My plan…

[Catchthebusnow]

So it's not ideal but I guess it's never perfect.
I need to CTB asap. I live with my parents who watch me very carefully. My plan is to:
1. I've identified several Airbnb properties near me that are upper floors, like 20th floor, with balconies. I want to jump. Originally I wanted to jump from a parking garage or bridge or other high location but the problem is that I am extremely physically weak and have extremely weak wrists with carpal tunnel / tendinitis. Even a standard 42" barrier, I couldn't see how to get over it. I'm five feet. Am I missing something? So frustrating because I would read all these stories of people CTB'ing at all these different places and I'd check it out and there were places that didn't even have suicide fencing but I don't see any way I can possibly get over even a standard barrier! Unless I'm missing something? I mean I would read stories of older people CTB'ing off these things and they can't be very strong, right? Or maybe I'm just abnormally weak :( anyway so that pretty much eliminated any public jumping spot cuz any high spot is gonna have at least the standard railings right?? This rules out SO MANY OPTIONS!! It's so frustrating cuz I literally have no issues / hesitation / SI / fear about the jump itself it's just my stupid wrists! It's just getting over the barrier, like I have no qualms about the jump!
So then I have to do something a little trickier and more complicated. Idk if this is doomed to fail so I'm hoping someone can sanity check me. I CANNOT FAIL! So my plan is to wait until my mom goes out of town which she does every several months. Because I think she's more likely to hear me sneaking out than my dad. I'm gonna keep looking for AirBNB options till I have a massive list, such that once she announces her plans to go I can do a booking hoping at least one is available. It does seem like some looking at the availability now for instance aren't filled out for months and months or anything like that … And maybe by that time there'll be more available / I can look for more. So I have a bank account they have access to, and one they don't - they know about it but can't see it. It's a savings account so I guess I'll use Apple wallet or PayPal to pay for the Airbnb? Then I would have to be able to check in to the Airbnb in the middle of the night (I think a lot have some kind of self check in?) cuz the plan would be wait till my dads asleep, book an Uber, sneak out, get to the place, check in…from there hoping it'll be pretty simple, quickly grab a chair bring it over to the balcony railing, on chair, jump, done. All before my dad wakes up.

 

[tonicer]

Do you really want to leave your parents behind? I (43m) also plan on jumping but only after my parents are gone. Both are old (~80) and not in the best of health especially my dad he might die any day now and my mom has at best 10 years left. I am a patient person and my parents were always good to me. Are your parents not good to you? Loosing their child is going to be a huge trauma i wouldn't wish on my biggest enemy.

 

[nikolagorbachev]

Quite risky and if you fuck up you might end up paralysed. The better alternative would be, my personal favourite, using Nitrogen Asphyxiation and an exit bag. I understand you want to CTB asap but so do I. But I'd recommend you look into this method instead of jumping.

 

[Catchthebusnow]

Do you really want to leave your parents behind? I (43m) also plan on jumping but only after my parents are gone. Both are old (~80) and not in the best of health especially my dad he might die any day now and my mom has at best 10 years left. I am a patient person and my parents were always good to me. Are your parents not good to you? Loosing their child is going to be a huge trauma i wouldn't wish on my biggest enemy.

I know. My parents are the most amazing people in the world. The reason I'm doing this is because I am suffering - have been suffering - from a condition that is not really talked about, PSSD. Despite the name it is far more than enduring sexual symptoms after taking SSRIs. The condition was first called that because that was the first enduring symptom people reported. There's talks to change the name, because that's just the tip of the iceberg. Believe me if that was all it was for me I would not be CTB'ing. Basically, before I took the SSRI I was an Ivy League student with mild anxiety. now, I'm not even taking the SSRI anymore, but what happens is in a susceptible subsection of those who take SSRIs, it triggers changes that are severe and often irreversible. Basically, far from just increasing serotonin, SSRIs act in ways that even those who study them don't fully understand. The brain is so complex, and SSRIs can cause widespread receptor desensitization, alterations in signaling networks, affecting vast and varied regions of the brain, impacting a whole host of other neurotransmitters beyond serotonin, because everything is connected, and the brain will up regulate, down regulate, do all sorts of things to try to push back continually against the SSRI acting on it. One thing gets suppressed / dialed down which in turn affects another thing, and so on so forth. There is so much we don't know about these drugs … and basically what happens in PSSD is like an extreme enduring form of the emotional blunting that many people get on the SSRI. The SSRI has altered my very self. It has completely extinguished my emotions. It turned them off. Completely. I wasn't like this before. I experience zero emotions. Zero. Zip. No feeling of love, compassion, empathy, joy, sadness, fight or flight, anxiety, panic, stress, anger. Nothing. It's hard to comprehend unless you are experiencing it. Instead, my brain remains locked in a never ending horrific chemical nothingness state imposed on me against my will. Because it's all neurochemical. I'm not choosing this. I'm not choosing to have it such that someone can be suffering in front of me and I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. I can't cry. I can't laugh. I can't think. I don't feel. My brain is numb. I feel a constant sensation of a block of cement with pinching heavy pressure behind my forehead and burning, stabbing needle-like crawling sensations throughout my brain. And I don't even take the drug anymore. It's thought that it's because the changes occur at the epigenetic level, which means they often just … persist. And, that means that there aren't good treatments for it, because we can't just unwind these types of changes in the brain at the level of tons of domino effect changes on neurotransmitters, receptors, signaling, networks, etc. Literally people will just say uh…wait and see maybe you'll get a tiny bit back, maybe not. like…what??

I'm literally not human because of this life wrecking drug. If you go online you can read so many stories of people on the websites of organizations and how this happened to them. I would rather have anything over this. Horrible depression, anxiety, basically if you said to me would you rather have the most horrible imaginable physical or mental pain that is possible to inflict on a human over this, I would say yes in a heartbeat. I can't live in a state where my brain and body literally do not react, do not generate emotions, to anything, to anyone, any situation, nothing. It's like just being something that can move and is alive but that's it. On top of that because emotions are so important to cognition, many PSSD sufferers suffer from horrific cognitive effects as well. I can sound coherent and then immediately forget what I just did, said, things that just happened. My cognition is wrecked. I cannot work, I cannot feel emotions. And basically PSSD sufferers end up either trying various remedies for decades while they alienate everyone around them because who can understand this? It's like oh try to do something that makes you feel positive - my brain does not generate positive emotions anymore. It used to - for dogs, music, hobbies, friends, family, etc. But now, it just feels that same unchanging unyielding chemical nothingness. I'm not down. I'm not sad I'm not depressed. My brain doesn't generate negative emotions either. It's an absence. There's no body sensation. This condition often causes physical symptoms some of which are shared with conditions like long covid, like the dulling of senses. My body is numb, like I can't feel sensations. I don't feel temperature or texture. I don't feel hungry or full or thirsty. I can't even feel my own heartbeat, I don't feel internal body sensations. My sense of smell and taste have been dulled to nearly non existent, my vision is always dulled and cloudy, and my hearing is like being underwater. I will not live this way, where each day is like an inhuman nightmare that yet doesn't feel like a nightmare because I can't even feel distressed about my own inability to feel distress. It's like, I feel totally calm about the fact that I have no emotions, it can't even trigger an emotion. The whole thing is so messed up. My parents are trying to understand but what kind of relationship are we going to have ten, twenty years down the line, what kind of relationship does one have with someone who is incapable of feeling human emotion? Who can't get excited, feel joy, feel sad, experience grief, mourn, experience fear? I can't really fully explain or capture what this state is, but basically if it was anything else I would not be doing this. I can't think my way out of this, I can't take a drug to make it go away, I can't talk to my loved ones or be grateful or be positive or any of those things that people rely on for depression and anxiety because this is a different beast entirely. It has destroyed my entire being, my soul, my personality, ME. I look in the mirror and don't recognize who I am. Im not a person. Im not going to continue on in this inhuman state imposed on me against my will. I know my parents will be devastated, but me going on like this will be kind of like me being dead for decades while still technically alive - devastating too, I think more so, actually. At least now I can do one thing for myself and leave, while people still remember who I was before this happened … and the crazy thing too is that I don't even feel the rage and sadness and guilt and terror and depression and desperation that people generally feel, that fuels them to CTB. This apathy and indifference actually makes it hard to implement any kind of plan because my body doesn't generate any stress response, fight or flight, adrenaline (it sounds crazy but this is what happens to people, people with PSSD report feeling totally calm in life threatening situations, because the brain and body are numbed out) but i actually think the one way this will come in handy is for the jump, since i wont get any feeling of fear or terror or "jelly" feeling about it. Oh and also this isn't an impulsive thing - it's been a long time coming. I can't feel anything for my parents, my parents who when I was younger just the thought of something happening to them would send me into spasms, now it's like something could happen to them and I would feel nothing because of what this drug did to my brain. It's basically a chemical lobotomy. This is the right path for me, I can't change the past if I could obviously I never would have touched the stuff, but I can control my future. And I'm not going to spend years and years trying this experimental thing, that experimental thing, only to have one make things worse (if that's even possible) I mean PSSD sufferers literally try hundreds of experimental treatments that's what their life becomes, and even that has a slim chance of even getting back a small portion of the way they were pre-SSRI. I choose no to that, I'm choosing CTB while I can. And in a weird way as I said I actually think the alternative would be worse for my parents, because PSSD is so … like it makes you so alien from humanity that I actually think having that drag on and on would be worse for my parents. Like not understanding fully what's happened to me and not being able to fix it and not even being able to like offer love and comfort because I can't feel their love and comfort.

 

[Catchthebusnow]

Quite risky and if you fuck up you might end up paralysed. The better alternative would be, my personal favourite, using Nitrogen Asphyxiation and an exit bag. I understand you want to CTB asap but so do I. But I'd recommend you look into this method instead of jumping.

It just, like I've also considered hanging but that felt riskier to me. Cuz it feels so hard to get technically right that I thought what if I do it in the night so it's not like I get discovered or anything, but I do it wrong and end up with some kind of damage where it's obvious I tried to CTB and then I'll be committed and lose any chance to try again…like what if once I go unconscious I do something and it messes the whole thing up …
and the whole process of obtaining N/SN seemed risky too like the dark web and then if they show up to the house for a wellness check?? And then again if I do something while unconscious that messes the whole thing up but some damage has been done such that it's obvious I tried to CTB?
That's why I liked jumping…and I thought 20th floor would be pretty much fatal? It just felt quick and final, nothing to mess up, no technical knowledge needed. Like as long as I can make it to the Airbnb, from the minute I step into it, CTB can be over in minutes … that is so appealing

 

[tonicer]

I know. My parents are the most amazing people in the world. The reason I'm doing this is because I am suffering - have been suffering - from a condition that is not really talked about, PSSD. Despite the name it is far more than enduring sexual symptoms after taking SSRIs. The condition was first called that because that was the first enduring symptom people reported. There's talks to change the name, because that's just the tip of the iceberg. Believe me if that was all it was for me I would not be CTB'ing. Basically, before I took the SSRI I was an Ivy League student with mild anxiety. now, I'm not even taking the SSRI anymore, but what happens is in a susceptible subsection of those who take SSRIs, it triggers changes that are severe and often irreversible. Basically, far from just increasing serotonin, SSRIs act in ways that even those who study them don't fully understand. The brain is so complex, and SSRIs can cause widespread receptor desensitization, alterations in signaling networks, affecting vast and varied regions of the brain, impacting a whole host of other neurotransmitters beyond serotonin, because everything is connected, and the brain will up regulate, down regulate, do all sorts of things to try to push back continually against the SSRI acting on it. One thing gets suppressed / dialed down which in turn affects another thing, and so on so forth. There is so much we don't know about these drugs … and basically what happens in PSSD is like an extreme enduring form of the emotional blunting that many people get on the SSRI. The SSRI has altered my very self. It has completely extinguished my emotions. It turned them off. Completely. I wasn't like this before. I experience zero emotions. Zero. Zip. No feeling of love, compassion, empathy, joy, sadness, fight or flight, anxiety, panic, stress, anger. Nothing. It's hard to comprehend unless you are experiencing it. Instead, my brain remains locked in a never ending horrific chemical nothingness state imposed on me against my will. Because it's all neurochemical. I'm not choosing this. I'm not choosing to have it such that someone can be suffering in front of me and I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. I can't cry. I can't laugh. I can't think. I don't feel. My brain is numb. I feel a constant sensation of a block of cement with pinching heavy pressure behind my forehead and burning, stabbing needle-like crawling sensations throughout my brain. And I don't even take the drug anymore. It's thought that it's because the changes occur at the epigenetic level, which means they often just … persist. And, that means that there aren't good treatments for it, because we can't just unwind these types of changes in the brain at the level of tons of domino effect changes on neurotransmitters, receptors, signaling, networks, etc. Literally people will just say uh…wait and see maybe you'll get a tiny bit back, maybe not. like…what??

I'm literally not human because of this life wrecking drug. If you go online you can read so many stories of people on the websites of organizations and how this happened to them. I would rather have anything over this. Horrible depression, anxiety, basically if you said to me would you rather have the most horrible imaginable physical or mental pain that is possible to inflict on a human over this, I would say yes in a heartbeat. I can't live in a state where my brain and body literally do not react, do not generate emotions, to anything, to anyone, any situation, nothing. It's like just being something that can move and is alive but that's it. On top of that because emotions are so important to cognition, many PSSD sufferers suffer from horrific cognitive effects as well. I can sound coherent and then immediately forget what I just did, said, things that just happened. My cognition is wrecked. I cannot work, I cannot feel emotions. And basically PSSD sufferers end up either trying various remedies for decades while they alienate everyone around them because who can understand this? It's like oh try to do something that makes you feel positive - my brain does not generate positive emotions anymore. It used to - for dogs, music, hobbies, friends, family, etc. But now, it just feels that same unchanging unyielding chemical nothingness. I'm not down. I'm not sad I'm not depressed. My brain doesn't generate negative emotions either. It's an absence. There's no body sensation. This condition often causes physical symptoms some of which are shared with conditions like long covid, like the dulling of senses. My body is numb, like I can't feel sensations. I don't feel temperature or texture. I don't feel hungry or full or thirsty. I can't even feel my own heartbeat, I don't feel internal body sensations. My sense of smell and taste have been dulled to nearly non existent, my vision is always dulled and cloudy, and my hearing is like being underwater. I will not live this way, where each day is like an inhuman nightmare that yet doesn't feel like a nightmare because I can't even feel distressed about my own inability to feel distress. It's like, I feel totally calm about the fact that I have no emotions, it can't even trigger an emotion. The whole thing is so messed up. My parents are trying to understand but what kind of relationship are we going to have ten, twenty years down the line, what kind of relationship does one have with someone who is incapable of feeling human emotion? Who can't get excited, feel joy, feel sad, experience grief, mourn, experience fear? I can't really fully explain or capture what this state is, but basically if it was anything else I would not be doing this. I can't think my way out of this, I can't take a drug to make it go away, I can't talk to my loved ones or be grateful or be positive or any of those things that people rely on for depression and anxiety because this is a different beast entirely. It has destroyed my entire being, my soul, my personality, ME. I look in the mirror and don't recognize who I am. Im not a person. Im not going to continue on in this inhuman state imposed on me against my will. I know my parents will be devastated, but me going on like this will be kind of like me being dead for decades while still technically alive - devastating too, I think more so, actually. At least now I can do one thing for myself and leave, while people still remember who I was before this happened … and the crazy thing too is that I don't even feel the rage and sadness and guilt and terror and depression and desperation that people generally feel, that fuels them to CTB. This apathy and indifference actually makes it hard to implement any kind of plan because my body doesn't generate any stress response, fight or flight, adrenaline (it sounds crazy but this is what happens to people, people with PSSD report feeling totally calm in life threatening situations, because the brain and body are numbed out) but i actually think the one way this will come in handy is for the jump, since i wont get any feeling of fear or terror or "jelly" feeling about it. Oh and also this isn't an impulsive thing - it's been a long time coming. I can't feel anything for my parents, my parents who when I was younger just the thought of something happening to them would send me into spasms, now it's like something could happen to them and I would feel nothing because of what this drug did to my brain. It's basically a chemical lobotomy. This is the right path for me, I can't change the past if I could obviously I never would have touched the stuff, but I can control my future. And I'm not going to spend years and years trying this experimental thing, that experimental thing, only to have one make things worse (if that's even possible) I mean PSSD sufferers literally try hundreds of experimental treatments that's what their life becomes, and even that has a slim chance of even getting back a small portion of the way they were pre-SSRI. I choose no to that, I'm choosing CTB while I can. And in a weird way as I said I actually think the alternative would be worse for my parents, because PSSD is so … like it makes you so alien from humanity that I actually think having that drag on and on would be worse for my parents. Like not understanding fully what's happened to me and not being able to fix it and not even being able to like offer love and comfort because I can't feel their love and comfort.

That's truly terrible, it's like you are already dead on the inside. Besides that you sound like you know a lot about this topic and researched it thoroughly.
While i can't feel joy or happiness anymore for some reason i still feel angry or sad or hungry etc. but that appears to be something else entirely since i never took such drugs.
I guess you are right and there is no other way out of this.
I hope your plan works and you find the peace you seek. <3

 

[Catchthebusnow]

That's truly terrible, it's like you are already dead on the inside. Besides that you sound like you know a lot about this topic and researched it thoroughly.
While i can't feel joy or happiness anymore for some reason i still feel angry or sad or hungry etc. but that appears to be something else entirely since i never took such drugs.
I guess you are right and there is no other way out of this.
I hope your plan works and you find the peace you seek. <3

Thank you so so much. I truly have considered this from every angle. There's a reason so many PSSD sufferers end up turning to suicide - they've already basically died. It's truly messed up that I can't even feel distressed or upset about what's happened to me. This drug took my soul. The interesting thing is that I'm not CTB'ing to escape pain. I'm doing it to escape a state where I have been rendered neurochemically incapable of experiencing pain, like in the type of way that makes us human.
If you don't mind me asking, since you said you are also wanting to jump - do you have any thoughts on my plan? I really really really need to succeed. Thank you so much

 

[tonicer]

If you don't mind me asking, since you said you are also wanting to jump - do you have any thoughts on my plan? I really really really need to succeed. Thank you so much

I think your plan sounds good. Sad to see such a smart person go but if you see no other way i hope the afterlife treats you well. Maybe send me sign if you can. I am fascinated by what happens next. Is it all just a simulation or a dream or what?!

 

[Catchthebusnow]

I think your plan sounds good. Sad to see such a smart person go but if you see no other way i hope the afterlife treats you well. Maybe send me sign if you can. I am fascinated by what happens next. Is it all just a simulation or a dream or what?!

Thank you! I will lol! Really appreciate everyone here. I hope everyone here gets what they are seeking

 

[tbaslim1968]

I feel your pain. Suffering from PSSD myself. I hope you find your peace.

 

[Catchthebusnow]

I feel your pain. Suffering from PSSD myself. I hope you find your peace.

Thank you so much. PSSD is brutal.

 

[tbaslim1968]

PSSD is a fucking misery. My life force has been robbed of me.

 

[rainy.tears]

It's wild how quickly your life can change. I have a very PSSD-like condition (severe anhedonia and chronic fatigue) from a single dose of MDMA and it really feels like my soul got taken from me. I feel like living dead forced to carry on and watch everyone be alive. I was studying at a top university, had my whole life ahead of me and then BAM. People don't understand at all, trying to explain extreme anhedonia to someone who has never experienced it is just impossible. Seeing people laugh and joke and be happy is heartbreaking cos I just feel like I'm trapped inside a glass cage, shut out from the world.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope you manage to get out and get some relief.

I have a few questions, just about minimising the harm done to other people. Is there any way that you could let your parents know how you're feeling and give them some indication that you are thinking of ending your life? Perhaps this could help give them understanding and make it a bit easier for them when you go. The grief and pain caused to loved ones, especially family, is my biggest reason for staying at the moment and I'm trying to explain to them as much as I can how awful the state I live in is, just so that when I go they at least are able to understand a little. I'm wondering if that might be possible for you?

Finally, what will you do to make sure you don't hurt anyone upon landing? That would be my biggest worry about jumping.

 

[madameviolette]

I know. My parents are the most amazing people in the world. The reason I'm doing this is because I am suffering - have been suffering - from a condition that is not really talked about, PSSD. Despite the name it is far more than enduring sexual symptoms after taking SSRIs. The condition was first called that because that was the first enduring symptom people reported. There's talks to change the name, because that's just the tip of the iceberg. Believe me if that was all it was for me I would not be CTB'ing. Basically, before I took the SSRI I was an Ivy League student with mild anxiety. now, I'm not even taking the SSRI anymore, but what happens is in a susceptible subsection of those who take SSRIs, it triggers changes that are severe and often irreversible. Basically, far from just increasing serotonin, SSRIs act in ways that even those who study them don't fully understand. The brain is so complex, and SSRIs can cause widespread receptor desensitization, alterations in signaling networks, affecting vast and varied regions of the brain, impacting a whole host of other neurotransmitters beyond serotonin, because everything is connected, and the brain will up regulate, down regulate, do all sorts of things to try to push back continually against the SSRI acting on it. One thing gets suppressed / dialed down which in turn affects another thing, and so on so forth. There is so much we don't know about these drugs … and basically what happens in PSSD is like an extreme enduring form of the emotional blunting that many people get on the SSRI. The SSRI has altered my very self. It has completely extinguished my emotions. It turned them off. Completely. I wasn't like this before. I experience zero emotions. Zero. Zip. No feeling of love, compassion, empathy, joy, sadness, fight or flight, anxiety, panic, stress, anger. Nothing. It's hard to comprehend unless you are experiencing it. Instead, my brain remains locked in a never ending horrific chemical nothingness state imposed on me against my will. Because it's all neurochemical. I'm not choosing this. I'm not choosing to have it such that someone can be suffering in front of me and I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. I can't cry. I can't laugh. I can't think. I don't feel. My brain is numb. I feel a constant sensation of a block of cement with pinching heavy pressure behind my forehead and burning, stabbing needle-like crawling sensations throughout my brain. And I don't even take the drug anymore. It's thought that it's because the changes occur at the epigenetic level, which means they often just … persist. And, that means that there aren't good treatments for it, because we can't just unwind these types of changes in the brain at the level of tons of domino effect changes on neurotransmitters, receptors, signaling, networks, etc. Literally people will just say uh…wait and see maybe you'll get a tiny bit back, maybe not. like…what??

I'm literally not human because of this life wrecking drug. If you go online you can read so many stories of people on the websites of organizations and how this happened to them. I would rather have anything over this. Horrible depression, anxiety, basically if you said to me would you rather have the most horrible imaginable physical or mental pain that is possible to inflict on a human over this, I would say yes in a heartbeat. I can't live in a state where my brain and body literally do not react, do not generate emotions, to anything, to anyone, any situation, nothing. It's like just being something that can move and is alive but that's it. On top of that because emotions are so important to cognition, many PSSD sufferers suffer from horrific cognitive effects as well. I can sound coherent and then immediately forget what I just did, said, things that just happened. My cognition is wrecked. I cannot work, I cannot feel emotions. And basically PSSD sufferers end up either trying various remedies for decades while they alienate everyone around them because who can understand this? It's like oh try to do something that makes you feel positive - my brain does not generate positive emotions anymore. It used to - for dogs, music, hobbies, friends, family, etc. But now, it just feels that same unchanging unyielding chemical nothingness. I'm not down. I'm not sad I'm not depressed. My brain doesn't generate negative emotions either. It's an absence. There's no body sensation. This condition often causes physical symptoms some of which are shared with conditions like long covid, like the dulling of senses. My body is numb, like I can't feel sensations. I don't feel temperature or texture. I don't feel hungry or full or thirsty. I can't even feel my own heartbeat, I don't feel internal body sensations. My sense of smell and taste have been dulled to nearly non existent, my vision is always dulled and cloudy, and my hearing is like being underwater. I will not live this way, where each day is like an inhuman nightmare that yet doesn't feel like a nightmare because I can't even feel distressed about my own inability to feel distress. It's like, I feel totally calm about the fact that I have no emotions, it can't even trigger an emotion. The whole thing is so messed up. My parents are trying to understand but what kind of relationship are we going to have ten, twenty years down the line, what kind of relationship does one have with someone who is incapable of feeling human emotion? Who can't get excited, feel joy, feel sad, experience grief, mourn, experience fear? I can't really fully explain or capture what this state is, but basically if it was anything else I would not be doing this. I can't think my way out of this, I can't take a drug to make it go away, I can't talk to my loved ones or be grateful or be positive or any of those things that people rely on for depression and anxiety because this is a different beast entirely. It has destroyed my entire being, my soul, my personality, ME. I look in the mirror and don't recognize who I am. Im not a person. Im not going to continue on in this inhuman state imposed on me against my will. I know my parents will be devastated, but me going on like this will be kind of like me being dead for decades while still technically alive - devastating too, I think more so, actually. At least now I can do one thing for myself and leave, while people still remember who I was before this happened … and the crazy thing too is that I don't even feel the rage and sadness and guilt and terror and depression and desperation that people generally feel, that fuels them to CTB. This apathy and indifference actually makes it hard to implement any kind of plan because my body doesn't generate any stress response, fight or flight, adrenaline (it sounds crazy but this is what happens to people, people with PSSD report feeling totally calm in life threatening situations, because the brain and body are numbed out) but i actually think the one way this will come in handy is for the jump, since i wont get any feeling of fear or terror or "jelly" feeling about it. Oh and also this isn't an impulsive thing - it's been a long time coming. I can't feel anything for my parents, my parents who when I was younger just the thought of something happening to them would send me into spasms, now it's like something could happen to them and I would feel nothing because of what this drug did to my brain. It's basically a chemical lobotomy. This is the right path for me, I can't change the past if I could obviously I never would have touched the stuff, but I can control my future. And I'm not going to spend years and years trying this experimental thing, that experimental thing, only to have one make things worse (if that's even possible) I mean PSSD sufferers literally try hundreds of experimental treatments that's what their life becomes, and even that has a slim chance of even getting back a small portion of the way they were pre-SSRI. I choose no to that, I'm choosing CTB while I can. And in a weird way as I said I actually think the alternative would be worse for my parents, because PSSD is so … like it makes you so alien from humanity that I actually think having that drag on and on would be worse for my parents. Like not understanding fully what's happened to me and not being able to fix it and not even being able to like offer love and comfort because I can't feel their love and comfort.

It's interesting how it affects everyone differently. I was also harmed by psych drugs except I don't experience anhedonia. Instead I have the complete opposite with severe akathisia, I experience all kind of emotions x10, anger, rage, sadness, adrenaline, fear etc. And I have persistent genital arousal disorder from this which is just as unbearable

 

[CoKofi]

Quite risky and if you fuck up you might end up paralysed. The better alternative would be, my personal favourite, using Nitrogen Asphyxiation and an exit bag. I understand you want to CTB asap but so do I. But I'd recommend you look into this method instead of jumping.

How are you going to buy / have access to nitrogen gas?

 

[Catchthebusnow]

It's wild how quickly your life can change. I have a very PSSD-like condition (severe anhedonia and chronic fatigue) from a single dose of MDMA and it really feels like my soul got taken from me. I feel like living dead forced to carry on and watch everyone be alive. I was studying at a top university, had my whole life ahead of me and then BAM. People don't understand at all, trying to explain extreme anhedonia to someone who has never experienced it is just impossible. Seeing people laugh and joke and be happy is heartbreaking cos I just feel like I'm trapped inside a glass cage, shut out from the world.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope you manage to get out and get some relief.

I have a few questions, just about minimising the harm done to other people. Is there any way that you could let your parents know how you're feeling and give them some indication that you are thinking of ending your life? Perhaps this could help give them understanding and make it a bit easier for them when you go. The grief and pain caused to loved ones, especially family, is my biggest reason for staying at the moment and I'm trying to explain to them as much as I can how awful the state I live in is, just so that when I go they at least are able to understand a little. I'm wondering if that might be possible for you?

Finally, what will you do to make sure you don't hurt anyone upon landing? That would be my biggest worry about jumping.

Thank you for your response!!
It's crazy how these things can change everything. Same here, I had my whole life ahead of me, and then my soul, personality, etc. was deleted by what this med did to my brain. Nobody who is not having it happen to them understands, and I wouldn't either if it wasn't happening to me. Our brains are our entire beings and identities, and when things mess with them - we're not choosing to be this way, we literally cannot feel things - it's against our will, because our brains have been altered.

I have tried over and over to explain to my parents. They know that something drastically changed with me, but I don't think they fully understand and I don't blame them. I think they think that I just need therapy but I can't do therapy because I don't have emotions. If I had negative emotions at least I could, but I don't. It's like, the things that usually help people are closed to me. I can't spend time with loved ones or engage in hobbies or pursue interests to feel better because that has all been taken from me…I cannot feel love, joy, sympathy, empathy, compassion, sadness, fear, happiness, so there is no ability to do these things, there just isn't. It's not stubbornness, it's that my brain is not my brain. It truly is mind boggling. And I can't even feel distressed about my condition because I don't experience distress. Every moment is this bizarre chemical "calm" feeling (but not like a good kind of calm, more like this sickly chemical suppressed feeling? Idk how to describe it) that does not change even if my parents are sobbing in front of me, even if people are suffering in front of me, even if I am in a life threatening situation. And this is exactly what people describe happens to them with this condition, because the SSRI, it goes overboard and erases the ability to feel all emotions. I know that this will hurt my parents enormously (that's an understatement), actually I can't even feel guilty or bad about that because I *cant* experience guilt or "bad" feelings. Truly inhuman. I don't think they want to believe it is the medication, because that seems so much more "unfixable." But it is a night and day change, and no, I am not depressed - a clear differentiator between depression and these post-drug syndromes is what I described, that strange chemical calm feeling even in negative, sad, upsetting, painful situations - an inability to feel anxiety, stress response, adrenaline, fear, panic, sadness - which is not characteristic of depression. Depression does numb, but the numbness is often a loss of happiness and there is still sadness. The loss across the spectrum is a different thing. Plus, PSSD comes with its own unique physical symptoms, which I've got. For a year every minute of every day I experience numbness in my brain, a feeling of heavy dull squeezing pressure like a slab of concrete sitting behind my forehead (probably frontal lobe related) and various sensations in different parts of my brain that move around throughout the day. Burning, crawling, feeling of needles stabbing, pinpricking, "itchy" feeling. 24/7. This thing did something crazy to my brain … honestly there is so much about these drugs scientists don't understand, and they are blunt instruments. Everyone's brain is so different, and when a drug comes in and starts messing around with a neurotransmitter as vital as serotonin (which doesn't just affect mood, but lots of other purely physical things as well) tons of downstream pathways get modified and affected, dopamine, norepinephrine, GABA, glutamate, all of these other neurotransmitters change their signaling in response. Entire networks change. It's not just an isolated "more serotonin" kind of thing. I no longer menstruate, whole body is numb, vision is cloudy and dulled, lost sense of smell and taste, hearing is like being underwater.
Probably because of the loss of emotions, it's like all my memories are gone, I have no sense of time or place, severe cognitive issues, lost the ability to visualize, no longer feel hunger or thirst or tiredness or bodily sensations …
Oh I just wish I could turn back time and never took this pill…I wasn't even depressed, I had mild anxiety that could've been dealt with in other ways …I don't think my parents truly understand how bad this is since they're not in my brain … but I think I've done all I can to convey it and parts will still remain confusing. I can't really share that I'm suicidal because then they'll stop me or medicate me more. And honestly, the alternative is for me to remain living in their house, them seeing a zombie every single day, a walking meat sack that cannot love them cannot feel human emotion cannot work (because of the cognitive issues plus emotional anesthesia) cannot contribute to society cannot be human cannot have a life … I think the emotions thing is the worst because if I was disabled and unable to work but still had emotions, I would still be human, but I cannot live in the world without emotions, it's not possible. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that my parents already lost *me* to this drug, *me* doesn't exist anymore. The person who had those interests, those passions, those feelings, those dreams, is gone. Now it's an empty shell. I actually think while CTB will be horrific in the short term, in the long term it would be worse to have your child in this state that you don't fully understand and can't do anything about. They still have a little hope but as more time goes by they'll start to lose that, I can't have a relationship with them without emotions, it will be a million times worse than me CTB'ing. My soul is dead already, this is just taking care of the body. My parents would never be able to live a normal life having their child in this zombie inhuman state, it would permeate their every moment. It would be worse than losing me in this way because with CTB, there's an end, there can be grief, but remaining in this state it's like in limbo.
In terms of not landing on someone, that's definitely something I need to be sure about. I'm planning to do it at night, and make sure there's no one who could wander into the landing spot.

It's interesting how it affects everyone differently. I was also harmed by psych drugs except I don't experience anhedonia. Instead I have the complete opposite with severe akathisia, I experience all kind of emotions x10, anger, rage, sadness, adrenaline, fear etc. And I have persistent genital arousal disorder from this which is just as unbearable

That sounds awful I'm so sorry. It is crazy how it affects people differently. I have heard akathisia is literally the most torturous thing that can happen to a person. That plus PGAD sounds truly unbearable. It's wild how many crazy effects these drugs have that are not told to people before they take them … I know these things don't happen to everyone, but I guess I just wish they weren't promoted as so neutral and harmless, because then it's really hard for someone to weigh the pros and cons. The fact that they can have such wildly different effects shows how mysterious and complex the brain is - and how risky it is to mess with its homeostasis!
Why oh why does CTB have to be so complicated? Why can't there just be a button we can press to end it?

I'm starting to run into some logistical / mechanical issues with my plan. I can't seem to figure out - so basically I have extremely weak wrists from bouts of carpal tunnel, tendinitis, etc. I cannot bear weight on them. I am also extremely physically unfit, weak, etc. I can't do downward dog because I can't put weight on my wrists, for example. So my thought was to book a hotel, and some hotels explicitly say which floors their balcony suites are on so I'll know if it's high enough. I can look at reviews or contact hotel to ensure balcony is accessible/they haven't locked it off for some reason. I'll try to get a feel for the standard furnishings in their suites, look at reviews, I think most nice suites would have some kind of smaller dining table with chairs (I am willing to pay as much as i need to, I have a ton of savings from before I got this post drug condition and although it is wasteful and would obviously be better to leave it to parents, I'm willing to pay extravagant wasteful amounts of money if it'll get me a guaranteed CTB because that's worth its weight in gold). My plan was, so you see I can't get over the 42 inch railing by myself because I'm 5 feet and can't rely on using my wrists to hoist myself. I mean, I can use my hands and all they're not totally nonfunctional it's just I don't want to rely on having to put weight on them. So I figured if I can bring a standard 28" table over to the balcony (or maybe there's one already out there), stand on it, now the railing has effectively become 14 inches. But from there I'm at a loss, and with my condition it's extremely extremely extremely hard to think - I'm having a rough enough time planning this CTB my brain is mush…and I've lost the ability to visualize which makes it super difficult to like visualize these things out? Initially I figured I could just lean over and tip over, but I believe that would cause rotation, I would go inwards, I would splay horizontally, and I could hit the railing below, which could either cause me to fall back onto the balcony below or change my downward path such that I go inwards more, land on a balcony below …

How do people do this? Even someone who can hoist themselves, do people stand on the railing before jumping? But how are they not concerned that they might lose their balance and fall backwards back onto the balcony and hit their head rendering them unable to CTB? Do they sit on the railing? Isn't there the same issue? Won't the brain naturally send wobble/unsteady/unbalanced signals since you're so high up? I just don't get the mechanics of it at all and feel like there's something I'm missing … I don't understand how people aren't concerned they will lose their balance while navigating the railing up there … and how they ensure they are going far enough out horizontally …
This would apply for any jump actually, how do people navigate the railing aspect without being concerned they'll just fall back?

Any thoughts whatsoever, anything would be amazing! Please help SaSu thank you!! I cannot fail I need to CTB for the reasons given above and if I fail my poor brain will be given more drugs by well-meaning people (which I'm not saying they don't help some people, but everyone's brain is super different and for some people for some reason they are devastating…I'm already an emotionless vegetable from psych drugs so who knows what more will do to my brain…and then I would have lost my chance to exit with dignity, while people still remember how I was before the drugs …
I don't have any issue with the SI or hesitation or the jumping part since I don't experience fear or emotions … it's just the logistics. I know nothing is 100%, no method, no plan, and at some point I'm just going to do it, but I'm trying to be as prepared as is possible, and this whole part is confusing to me.

 

[Catchthebusnow]

Why oh why does CTB have to be so complicated? Why can't there just be a button we can press to end it?

I'm starting to run into some logistical / mechanical issues with my plan. I can't seem to figure out - so basically I have extremely weak wrists from bouts of carpal tunnel, tendinitis, etc. I cannot bear weight on them. I am also extremely physically unfit, weak, etc. I can't do downward dog because I can't put weight on my wrists, for example. So my thought was to book a hotel, and some hotels explicitly say which floors their balcony suites are on so I'll know if it's high enough. I can look at reviews or contact hotel to ensure balcony is accessible/they haven't locked it off for some reason. I'll try to get a feel for the standard furnishings in their suites, look at reviews, I think most nice suites would have some kind of smaller dining table with chairs (I am willing to pay as much as i need to, I have a ton of savings from before I got this post drug condition and although it is wasteful and would obviously be better to leave it to parents, I'm willing to pay extravagant wasteful amounts of money if it'll get me a guaranteed CTB because that's worth its weight in gold). My plan was, so you see I can't get over the 42 inch railing by myself because I'm 5 feet and can't rely on using my wrists to hoist myself. I mean, I can use my hands and all they're not totally nonfunctional it's just I don't want to rely on having to put weight on them. So I figured if I can bring a standard 28" table over to the balcony (or maybe there's one already out there), stand on it, now the railing has effectively become 14 inches. But from there I'm at a loss, and with my condition it's extremely extremely extremely hard to think - I'm having a rough enough time planning this CTB my brain is mush…and I've lost the ability to visualize which makes it super difficult to like visualize these things out? Initially I figured I could just lean over and tip over, but I believe that would cause rotation, I would go inwards, I would splay horizontally, and I could hit the railing below, which could either cause me to fall back onto the balcony below or change my downward path such that I go inwards more, land on a balcony below …

How do people do this? Even someone who can hoist themselves, do people stand on the railing before jumping? But how are they not concerned that they might lose their balance and fall backwards back onto the balcony and hit their head rendering them unable to CTB? Do they sit on the railing? Isn't there the same issue? Won't the brain naturally send wobble/unsteady/unbalanced signals since you're so high up? I just don't get the mechanics of it at all and feel like there's something I'm missing … I don't understand how people aren't concerned they will lose their balance while navigating the railing up there … and how they ensure they are going far enough out horizontally …
This would apply for any jump actually, how do people navigate the railing aspect without being concerned they'll just fall back?

Any thoughts whatsoever, anything would be amazing! Please help SaSu thank you!! I cannot fail I need to CTB for the reasons given above and if I fail my poor brain will be given more drugs by well-meaning people (which I'm not saying they don't help some people, but everyone's brain is super different and for some people for some reason they are devastating…I'm already an emotionless vegetable from psych drugs so who knows what more will do to my brain…and then I would have lost my chance to exit with dignity, while people still remember how I was before the drugs …
I don't have any issue with the SI or hesitation or the jumping part since I don't experience fear or emotions … it's just the logistics. I know nothing is 100%, no method, no plan, and at some point I'm just going to do it, but I'm trying to be as prepared as is possible, and this whole part is confusing to me.

 

[rainy.tears]

it's so awful. I wish so badly there was some kind of treatment or cure but the medical field doesn't even acknowledge this stuff even exists or is possible. The gaslighting from doctors is wild.

in terms of your plan, my personal opinion is that jumping is too risky to be honest. I have read too many cases of people surviving with severe physical injuries and paralysis, even from very tall buildings. As you say, you could land on a balcony or something else on the way down. I know there is no fail-proof way to go but the risk of paralysis and then not being physically able to try again is too awful. Other methods might fail but at least if you're not physically disabled by them then you have the ability to try again (upon leaving the psych ward, if you end up being taken there). with jumping there is also the fact that someone needs to clean up your body if you do succeed and that could also be quite traumatic.

SN and hanging are the two options I prefer but I appreciate that they also have risks and difficulties associated with them

 

[Catchthebusnow]

it's so awful. I wish so badly there was some kind of treatment or cure but the medical field doesn't even acknowledge this stuff even exists or is possible. The gaslighting from doctors is wild.

in terms of your plan, my personal opinion is that jumping is too risky to be honest. I have read too many cases of people surviving with severe physical injuries and paralysis, even from very tall buildings. As you say, you could land on a balcony or something else on the way down. I know there is no fail-proof way to go but the risk of paralysis and then not being physically able to try again is too awful. Other methods might fail but at least if you're not physically disabled by them then you have the ability to try again (upon leaving the psych ward, if you end up being taken there). with jumping there is also the fact that someone needs to clean up your body if you do succeed and that could also be quite traumatic.

SN and hanging are the two options I prefer but I appreciate that they also have risks and difficulties associated with them

Thank you so much for your response!!

It really is ! It's like just think about all of the conditions people gaslit people about that turned out to be true … so I wish the medical field was more open to these kinds of things! I do think the tide is turning and people are becoming more aware - I hope? But yes we understand the brain so little so there's just no treatment literally. Like if there was I would do anything.

That makes sense. Those methods definitely have their advantages. I had ruled out hanging because I don't have any anchor points at my house, plus I feel like it would be risky anyway trying to do it in the middle of the night because of loud sounds/thrashing/vocalizations/death rattle. And that was my concern for trying to do it in an hotel room in the night too, I just feel like I can't control what I do when I'm unconscious and I'm going to make a lot of noise and someone will come and cut me down. And I can't obtain SN cuz I live with my parents. I guess I was really hoping that like a 20th floor balcony would be enough..argh. I really love the idea of the finality of it, the quickness, and figure my lack of emotion would mean no fear to stop me from something that would ordinarily to a normal person be terrifying …
I wish there was just a risk free method, because the only thing worse than completing suicide for my parents I'm sure would be attempting and not succeeding. Because if I don't succeed I'm never going to stop trying which means they would spend every minute keeping me from CTB'ing. And they would give up their entire lives to do that, I know they would. There would be no end, no closure. For any of us. I can't believe the world gave me such wonderful parents and then gave me a drug that took away my brain's ability to feel a single emotion for them. Like literally I cannot feel love for them. Joy for them. Sadness for them. Grief for them. This is going to sound horrible but if they died today I would feel exactly the same, the same bizarre chemical calm. No body reaction. No brain reaction. No feelings. Whatsoever. It is a chemical lobotomy. SSRIs take away empathy, take away the ability to cry. I just can't believe it. Our brains are supposed to be the one thing we can control, and then these drugs do things to the brain against our will. I wish I could get my old self back, my old self who would become physically ill at the thought of something happening to my parents. SSRIs are fully acknowledged at this point to cause "emotional blunting" as the way they work - and in some people for some reason it becomes so extreme that it erases everything.
I'm so sorry that you're also suffering long term effects from a drug. It is truly something you never think will happen to you…until it does.

 

[rainy.tears]

Thank you so much for your response!!

It really is ! It's like just think about all of the conditions people gaslit people about that turned out to be true … so I wish the medical field was more open to these kinds of things! I do think the tide is turning and people are becoming more aware - I hope? But yes we understand the brain so little so there's just no treatment literally. Like if there was I would do anything.

That makes sense. Those methods definitely have their advantages. I had ruled out hanging because I don't have any anchor points at my house, plus I feel like it would be risky anyway trying to do it in the middle of the night because of loud sounds/thrashing/vocalizations/death rattle. And that was my concern for trying to do it in an hotel room in the night too, I just feel like I can't control what I do when I'm unconscious and I'm going to make a lot of noise and someone will come and cut me down. And I can't obtain SN cuz I live with my parents. I guess I was really hoping that like a 20th floor balcony would be enough..argh. I really love the idea of the finality of it, the quickness, and figure my lack of emotion would mean no fear to stop me from something that would ordinarily to a normal person be terrifying …
I wish there was just a risk free method, because the only thing worse than completing suicide for my parents I'm sure would be attempting and not succeeding. Because if I don't succeed I'm never going to stop trying which means they would spend every minute keeping me from CTB'ing. And they would give up their entire lives to do that, I know they would. There would be no end, no closure. For any of us. I can't believe the world gave me such wonderful parents and then gave me a drug that took away my brain's ability to feel a single emotion for them. Like literally I cannot feel love for them. Joy for them. Sadness for them. Grief for them. This is going to sound horrible but if they died today I would feel exactly the same, the same bizarre chemical calm. No body reaction. No brain reaction. No feelings. Whatsoever. It is a chemical lobotomy. SSRIs take away empathy, take away the ability to cry. I just can't believe it. Our brains are supposed to be the one thing we can control, and then these drugs do things to the brain against our will. I wish I could get my old self back, my old self who would become physically ill at the thought of something happening to my parents. SSRIs are fully acknowledged at this point to cause "emotional blunting" as the way they work - and in some people for some reason it becomes so extreme that it erases everything.
I'm so sorry that you're also suffering long term effects from a drug. It is truly something you never think will happen to you…until it does.

Yeah it's so damn hard to ctb safely and reliably and humanely. What's your current thinking? My plan is currently fsh but I need to get a rope and I'm really worried I won't be able to go through with it. I know I need to ctb so badly, I can't live with this drug induced hellstate. I just feel so much guilt for my family who don't deserve this at all. But then I don't deserve to have to live with it either and I'm not a functioning human any more.

 

[Catchthebusnow]

Yeah it's so damn hard to ctb safely and reliably and humanely. What's your current thinking? My plan is currently fsh but I need to get a rope and I'm really worried I won't be able to go through with it. I know I need to ctb so badly, I can't live with this drug induced hellstate. I just feel so much guilt for my family who don't deserve this at all. But then I don't deserve to have to live with it either and I'm not a functioning human any more.

It really is!! It's like, when we're in the last place to be able to make intricate, complex plans … I swear, planning a CTB feels like so many variables…
I honestly don't know. I'm still trying to see if I can make jumping work, if there's things I can do to make it work, like choose a hotel with certain types of railings, make a plan for how I will maneuver it once I'm up there …
I've been trying to do "research" (never thought my life would come to a point where I'd be reading about suicide jumping techniques, smh) and I can't believe it when I read these stories about people who literally CTB, by accident, from only a few floors up. Obviously I'm going to ensure I'm at least 150 ft up, but I swear … every day I wish that some freak thing would happen to me and just end everything with certainty …
I feel like FSH would definitely be something I'd do if I didn't have the family constraints. It's a lot of planning and precision to get it right, but it seems really reliable once you do, like as long as you test your anchor, tie your knots right with a good strong rope, and aren't discovered, you should be good. This site has a lot of good resources for it too. It's great to be able to talk about this stuff freely, to feel like we can make this choice for ourselves.
It's so tough. I suppose the emotional anesthesia from the SSRI makes it easier for me—if this was my pre drug self I'd be going out of my mind with panic and terror and guilt over this whole thing. But, against my will (not choosing to be this way), I just feel chemically blissed out and calm - I'm literally incapable of feeling guilt or sadness for what this will do to my family. I'm guessing since yours is anhedonia rather than emotional blunting/anesthesia, you can still feel negative emotions, just not positive ones? However, even though I can't *feel* it, I obviously still have the logical knowledge and understanding that this will be beyond devastating for them. My family has been nothing but incredible to me, and for it to end this way is just something I never in a million years would have thought would happen. I guess what makes it easier for me is knowing that my brain is not realistically getting better from this any time soon or reliably. These post drug syndromes are so poorly understood, there's no treatments, doctors don't understand it, and in the case of SSRI type things people with severe cases end up literally regaining 0% of their former emotions and selves even after decades have passed! The brain gets stuck in a maladaptive state, it becomes entrenched at the level of epigenetic modifications, and our science doesn't currently know how to unwind those things reliably. I'm guessing your situation with MDMA, given that it acts on serotonin, dopamine, etc., is the same way. So the way I see it, I'm like, what's the alternative? More of this empty shell, zombie existence? Because that brings pain to my parents too. If I CTB, my parents will be beside themselves, but there is a sort of closure, ultimately a sort of "something happened to her and we don't fully understand it, and it drove her to this." The way I see it, CTB'ing will leave a permanent mark undoubtedly, but it also gives my family permission to—in their own way—accept it, make peace with it, move forward with their lives. It closes the book, in a very painful way, but does close it. Ultimately, I want to be remembered for the way I was before the medication. If I stay? It never ends. Years and years of being unable to be a functional human being, as you said. What does life even look like? Alienating everyone because I can no longer feel emotions? Everyone forgetting who I was before, as years and years of this new zombie me stack up? Parents never being able to have any peace because something is terribly wrong with their child and they can't "fix" it? If I don't CTB, then they will continue to put their lives on hold to desperately try to "restore" me, even though no amount of their love can repair receptors, restore the pre-med networks, signaling, etc.
I'm so, so sorry this has happened to you. Truly, to have things mess with one's neurotransmitters and unique "self" is a special kind of hell that no one should have to go through.
This is a really good post on making it a little bit easier on those we leave behind
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/how-to-leave-with-minimal-pain-for-those-who-remain.207480/

I'm also telling myself that in the same way I wouldn't want one of my family members to continue living solely for my sake, I don't think our family members would want that either.

Do you have a timeframe that you are *thinking* you want to do it in?

 

[rainy.tears]

My emotions were originally not blunted by the MDMA but in trying to treat the resulting depression and anhedonia I took a (very low dose of) antipsychotic and that resulted in emotional blunting. I can feel some sadness but it's like 10% of what I used to feel. Last year I was crying in soooo much pain at the loss of my life to this illness, it felt like my chest was being stabbed. Now I can't feel that at all and I honestly miss it so much. It made me feel alive when I was feeling that. As you know, having no emotions is like being dead inside and everyone else thinks you're still alive but really you're gone. The fact that there's no treatment and when the emotional blunting happened, despite me taking 1/4 the dose I was prescribed, my psychiatrist told me "that's not a known side effect" and dismissed it completely is just wild.

But yeah I still do feel a lot of pain and guilt even if it's blunted. I tell my parents almost every day about my wish to die though so it's not going to be a surprise for them and they can understand why I wish to. They just think it can get better and I need to keep going. Sadly they just don't understand and don't want to believe that there are literally no cases of people recovering from this condition. It's heartbreaking. Today my mum hugged me and told me she doesn't want me to go and that just makes me feel so bad. Like yours, my parents are wonderful and would do anything for me. It's so sad that this happened, but I try not to get too into the victim mindset. Lots of people die young for all kinds of reasons. I just so wish I could die in my sleep or some other quick and painless way that wasn't suicide so I wouldn't have to inflict that specific kind of pain on my family of wondering what more they could have done and feeling that it was a "choice".

Thanks for sharing that post, it's super helpful. God I don't think I can bring myself to write all these letters, even though I know I should. It's just that if I had access to emotions enough to do that then I wouldn't need to ctb. I wish I could have some last joyous memories before death rather than the final months being full of torture and suffering (my state feels like agony most of the time, like I'm begging for death just to end the intense suffering. Sounds like yours is more just complete emptiness?)

I think about that too about staying. I'm so scared of people thinking that this is the real me. This last year of being bedbound and my whole existence being consumed by this illness. I want people to remember me how I used to be. Not this. That's my biggest fear right now, not being able to go through with it and this becoming normalised in people's minds as who I am. I know it's better to just die now and have the closure as you say but I just can't bring myself to inflict that sharp pain on my family who tell me again and again that they want me to stay and that they need me.

I wish I could get SN, I think that would be my ideal method. I'm worried I won't be able to step into the noose if I do FSH. I'd also rather die in a comfortable room lying down etc… it all just needs so much planning and thought though and I don't have the energy or mental resilience for it so I stay stuck in this state because it's th path of least resistance.

 

[cluefixphantom]

The people who hand out SSRIs, other antidepressant drugs and so on like candy know these drugs harm organs. They are murderers imo. That's their purpose. They cause countless autoimmune illnesses and all the side effects that are public for everyone to read.

They don't hide it, because there is no important organization that protects human rights, especially for the poor and disabled ones the middle-class and elites dgaf, they exploit and want to exert control. Parents who dislike their children, want to exert control over them and use psychology/psychiatry and drugs to manipulate and dominate. Some use religion, or similar belief systems like Synthology, Jehova, and Nationalsocialism. This needs to be called out, and parents, pharma and the psychiatry cult need to be held accountable, they come from Nazigermany and from the same ancestors that caused the european witchhunts. Today, they are just more efficient. They exploit and earn money from this human rights violation, similar to the whole food-slaughter industry.
Children died because of them, many girls and very vulnerable women.

The real problem is that people are allowed to have children. And it's even worse when it's poor or rich but extremely narc people who can't properly care for their kids and just want to get rid of them or want power. Anyone who wants children is reprehensible. And those children have to live with their parents' decision–and suffer the consequences, and 100% die because of it.

Even the privileged ones. For example, imo Mary Cosby's son Robert Jr. who died with 23 was another product of all this egomania. He was rich but his parents were shitty and he was a black male, so always victim of some racism. Another case Chers son Elijah Sky Blue Allman. They fck up, even when they had extremely good prerequisites–male, ordinary apperance, rich. It's partly genetic, but also the whole parenting and how strangers react towards you,–anyone who reproduces is playing with their child's life and with all others.

Those people are psychopaths, they lack compassion and spread like cancer and then the whole society is organized by such people or such who pressure others to spread like cancer (or are raped like pigs). The elite and middle-class are the Parasite Class and always need someone to exploit. I hope their society dies out imo, without the ruthless people everything gets better for the vulnerable people. They created a filthy society they hold up.

 

[Catchthebusnow]

My emotions were originally not blunted by the MDMA but in trying to treat the resulting depression and anhedonia I took a (very low dose of) antipsychotic and that resulted in emotional blunting. I can feel some sadness but it's like 10% of what I used to feel. Last year I was crying in soooo much pain at the loss of my life to this illness, it felt like my chest was being stabbed. Now I can't feel that at all and I honestly miss it so much. It made me feel alive when I was feeling that. As you know, having no emotions is like being dead inside and everyone else thinks you're still alive but really you're gone. The fact that there's no treatment and when the emotional blunting happened, despite me taking 1/4 the dose I was prescribed, my psychiatrist told me "that's not a known side effect" and dismissed it completely is just wild.

But yeah I still do feel a lot of pain and guilt even if it's blunted. I tell my parents almost every day about my wish to die though so it's not going to be a surprise for them and they can understand why I wish to. They just think it can get better and I need to keep going. Sadly they just don't understand and don't want to believe that there are literally no cases of people recovering from this condition. It's heartbreaking. Today my mum hugged me and told me she doesn't want me to go and that just makes me feel so bad. Like yours, my parents are wonderful and would do anything for me. It's so sad that this happened, but I try not to get too into the victim mindset. Lots of people die young for all kinds of reasons. I just so wish I could die in my sleep or some other quick and painless way that wasn't suicide so I wouldn't have to inflict that specific kind of pain on my family of wondering what more they could have done and feeling that it was a "choice".

Thanks for sharing that post, it's super helpful. God I don't think I can bring myself to write all these letters, even though I know I should. It's just that if I had access to emotions enough to do that then I wouldn't need to ctb. I wish I could have some last joyous memories before death rather than the final months being full of torture and suffering (my state feels like agony most of the time, like I'm begging for death just to end the intense suffering. Sounds like yours is more just complete emptiness?)

I think about that too about staying. I'm so scared of people thinking that this is the real me. This last year of being bedbound and my whole existence being consumed by this illness. I want people to remember me how I used to be. Not this. That's my biggest fear right now, not being able to go through with it and this becoming normalised in people's minds as who I am. I know it's better to just die now and have the closure as you say but I just can't bring myself to inflict that sharp pain on my family who tell me again and again that they want me to stay and that they need me.

I wish I could get SN, I think that would be my ideal method. I'm worried I won't be able to step into the noose if I do FSH. I'd also rather die in a comfortable room lying down etc… it all just needs so much planning and thought though and I don't have the energy or mental resilience for it so I stay stuck in this state because it's th path of least resistance.

Oh no!!!! Antipsychotics can be so poisonous I know a lot of people have major impacts after taking them.

I miss having emotions!!!! I would do anything to feel negative emotions! I would do anything to feel stress, fear, anxiety, to feel alive, to feel human…basically to have a range of emotions as I used to before this drug!

It really is like being dead. And people who haven't experienced emotional blunting don't get it, because it's one of those things you have to experience to get it. Because if you haven't taken these drugs you just take your emotions for granted … like they're just there … you can't even fathom someone saying "but I don't feel things," it's like, people can't even comprehend / conceptualize that. And everyone thinks you're alive because you're still breathing, you can still move, but it's worse than being dead in my opinion, a million times worse, it's worse to be like the walking dead and everyone thinks you're alive and doesn't understand that your soul has been deleted. And it's like there's so many things with psych meds that are not told to people, and get hidden, or data gets manipulated … and there's absolutely no incentive for anyone to discuss the fact that they can have severe negative impacts, nor any incentive to research a treatment. Psych meds are so over-pushed and without communication about the risks of changing people's brains! That's absolutely wild that your psychiatrist dismissed you considering that emotional blunting literally is not just a side effect of these drugs - it's their entire mechanism of action, it's literally how they work, by turning down the emotion centers in the brain. Which I get how that can be positive for some people, but it's so risky because these drugs are like blunt sledgehammers, they have no way of knowing "oh, just do it this amount." So some people get a little bit blunted and are content with that, and some get extreme annihilation across the spectrum. I have also found that even the loveliest psychiatrists tend to clam up if there's even a hint of a negative reaction to a psych med, which I guess I don't blame them since prescribing is their job. I do think people are starting to voice the hidden sides of psych meds more and more … not fast enough unfortunately. Like, if the psychiatrist had said to me, oh yes as a side effect these drugs can blunt emotions, are you okay with that? Then some people can say yes, and they know what they are going into, that they are taking a risk. Had someone said that to me, I would have said absolutely not!

Wow you tell your parents that and they're not trying to stop you? Make you take meds, take you to the psych ward? They're not constantly freaked out thinking you're going to CTB?

Yeah I haven't been explicit about wanting to CTB but my parents know that something changed terribly right around the meds, like a switch flipped. So even if they don't fully understand the ins and outs, when I CTB, they will know why, at least, so they won't be driving themselves crazy trying to figure out the cause. It must be so hard when someone CTBs and they never showed any signs of anything.

Ohhh that is absolutely heartbreaking. So, so heartbreaking. Your parents sound amazing, just like mine. I wish the same!!! Like I honestly wish someone would kill me, or a freak accident would kill me, or I'd get a fatal illness…literally anything. Because that would just take away that entire aspect of, like you said, them wondering if they could have done something, etc etc.

I also wish these final moments were different. Though if I was in a place to make joyous memories I wouldn't be CTBing. But I do wish that I could at least feel love for my family before I go … that's a unique kind of messed up thing. But, I did for my entire life before the drug, so I guess there's that.

I'm so sorry to hear you're suffering so much. Yeah, mine isn't even emptiness, because emptiness would be like a negative emotion. It's more like, the SSRI induces this sickly calm blissed out feeling against my will. So like even if my parents are suffering right in front of me, I could obviously logically say the words out loud, "this is terrible. They are sobbing." But my brain and body remain in a state of chemical "blissed out" ultra calm feeling, which is even worse than being empty. I can barely fight the calm enough to plan my CTB, because planning a CTB requires adrenaline and desperation and like being driven by suffering and so this state is literally the opposite of that. So it's weird because I'm not suffering - it's the complete opposite, I feel a total absence of mental pain - but I spend every day having the logical knowledge that I can't feel a single emotion, that I'm not human. Like even though I can't feel, I can recognize that the state is wrong and messed up and not *me*. So I too spend every waking second begging for death, because this is no life. It's literally impossible to live this way. Impossible. Which is why so many people who get this complete emotional annihilation from SSRIs end up CTBing. I want to be dead so badly. I want to just snap my fingers and be dead, this instant.

I actually wish I had done CTB sooner, honestly. So that it wouldn't have been such a long time of this inhuman state and people remembering that before I leave. At this point, I have no doubt whatsoever about CTB-ing itself, it's just the planning, which is so difficult to do in my current state. But I have to get it right, because if I survive my attempt, I'll be trapped, and my parents will be trapped too, because then they'll feel the need to literally spend every minute of their lives making sure I don't CTB, and I'll spend every minute of my life trying to figure out how I can.

I totally get you. I was never suicidal - not even anywhere in that ballpark - before this pill wrecked my brain, so this entire thing was so foreign to me. But, I just keep telling myself - I have to do this.

I wish I could get SN too! I like the idea of just drinking something. Now im starting to have doubts about landing on a railing if I jump … ugh why is this so hard. I'm reconsidering hanging. I can't do FSH because I don't seem to have a suitable anchor point. Do you mind me asking what you're using for your anchor? That leaves partial, but that seems unreliable … but I can't tell whether that's due to the fact that you can back out, or whether the unconscious convulsions could actually relieve the pressure.

 

[Fadenself00_]

@Catchthebusnow

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[maximillian:)]

It's interesting how it affects everyone differently. I was also harmed by psych drugs except I don't experience anhedonia. Instead I have the complete opposite with severe akathisia, I experience all kind of emotions x10, anger, rage, sadness, adrenaline, fear etc. And I have persistent genital arousal disorder from this which is just as unbearable

I wish there was a drug that forced the brain to "regulate" by resensitizing serotonin and dopamine receptors in the brain, that sounds like shit.

Edit: PSSD is a stupid name for the condition.

 

[Catchthebusnow]

I wish there was a drug that forced the brain to "regulate" by resensitizing serotonin and dopamine receptors in the brain, that sounds like shit.

Edit: PSSD is a stupid name for the condition.

It really is. It makes people think it's only about the sexual aspect, when so many people also have the absolutely debilitating, inhuman emotional and cognitive aspects that make it impossible to live.

I wish that too. Oh my gosh. I would do anything to get a drug like that. I just want my brain back. I wish I never touched an SSRI.

 

[PanaxMan]

So it's not ideal but I guess it's never perfect.
I need to CTB asap. I live with my parents who watch me very carefully. My plan is to:
1. I've identified several Airbnb properties near me that are upper floors, like 20th floor, with balconies. I want to jump. Originally I wanted to jump from a parking garage or bridge or other high location but the problem is that I am extremely physically weak and have extremely weak wrists with carpal tunnel / tendinitis. Even a standard 42" barrier, I couldn't see how to get over it. I'm five feet. Am I missing something? So frustrating because I would read all these stories of people CTB'ing at all these different places and I'd check it out and there were places that didn't even have suicide fencing but I don't see any way I can possibly get over even a standard barrier! Unless I'm missing something? I mean I would read stories of older people CTB'ing off these things and they can't be very strong, right? Or maybe I'm just abnormally weak :( anyway so that pretty much eliminated any public jumping spot cuz any high spot is gonna have at least the standard railings right?? This rules out SO MANY OPTIONS!! It's so frustrating cuz I literally have no issues / hesitation / SI / fear about the jump itself it's just my stupid wrists! It's just getting over the barrier, like I have no qualms about the jump!
So then I have to do something a little trickier and more complicated. Idk if this is doomed to fail so I'm hoping someone can sanity check me. I CANNOT FAIL! So my plan is to wait until my mom goes out of town which she does every several months. Because I think she's more likely to hear me sneaking out than my dad. I'm gonna keep looking for AirBNB options till I have a massive list, such that once she announces her plans to go I can do a booking hoping at least one is available. It does seem like some looking at the availability now for instance aren't filled out for months and months or anything like that … And maybe by that time there'll be more available / I can look for more. So I have a bank account they have access to, and one they don't - they know about it but can't see it. It's a savings account so I guess I'll use Apple wallet or PayPal to pay for the Airbnb? Then I would have to be able to check in to the Airbnb in the middle of the night (I think a lot have some kind of self check in?) cuz the plan would be wait till my dads asleep, book an Uber, sneak out, get to the place, check in…from there hoping it'll be pretty simple, quickly grab a chair bring it over to the balcony railing, on chair, jump, done. All before my dad wakes up.

Please don't do this there was someone recently who failed jumping

 

[Catchthebusnow]

Please don't do this there was someone recently who failed jumping

Yeah I'm thinking of maybe partial hanging since I don't have access to an anchor for FSH
but can the convulsions cause the pressure to be relieved?
Because I don't think I would back out before unconsciousness (the SSRI has pretty much deleted my fear response)
Is that the only reason partial fails?

 

[Catchthebusnow]

Maybe jumping would be ok if it's from high up enough … I don't really have other good options and I need to leave (for the reasons given above)…

Do you think i messaged Airbnb hosts to ask what floor their apartment is on that would seem too suspicious/obvious? There are a lot of tall apartment buildings near me and some of the listings advertise "views" and "high floor" so there's a decent chance they're high up - I just need to know *how* high because there's obviously a big difference in reliability between jumping from 9th floor and jumping from 25th floor. I just can't tell, if you were an Airbnb host would that be a huge red flag? Should I say I'm interested in photography or is that even weirder