I'm 20y now, and reached this conclusion when I was 14-16
I realized that I would need something to give meaning to my life (for the long haul) for when my parents pass away. First I tried having hobbies, then self-knowledge (which really helps and is cool, but doesn't hold things up 100% of the time). Then, around 17-18, when I realized there was no other way out and I probably wouldn't be able to find something that gave me meaning in time, I "gave up" on searching and accepted that the best I could do was to live as decently as possible until then.
But then that devil (my ex) found me. and as bad as it was, it gave me an extra sense of purpose. I realized that most people are actually right: relationships are the fastest way for you to find meaning in your life LOL. Btw I have a theory that a huge portion of people only have kids/get married to have that kind of meaning; that would explain all these people who hate their own marriage and their own family.
I'm not saying that other things like hobbies and self-discovery don't help, but I know myself, and I know that this probably wouldn't hold me 100% of the time. Like, Idk... In a future scenario when everyone I care about dies, I'm stuck in some shitty job, everything is going wrong. If I have a gun at home, I am 99% sure that no philosophical passage or song I like is going to stop me during that 20 to 50-minute window of extreme intrusive thoughts.
It may sound super cringe, mostly because it was an online relationship, but during that year when my entire life was an infernal mess, the fact that my mom was alive stopped me from trying anything—obviously, that was the primary factor. But in those moments I also thought about my gf, thought that she would be sad and all, and that we would still have a good future together, so it stopped being worth doing it.
Only there's also a problem: most people can do that whole thing of marrying someone they don't love just to not feel empty, but I can't LOL. So I would have to find someone I TRULY like, and it's really hard for me to relate to people. So it's VERY rare to find someone I truly like who also connects well with me. And I know what you're going to say "It's just emotional dependency!!!
" but it's not. It's more of a mental calculation that makes sense FOR ME.
*If my life is going well, yay, awesome, I hope it stays that way.*
But if it gets VERY bad (completely normal. Shit happens to everyone) and I don't find some greater purpose to live for, I know that with access I'll end up ending everything—I'm not saying that LOVE is the ONLY thing that would give me meaning, I'm just saying it's THE EASIEST AND FASTEST. It's basically in the DNA of any human being. But yeah, it could be that out of nowhere, even without having anyone, I might suddenly find a sport I love, or a hobby like that; that's why I'm envious of Andrew from Whiplash, for example, LOL, or anyone like that.
Btw I also 1 month way of probably being diagnosed with autism
I realized that I would need something to give meaning to my life (for the long haul) for when my parents pass away. First I tried having hobbies, then self-knowledge (which really helps and is cool, but doesn't hold things up 100% of the time). Then, around 17-18, when I realized there was no other way out and I probably wouldn't be able to find something that gave me meaning in time, I "gave up" on searching and accepted that the best I could do was to live as decently as possible until then.
But then that devil (my ex) found me. and as bad as it was, it gave me an extra sense of purpose. I realized that most people are actually right: relationships are the fastest way for you to find meaning in your life LOL. Btw I have a theory that a huge portion of people only have kids/get married to have that kind of meaning; that would explain all these people who hate their own marriage and their own family.
I'm not saying that other things like hobbies and self-discovery don't help, but I know myself, and I know that this probably wouldn't hold me 100% of the time. Like, Idk... In a future scenario when everyone I care about dies, I'm stuck in some shitty job, everything is going wrong. If I have a gun at home, I am 99% sure that no philosophical passage or song I like is going to stop me during that 20 to 50-minute window of extreme intrusive thoughts.
It may sound super cringe, mostly because it was an online relationship, but during that year when my entire life was an infernal mess, the fact that my mom was alive stopped me from trying anything—obviously, that was the primary factor. But in those moments I also thought about my gf, thought that she would be sad and all, and that we would still have a good future together, so it stopped being worth doing it.
Only there's also a problem: most people can do that whole thing of marrying someone they don't love just to not feel empty, but I can't LOL. So I would have to find someone I TRULY like, and it's really hard for me to relate to people. So it's VERY rare to find someone I truly like who also connects well with me. And I know what you're going to say "It's just emotional dependency!!!
" but it's not. It's more of a mental calculation that makes sense FOR ME.*If my life is going well, yay, awesome, I hope it stays that way.*
But if it gets VERY bad (completely normal. Shit happens to everyone) and I don't find some greater purpose to live for, I know that with access I'll end up ending everything—I'm not saying that LOVE is the ONLY thing that would give me meaning, I'm just saying it's THE EASIEST AND FASTEST. It's basically in the DNA of any human being. But yeah, it could be that out of nowhere, even without having anyone, I might suddenly find a sport I love, or a hobby like that; that's why I'm envious of Andrew from Whiplash, for example, LOL, or anyone like that.
Btw I also 1 month way of probably being diagnosed with autism
