My relationship

[SadGirl]

I've been dating for almost four years. My girlfriend and I have been through a lot. I have ADHD, bipolar disorder with severe depression, generalized anxiety, and social anxiety. And she has borderline. Last weekend, she said she was going to break up with me. In this case, I was always the one talking about breaking up, but never actually did. She's from the capital city of my city, and I'm from the countryside. She comes here every Friday. But during the week, she goes out EVERY DAY with friends... This bothers me, not because I'm insecure about her cheating on me—I think that sometimes, but I know it's not true. I always talk to her about it, about how I feel, and nothing changes. She's very absent from my life during the week, and we can only talk via text. When she talked about breaking up with me in person, I had a horrible panic attack and almost ended up in the emergency room; it was really scary. I don't know if I'm wrong about this, about just wanting a little more attention from my girlfriend. I'm sensitive and needy, yes. But if we broke up, I would definitely commit CTB. I don't know what to do. Right now, all I can do is bear it all in silence, while this tears me apart inside. Some days I even cry. I lost my father, almost a year ago, and I still don't know how to deal with the grief and the longing. I think she should support me more and be more present in my life, but she won't change her ways, and I don't know what to do.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

That's a tough one and I'm sorry you're going through it.

One thing I'd suggest is try to assert your independence preemptively and in small ways where possible - make some moves of your own, without her, so that you begin to establish a pattern of self-sufficiency. That's an attractive trait, and one that might be necessary to reduce the chances she views you as needy or codependent. You want to try and be busy or otherwise occupied in ways that don't involve her so that you're focused on other things and as a positive byproduct, are possibly a little harder to get a hold of. This can help shift some power back your way as it seems like she holds all the cards right now.

Hanging out with other people or developing some hobbies outside of the relationship can help. If you have some other options in life, you can at least come off like you're in a position of abundance rather than acting out of fear or scarcity, which can make you appear desperate if your partner's already pulling away. By being the one to create some distance, she will hopefully make a little more effort to seek you out for fear of losing you.

Good luck, and I hope things improve.

 

[Quietist]

If you are frequently talking about or threatening to break up, then that might have given her the initiative to just go ahead and do it.

No one wants to be in a relationship with someone who is always hinting at leaving - perhaps that may be why she isn't as present as you'd like her to be on top of the distance.

Just out of curiosity, you've been dating for four years - have you two ever talked about living together? That would obviously rectify the need/desire for closeness, but I agree with Angst that you also need to establish your own independence so that you don't become codependent upon her.

 

[BradGuy123]

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I don't have any advice for you other than to tell you you're not alone. I've lost a relationship myself and I know the pain of that is very real and deep. I've also lost my father. I think about him every day.

 

[SadGirl]

If you are frequently talking about or threatening to break up, then that might have given her the initiative to just go ahead and do it.

No one wants to be in a relationship with someone who is always hinting at leaving - perhaps that may be why she isn't as present as you'd like her to be on top of the distance.

Just out of curiosity, you've been dating for four years - have you two ever talked about living together? That would obviously rectify the need/desire for closeness, but I agree with Angst that you also need to establish your own independence so that you don't become codependent upon her.

I always talked about breaking up, but when she said it (but we're together, we didn't even break up) my panic attack gave me an "advantage." But I actually had a panic attack, just crying, I couldn't breathe, and I had these attacks about three times last weekend. Well, we're doing pretty well now, and yes, we talk a lot. It's because she helps me financially, and because I have ADHD, especially, I often can't adapt or get fired in less than three months. And I can't save money, which is why she gets so angry and exhausted. I want to and will change my ways, but I hope she changes too. Today we talk on the phone. It was nice. I think we'll get along over time, almost four years together.