Rounded Agony
Hard to live, hard to die
- Aug 8, 2022
- 806
So I don't know if it ever really expires, especially if it's been sealed the whole time. But in any case, it kinda feels like a big deal.
When I got it, I told myself if things weren't decidedly better at the end of 2025, I'd get the fuck outta here. And are they?
.....
I'd say in all ways but one, they are decidedly worse. The only thing that's better is I have quality people in my life again (for now) who seem to legit care about me (for now). But, almost none of them live remotely close to me. And my capacity/desire to interact with others has so dwindled; it used to be a nearly-anytime effective balm to the agony that is life otherwise, connecting with good people. Now, I'm physically -> mentally so much more fucked that I simply can't or don't want to spend what at times is precious little energy on that.
The OTHER thing I wasn't even considering back when I got the SN was that this decade anniversary is kind of...fitting. 2016 began as one of the absolute hardest times (up to that point) for me, but I completely turned it around with my own will, ability, and initiative and it ended up turning into the absolute prime of my life. Not that things were ever truly thoroughly bad - actually most of life had been solid for me admittedly - but here had been only one other period of time that even came close, which was differently good, but this time I felt like a god. I was living so much, doing so much. I was so alive.
And before the year was out, my closest friend exited this world.
It took months but I eventually came out of the ensuing agony, though a changed human. Priorities and perspective changed. I was in the same place with the same opportunities but I lived differently, and wanted to. Frankly I could have managed on that path I think, with those (and other) conditions as they were in the ensuing 6-12 months.
But then the health problems started. I experienced a recurring pain the likes of which I did not previously think possible, that was so horrendous with no end in sight that I doubted how long I could live. Of course it eventually went into remission (only to be come intermittent and episodic to this day), but then all the other shit happened, spear after spear into my sides. Always struggling to stay afloat, to redefine what "living" and "life" even were.
I've done it so many times now, and am so tired. I don't see this pattern ending anytime soon, definitely not in my lifetime. I hate being on this eternal precipice, of being so aware of how bad things are - and will continue to get - but not feeling like it's "bad enough" because of good days and survival instinct and fucking treacherous, misplaced hope. The most evil of evils.
Then, of course, the fear of the SN failing and/or me changing my mind halfway. And THAT fucking me up in any manner of ways, making me worse off, etc. That thought is appalling, and part of why I feel the need to be absolutely fucking sure the time is right. Oh, how I wish I lived in a country where firearms were accessible. Truly that is the only way. Such high chance of success, so wonderfully instantaneous. I don't want it to be possible to change my mind in the middle of things. For the medical system to hurt me (again) instead of "helping" me. And incidentally, I fucking hate this piece of shit country that will hand out medically-provide death like candy to its citizens without guaranteeing those people have housing, food, actual medical CARE, and whatever other basic necessities everyone should have. "Can't help ya live, but happy to help ya die!". Fuck this place.
Anyway, tangent; guess there's nothing to do but see what the next six months hold. I can see this period of despair ending in that time, while I don't actually expect it as I doubt the external conditions causing it will resolve. I'm so tired of treading water here. I just want to not wake up one day. Is that too much to ask..?
When I got it, I told myself if things weren't decidedly better at the end of 2025, I'd get the fuck outta here. And are they?
.....
I'd say in all ways but one, they are decidedly worse. The only thing that's better is I have quality people in my life again (for now) who seem to legit care about me (for now). But, almost none of them live remotely close to me. And my capacity/desire to interact with others has so dwindled; it used to be a nearly-anytime effective balm to the agony that is life otherwise, connecting with good people. Now, I'm physically -> mentally so much more fucked that I simply can't or don't want to spend what at times is precious little energy on that.
The OTHER thing I wasn't even considering back when I got the SN was that this decade anniversary is kind of...fitting. 2016 began as one of the absolute hardest times (up to that point) for me, but I completely turned it around with my own will, ability, and initiative and it ended up turning into the absolute prime of my life. Not that things were ever truly thoroughly bad - actually most of life had been solid for me admittedly - but here had been only one other period of time that even came close, which was differently good, but this time I felt like a god. I was living so much, doing so much. I was so alive.
And before the year was out, my closest friend exited this world.
It took months but I eventually came out of the ensuing agony, though a changed human. Priorities and perspective changed. I was in the same place with the same opportunities but I lived differently, and wanted to. Frankly I could have managed on that path I think, with those (and other) conditions as they were in the ensuing 6-12 months.
But then the health problems started. I experienced a recurring pain the likes of which I did not previously think possible, that was so horrendous with no end in sight that I doubted how long I could live. Of course it eventually went into remission (only to be come intermittent and episodic to this day), but then all the other shit happened, spear after spear into my sides. Always struggling to stay afloat, to redefine what "living" and "life" even were.
I've done it so many times now, and am so tired. I don't see this pattern ending anytime soon, definitely not in my lifetime. I hate being on this eternal precipice, of being so aware of how bad things are - and will continue to get - but not feeling like it's "bad enough" because of good days and survival instinct and fucking treacherous, misplaced hope. The most evil of evils.
Then, of course, the fear of the SN failing and/or me changing my mind halfway. And THAT fucking me up in any manner of ways, making me worse off, etc. That thought is appalling, and part of why I feel the need to be absolutely fucking sure the time is right. Oh, how I wish I lived in a country where firearms were accessible. Truly that is the only way. Such high chance of success, so wonderfully instantaneous. I don't want it to be possible to change my mind in the middle of things. For the medical system to hurt me (again) instead of "helping" me. And incidentally, I fucking hate this piece of shit country that will hand out medically-provide death like candy to its citizens without guaranteeing those people have housing, food, actual medical CARE, and whatever other basic necessities everyone should have. "Can't help ya live, but happy to help ya die!". Fuck this place.
Anyway, tangent; guess there's nothing to do but see what the next six months hold. I can see this period of despair ending in that time, while I don't actually expect it as I doubt the external conditions causing it will resolve. I'm so tired of treading water here. I just want to not wake up one day. Is that too much to ask..?
