, a school is meant to be a safe place to be and the fact you were assaulted is disgusting and it pains me to read you had to go through that. I don't know what happened after that but I hope the transfer went well.


Please don't ever tell yourself "that's it" as I said before different people experience things differently, we are all individuals and the least we deserve is to be treated as such. Don't feel weak about it.

I'm glad you can recognize your mothers love even if you find it hard to appreciate your mothers love its good to see that you still do. It's also good that you recognize that he parted ways to take care of his parents as apposed to putting the blame on yourself because it's not anyone's fault at all, its a horrible situation and im sorry you felt worthless and unworthy of care because of it but although you didn't say it yourself im not sure if you feel it so I'm going to say it anyway, none of that was your fault.

I can somewhat relate to this, although I won't say I understand how you feel I can relate to an extent of how this feels and more so how it feels when you don't meet your own unrealistic expectations that others planted

This I can also relate too, from around 14-present day I was brought up with the internet and every single different opinion/view regardless of how radical or rational, it fills your head with all these different ideas and makes you believe things that myself now would deem crazy and extremely hateful, I must say I am glad I got past that and those opinions didn't stick, I became a much more caring person and treated everyone as an individual, SaSu also helped with this (I used to lurk for a while before making an account) because you hear this whole "fight against mental health" stuff but you never get to really understand someones story on a individual personal level. So my advice would be stay true to yourself and work out your own morals/opinions free from internet opinions.

You should be damn proud of yourself, ignore what you tell yourself on this one and accept that you should be proud.

I won't speak much on this because in all honesty I don't know too much about spiritualilly and I can't comment on if you were seeking enlightenment or escape, the impression im getting is you were seeking was some fulfillment because you were dissatisfied with yourself and I think you summed it up well yourself that you had lost motivation which I believe you will find once again.

I think its a relatively normal response to feel the way you did. The sense of loss mixed with previous issues would leave someone feeling conned by something they believed in which would spiral into feeling avoidant of others then a loss of enjoyment of everything. I'll touch back into this in the next part

Its understandable to feel scared and angry, unless unpacked in a certain way trauma CAN stay, therapy can help and has helped people. You yourself saying you don't want to lose your seeking for spirituality, then don't. You can keep spirituality for life if you can take comfort or seek the answers you are looking for in something its good for you. I think from the way you type (as odd as it sounds) you would be able to find the answers and happiness you seek and deserve in whatever that maybe and find something to fill that emptiness permanently

With whatever happens in your next chapter I wish you the absolute best with whatever you do and im so sorry you've been feeling empty and had to experience what you had to go through. Please remember although you yourself doubt validation on how you feel, you do matter and so does how you feel. I hope you feel happy once again and find peace in whatever it is you choose to find peace in.

Thank you for your words. Your compassion and consideration is greatly appreciated. I wish you all the best.