My psychiatrist called me brave though I rather feel naive and stupid

[noname223]

She called me brave/valiant because I endure my pain so heroic. I don't mourned when I met her I just described the hell I am going through. Sometimes I cracked a joke how cynical the shit is. I just don't want anymore. I don't want to go to another clinic. I am tired; I am very tired. I tried so hard to recover I think barely anyone would spend so much time and energy for recovery. I dedicate my whole energy to it. I actively try to take breaks. It is so fucking hopeless. She never asks me about suicidal thoughts which is quite weird.

I want to die. I am not sure whether I will act on it. I have different possbilities how to do it. I rather think I won't do it soon but I am pretty impulsive currently. Always when I take the train I imagine very vividly how to jump in front of it. But this would be so stupid. There was a story in my country. A mother killed her children (she had a lot) and then jumped in front of an incoming train. She survived it with severe damage. Fuck I would not want to trade shoes with her.

I imagine to order SN. But I absolutely hate doing something illegal. I hate it so much that I even imagine to drive to Eastern Europe where the shit is legal. One last trip sounds attractive for me. Moreover my family would not have to find my body.

I could also kill me with Amitriptyline. I have a huge amount of pills here. But my family should be not at home when I take it. There are some disadvantages with Amitripytiline. I won't elaborate on that.

Jumping in front of a train does not sound like a smart idea especially when it is impulsive. I think I only could do this impulsively.

I am sick of fighting. I am just so sick of it. I don't get much reward for it. My psychologist is so naive. He really was very optimistic about my case. I was pretty sure that this is not true but I have not told him about that. We don't have many appointments anymore. I don't want to leave him with a bad feeling. Two other therapists already have given up on me/ think I am going to kill myself. He at least tried to help me. I like him. But he is way too optimistic. He even thinks almost any problem could be solved by behavioral therapy. I told him I barely can relax even if I take benzos. He told me medication cannot be the solution. I should try some techniques to relax. This is quite a joke. If a fucking benzo can't make me relax there is no behavioral technique which will help.

Just fuck it. I am sick of overthinking. Everything just repeats and the tiny hope gets smaller and smaller with every step I take. My life humiliates me. I want my dignity back. Life just spits in my face. My life wants me to drive to suicide. The last incidents concerning women just demonstrated me what ill bastard I am. I try to hurt my mom with my words the most I can. I think she is quite hurt. I should not give a fuck. The bad experiences with women hurt me in such a very deep way. This is one of the worst feelings I know. I try not to think too much about it. I could cry again.

I just imagine all the people who are already dead. And I would be one of them. I naively dream of seeing them again. Talking with them how it felt to kill oneself. How dying feels.

I am so sick of fighting but I am not sure whether I would kill myself now if I gave up. Maybe I would just postpone it as always. Trying desperately to run away from my fate.

It feels so naive/stupid to cling to my tiny hope. It would need a bigger miracle to save me. Life is often just not like a movie. There is not always an happy end. I don't think there will be an happy end for me.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

She's just happy that you're still around so you go to her therapy sessions and she still gets paid for it.

Yeah, I am a bit cynical.

I am sorry you are feeling the way you do, though :(

 

[hungry]

Do you feel brave? From what I understand reading your post, you don't, and it's probably very frustrating that that's what the psychiatrist is focusing on, instead of more salient issues (like the pain at hand).

I will say that even if you feel like shit, the very fact that you DID try would qualify you as brave (to me, not that that may matter very much to you). Unfortunately you can do things which take a lot of effort and still feel like shit for it at the same time, so it doesn't really feel brave (at least not like how the movies paints the picture of bravery being). 100% agree with you that life is not just like the movies; that would be just unrealistic.

At the very least, though, I admire that you are trying very hard, and that you put in so much energy to try and recover, to take breaks, and to even reach out to different therapists. This all takes a lot of energy and is very difficult! I would be very tired too in your case.

You mention you feel naive/stupid for clinging to your tiny hope; may I ask what that hope is?

Oh and lastly, if you are able to be alone/in a safe place, it's okay to cry again/sit with the pain of the fact that things are just... shit. After all, if things will be terrible anyways, this could be one of the things you try.

 

[noname223]

Do you feel brave? From what I understand reading your post, you don't, and it's probably very frustrating that that's what the psychiatrist is focusing on, instead of more salient issues (like the pain at hand).

I will say that even if you feel like shit, the very fact that you DID try would qualify you as brave (to me, not that that may matter very much to you). Unfortunately you can do things which take a lot of effort and still feel like shit for it at the same time, so it doesn't really feel brave (at least not like how the movies paints the picture of bravery being). 100% agree with you that life is not just like the movies; that would be just unrealistic.

At the very least, though, I admire that you are trying very hard, and that you put in so much energy to try and recover, to take breaks, and to even reach out to different therapists. This all takes a lot of energy and is very difficult! I would be very tired too in your case.

You mention you feel naive/stupid for clinging to your tiny hope; may I ask what that hope is?

Oh and lastly, if you are able to be alone/in a safe place, it's okay to cry again/sit with the pain of the fact that things are just... shit. After all, if things will be terrible anyways, this could be one of the things you try.

I am not sure whether brave is the right translation. Being brave can have different meanings. It was meant like the words valorous or pluckly. I would say if we use these term she is right. But if it is meant like the term courageous it does not really fit me.

I have different hopes. Getting my college degree in order to get a stable income. Seems pretty unreachable.

Getting a girlfriend. Also not very likely.

I am not in the mood for explaining this charade in detail. I am not all alone. I have some very good friends. But they know that my situation is very hopeless.

She at least tried to give me a good feeling. I appreciated it. Though assisted suicide is not illegal anymore in my country. I would have prefered we could openly discuss that option. But I know her stance that this is not possible.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are suffering so much, it sounds unbearable what you are going through. Life really is so cruel and unfair. I could never ctb by train personally, it sounds like an awful way to go. I think that someone must be really desperate to ctb by that method. I wish you the best in whatever happens.